12 wrong ways to live your life

This post has been sitting around for months. So I decided to just let it go. So here it is.



There's no right way to live, but there are lots of wrong ways.

Wrong way #1: Living someone else's dream

You know this old nugget: follow your bliss. For real, do it. Other people don't get to tell you how to live. Not your kids. Not your parents. Not your spouse. Not your boss. Not me.

Wrong way #2: By the book

I know people who are always saying things like "I can't" or "I shouldn't", because whatever the idea or activity is falls outside some proscribed way to be alive, dictated by a mythology/religion, gender norms, cultural baggage or just straight-up fear. That's crap. You can do whatever you want with your life. There really is no one true path. There are zero rules. There is wisdom. There are good ideas. But there are no rules.

Wrong way #3: Only for other people

Other people are so awesome. I know some I love almost as much as I love myself. It's like thisclose. My kids. My mom. My closest friends. You have them too. But I don't live my life for any of them. I live my life for me. And the byproduct of me living my own life is that I'm happier, more able to be present with the people I love. I can also be an example of someone who does her thing. And you can do your own thing while being a responsible, ethical, and dependable adult. These ideas are not mutually exclusive.

Wrong way #4: With a never-ending to-do list

Put down the list, ladies. For realz. Holy hell. Here's some TRUTH for you:

You will never do everything on your list. And that's ok.

I love a good list. I make a short to-do list everyday but rarely pay much attention to it afterwards. Lists are my way to think through the day and maybe prioritize, not the map for my life. Because there are things that I will never write on my lists that are more important than calling the dentist: sitting with my little guy and cuddling, texting a friend who needs a smile, grabbing a beer with a buddy. You know, life stuff. Life is not a list. It's an activity.

Wrong way #5: Holding a grudge

Let it go. Seriously, that anger and hurt is just weighing you down. It's not doing one thing to the other guy. Seriously, stop wasting your life focusing on the past. Let it go.

Wrong way #6: Too safe

It is way too easy to play life too safe. It's easy to listen to the conventional wisdom (which is often wrong, by the way). It's easy to fall into the grooves and traps of adult life. Don't do it. Take a risk once in a while. Get a new haircut. Buy the red dress. Change jobs. Go salsa dancing. Whatever. Just go do something new and exciting.

Wrong way #7: Quietly

Speak up. Take up space. Do not apologize when you speak up. Do not minimize yourself. You have a right to take up space. Be big.

Wrong way #8: Waiting

What in the hell are you waiting for? "The right time"? It's never coming. It will never be the right time to get married or have a baby or change jobs or learn French. Sure, you have to think about things like an adult, but after a certain amount of planning you just have to go for it. Or else you never do. No one is prepared for the big stuff, but once you're in it you figure it out.

Wrong way #9: Taking it personally

The best advice I can give you is that it is almost never about you. When people are assholes to you, its just them venting some hurt. You are just a target. Sometimes they are afraid of you. Sometimes they are jealous of you. Sometimes they are just assholes. Don't internalize their bullshit. You have enough of your own hurt to deal with. Let the haters hate, but don't ever think they are really talking about you.

Wrong way #10: Without gratitude

Be grateful everyday for this life you have. It is a miracle to be alive. Don't just say the words. BE grateful. Your life will expand and light up in so many ways.

Wrong way #11: Passionless

A life without passion isn't really a life. If there is nothing or no one who captivates you, makes you want to just eat them up, nothing that stirs your curiosity, well then get to it. Start trying things out. What would you do if you could do anything at all? Go do it, in whatever way you can. Make time for your writing, your art, your volunteer work, your lover. Seriously, schedule that stuff in there between the gym and the dentist. You NEED it.

Wrong way #12: In another time

Be here now. There is no other place to be. 

'Being Here Now' with kids

I am awful at being present with my kids. I admit it. It's the one thing I carry Mommy Guilt about. There's always something else to do, think about, listen to, clean. And then sometimes I just don't want to talk about Hello Kitty or how fast that Matchbox car just went.

Bad Mommy.

So in an effort to improve myself, I have as a part of my Nerd Fitness 6 Week Challenge Missions - Be Present with My Boys.

But what the hell does that really mean?

I have NO clue.

I want to sit on the floor and play Thomas the Tank Engine board games with them. Well, I want to want to do it. But I don't want to do it. Not most of the time. It's really a stupid game with no point. I know, Bad Mommy.

But I think (I hope) being present is more than actually playing on the floor with them or listening to their inane chatter about what T.J. did at daycare.

It's honoring their little spirits and seeing who they truly are. It's being Mama Namaste. My light will honor the light in them, in all their loud, dirty, annoying, clever, silly, amazing-ness.

