The more I read the more I realize that in many ways I have been duped. I have been duped into believing that I can't really "have it all". I have been duped to believe that somebody, whether my partner or husband, my employer, my family, my government, is going to take care of me or at least always look out for my best interests. I have been duped to think that I am really the only person who can care for my child. I have been duped into making choices and sacrifices, which once I look at possible consequences, I'm not really that comfortable with.
I have been really thinking about where I would be if my partner left me, died, was in a coma, disabled, etc. How would I provide for my family? How would I make the mortgage? Where would I go for work? And because of these questions, I've been seriously considering going back to school to get my masters. But first I need to go back to work. I'm going to start part time.
I am in a unique situation. I contacted my former employer to see if I could do some part time work. I received an enthusiastic response, and was offered my pick of projects/tasks. So, I'm going back to work in a few months. I'm excited, even though it means finding child care for the boy, juggling responsibilities, and less time with my best buddies.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but like motherhood, I know I will figure it along the way. I'm just not comfortable being financially dependent. I'm not comfortable not having more time to myself, even though it means time at work. I'm not comfortable without some intellectual challenges. And you know, I miss grown ups. Grown ups who don't just relate to me as the mother of my child. Grown ups that respect me for my ideas, my opinions, and my integrity.
Sure being a mother is joyful and challenging, but for me, now and for my long term future, it isn't enough.