It's accepting their hugs and their criticism, as both being valid and true.

It's measuring my tone and remembering that how you say it means more than what you say. It means not calling their toys, games and tv shows "stupid". I know, I'm a 12 year old.

It's dance parties, ice cream for dinner, rainy walks, pillow fights, frog catching, stone throwing, and paper airplane making. It's all the things.

It's not being perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. I'm too lazy and selfish for all that. But I do want to KNOW my children. KNOW their little souls, their big dreams, their deepest fears. Right now, I don't think they always like me and I don't really like me either. No matter what is going in in my life/head/heart, I am still their Mommy. That never changes. It's the greatest gift and the most burdensome burden. It scares the shit out of me, to be the mother of these amazing creatures. They have no idea what a jerk I can be. Ok, yeah they TOTALLY know what a jerk I can be. I think I might be the jerkiest to them. Oh man, that stings.

But how do I become more present with these boys? How do I shut down my monkey mama mind and just be with them, see them, hear them?

I don't know. But I'm hoping a regular yoga and mindfulness practice will help me. I'm hoping that this is a habit I can build, one day at a time. It's either this or I'm paying for a whole lot of therapy later.

Keep On Keeping On

Sometimes the biggest lessons are taught in the smallest ways.

My six year old rode his bike (still with training wheels) to the library and back on Saturday, for a total of about 2.5 miles. He was so proud and excited to ride in the street like a big kid. He did great until we met the first real hill on the return trip. He immediately asked for help and wanted me to push him up the hill. I couldn't push him, I was pushing his brother in the jogging stroller. But I offered to put my hand on his back, to help him from going backwards. And so he struggled up that little steep hill and over the bridge. All the while I was telling him,  'You can do it! You are doing it! You're almost there!' The smile on his face was heart-growingly awesome.

And then the next hill came. He wanted to give up, started to whine. I told him he was not allowed to stop, that he must pedal that bike up the hill one way or another. Again, I put my hand on his back and encouraged him like before. And then I remembered something I had just read - people often quit something right before they would have finished/succeeded.  The hardest part is usually the part right before we make it/finish/win. So I told him that lesson. And kept encouraging him. He didn't give up. He kept going.

And we did the same for the next hill.

As we cruised toward the driveway, I asked him if he was proud of all the hill climbing he did.

He said, "But I only climbed three."

"But you rode over 2 miles AND climbed three big hills."

"Yeah, I did." (BIG SMILE)

"I'm so proud of you for not giving up. Now you know that you can do it and next time it will be easier. Everytime will get easier. You know how mommy likes to run?  well, when I started running it was really hard to run for even 1 mile, but eventually I could run 10 miles and still be smiling when I was done. The same will happen for you, for anything you want to do. But you have to keep going. Never give up."

"Ok, Mommy. What are we going to do now?"
*******************

I share this story because I believe that instilling determination and confidence in our kids is one of the very most important things we can do for them. They have to believe they can do ANYTHING. My mom taught me that. I believed her, still do.

As we say in our house:

"The person who says I CAN'T is right, but so is the person who says I CAN."

Be Careful What You Wish For

Three weeks ago I had an idea that was prompted by our family's experience cooking dinner for the men at a local shelter: I was going to collect backpacks, toiletries, clothing, blankets, gloves and hats; and whatever else I could get my hands on to make some care packages for the 30 men. When I decided this I had no idea if it was going to be possible.

I had no idea what would become of this idea, because I have BIG IDEAS all the time that end up as nothing more than the thought that lingers in my head as I drift off to sleep or the "wouldn't it be cool if" I say to my partner while we drive to Target. I'm big on ideas and small on stick-to-it-ness, most of the time.  But then I get those ideas that nag and nag at me.  Ideas that must come from my soul and will not rest until they are reality. Like going to grad school.  Like having my babies.  Like moving back to Philly...

and then I started asking everyone I know on Facebook, Twitter, email, at work, at my boy's school, through the family grapevine, in public meetings, etc. I started an online sign-up in the naive hope that people would be clambering to help and I would need help organizing all the donations. Well, three weeks later the results are in:

 

This pile doesn't even count the donations being sent in from Maine and Georgia (bless my mother and my college pal, Elmer, for their enthusiasm and generosity). 

On Friday, my family will be delivering a chili dinner and 30 backpacks full of essentials to the guests. But the real gift receiver is me.  Through this experience I have learned a lot:

1. People want to help others, they just need help figuring out how to do it.

2. Anything is possible, you have to believe it and then do it.

3. The best way to teach your children a lesson or value is to live it, be it.

4. The act of giving is a gift of its own.

5. I have a community of loving and helpful souls all around me - in real life, online and throughout the country.

6. It is easy to do a good thing.The universe will always help the good thing to manifest.

7. You don't need religion or a belief in god/s to have faith. Faith is essential to a happy life.

So a great big THANK YOU to all the people who have helped make this project of mine a reality.  Thank you for the lessons above.  

Merry Christmas!

Make Love A Verb

Last night my family cooked dinner at  the Student-Run Emergency Housing Unit of Philadelphia.  The shelter is staffed by local college students who volunteer their time.  There are 36 guests at the shelter from November to April. A friend of ours is the faculty adviser for the project and she had put the call out for volunteers. So I had signed up for dinner last night and several of my co-workers agreed to help us with the purchasing and preparation of the food.

In the end, it ended up too many cooks, so a few people did the bulk of the work.  But that was fine, it wouldn't have worked otherwise. Plus, other people helped occupy my kids (bonus!).  My partner threw himself into making two giant lasagnas and I helped here and there by chopping vegetables and trying to locate utensils.  The wonderful parts had nothing to do with the food, although it was nice to see people enjoy food you had prepared (or at least purchased). 

I really enjoyed my kids interacting with the guests, especially little B playing catch with one man who just smiled and chuckled the whole time.  Several of the guests chatted with me about my boys, who were running all about the room throwing paper airplanes and coloring with crayons on the floor.  Having the kids there helped relax us all into being friendly and comfortable with each other.  Who doesn't love to see kids laughing and playing?!

This experience really came to be because my partner and I have been talking about finding ways to "live our values" and teaching our boys about giving to others. So when the opportunity presented itself I knew it was the right thing.  We got to do something concrete to help others and our kids could see us do it.  No preaching, no nonsense. Our boys also got to see the real people behind the label "homeless".  And so did we.

We are going back again on December 23rd, this time with my parents and brother with the two boys.  I want to share this experience with my family.  I want to try to spark in them the thing that has come alive inside me.  Now I want to help more.  I want to keep cooking dinners and looking for ways to raise donations, material and monetary.  My next project is goody/gift bags for the holidays.  I am going to try to collect as much as I can for the guests to get a little something special over the holidays.  I want them to feel cared for and loved.

But the thing I will take away from this more than all of that, is I love my partner more than ever.  Seeing him put his heart into cooking for strangers and being so gracious when he was thanked for cooking a great meal...well, it melted my heart a little more and made him six inches taller in my eyes. Giving as a couple or as a family can only strength the bonds.  So I hope this is our new holiday tradition. A way to honor our true values and share our good fortune.

A way to make love a verb.

The Greatest Love of All

Me at the beach.

Nope, it ain't the love you feel for your kids.  It's the love you feel for yourself.  Thanks to another awesome post on Already Pretty I am feeling the self-love and wanting to share it with my sisters.

Your body is amazing and strong and gorgeous.  Being a woman is a remarkable gift.  Our bodies can create life, make food, and carry the weight of the world.  We come in every shape and size and color - all lovely.

The best thing you can do for your kids is model self-love.  Seriously.  THE BEST THING. 

It's not easy, but it is necessary.

Being green, that is. 

Pampers claims that disposable diapers are better for babies and just as good for the environment as cloth/reusable diapers. So I did a little research and thinking.

I have used all kinds of diapers from bumGenius deluxe all-in-one cloth diapers to Pampers with the superabsorbant gels to Seventh Generation non-bleached disposables to Tushies natural ones.  I have to say that all in all the disposables are good at keeping the wet stuff in, which means if you so choose you can keep the diaper on baby for several hours without worrying too much about leaks.  But I have found that disposable diapers lead to super blow outs so much more than cloth diapers, provided the cloth diapers fit correctly.  I have also had problems with diaper rashes on my son and found frequently changing the cloth diapers helped clear it up faster than when using disposables (maybe an airflow thing).  Sure, doing poopy diaper laundry can be unpleasant, but I have a hard time with the idea of sending thousands of disposables to the trash dump over the course of my child's young life. 

Sure, Pampers claim that disposable superabsorbant diapers are better at reducing the likelihood of diaper rash is founded on real science. But, there are all sorts of chemicals in disposable diapers that have been shown to be harmful, like affecting respiration. Dioxins are produced as a result of the making of the paper pulp for the diapers.  Dioxins are toxic and found in our water sources, harming people and animals.  However, we get most of our exposure to dioxins through our food not through tampons, diapers or other personal care products.  Yuck!

Dioxins are a class of persistent polyhalogenated aromatic hydrocarbons that induce a wide spectrum of toxic responses in experimental animals including reproductive, endocrine, developmental, and immunologic toxicities as well as carcinogenicity....The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has estimated that > 95% of exposures to dioxins are through low-level contamination of the food supply (8). These exposures are caused by bioaccumulation of dioxins in animals and the subsequent consumption of animal products such as beef, pork, poultry, and fish, as well as dairy products (8). The major sources of dioxins in the food chain are combustion mechanisms such as municipal, hazardous, and medical waste incinerators.

     http://ehp.niehs.nih.gov/members/2002/110p23-28devito/devito-full.html

From available research one can conclude that the environmental impacts of using disposables or reusables are about the same- if you don't count the ability to use cloth diapers for more than one child, sometimes several.  Or if we don't count the people who can wash cold, line dry their organic all natural diapers...well then I would argue cloth wins on carbon emissions.  But if you look at the synthetic materials used in many pocket diapers or the conventionally raised cotton used in others...well you get environmental impact from those manufacturing and agricultural methods.  It's enough to drive you to drink. 

But what resonates with me are the resources that go into manufacturing disposables.  According to the Real Diaper Association (granted, a biased organization):

Over 300 pounds of wood, 50 pounds of petroleum feedstocks and 20 pounds of chlorine are used to produce disposable diapers for one baby EACH YEAR.

Lehrburger, C., J. Mullen and C.V. Jones. 1991.  Diapers: Environmental Impacts and Lifecycle Analysis.  Philadelphia, PA: Report to The National Association of Diaper Services (NADS).   

Do we really want to use our petroleum resources to make diapers that just end up in landfills and do not biodegrade for 250-500 years?!

But there is a lot that goes into the decision of what kind of diapers to use.  Cost and convenience are usually the first two considerations.  Some people balk at the initial costs of cloth diapering, but I have to say that I would rather spend $100-500 upfront on whatever kind of cloth diapering system than shell out $50+ a month on disposables for two or more years.  Plus, there are lots of ways to cloth diaper on the cheap.  You can buy used diapers on Ebay (I have).  You can search craigslist or one of the many cloth diapering sites like DiaperSwappers.  You can ask among family and friends to see who may have a stash they could share.  You can buy prefolds and a few covers for under $100, if you bargain shop. You can even sew your own, if you are so crafty (I wish!).

If you want convenience and are willing to spend a little more you can purchase re-usable diapers like FuzziBunz.  These are a pocket diaper, meaning you add absorbent material to the pocket in the diaper and put the diaper on just like a disposable.  No covers or pins needed.  FuzziBunz use snaps but other pocket diapers use velcro or a combination of snaps and velcro to get a good fit. 

My favorite diaper is the BumGenius One Size.  It's a pocket diaper that goes from newborn to potty training.  Easy to use, durable and adorable.  We used these more than any other diapers.  They clean up well, dry pretty quickly and fit well under clothes.

So what's my point?  Good question, grasshopper. I went into this post ready to lampoon disposable diapers, but then read research and found out that a lot of what I thought wasn't true, or at least not accurate. I also realized that there is a lot we don't know.  Manufacturers don't have to tell us what's in their diapers.  So who knows what chemicals and toxins we are bringing into our homes and putting on our children or if they really are as safe as they claim.  This is a genuine concern.  So maybe we need to rally and demand accountability and full disclosure of ingredients for all of the products we bring into our homes.  One way to do this might be to support the Safe Chemicals Act , introduced by Senator Lautenberg:

 The “Safe Chemicals Act of 2010” requires safety testing of all industrial chemicals, and puts the burden on industry to prove that chemicals are safe in order stay on the market. Under current policy, the EPA can only call for safety testing after evidence surfaces demonstrating a chemical is dangerous. As a result, EPA has been able to require testing for just 200 of the more than 80,000 chemicals currently registered in the United States and has been able to ban only five dangerous substances. The new legislation will give EPA more power to regulate the use of dangerous chemicals and require manufacturers to submit information proving the safety of every chemical in production and any new chemical seeking to enter the market.

Maybe we should think a little more about why we purchase and use the things we do.  Maybe we have to sacrifice convenience for health.  Maybe we have to sacrifice low prices in favor of low costs in other areas, namely the environment and our children's health.  Maybe we have trusted the government and industry a little too much with our bodies and planet.  Maybe we need to re-think more than just what type of diaper to put on that cute little bottom.

Choose or Lose

As trite as it might sound to some, everyday really is the first day of the rest of your life. At any point in time you can change your direction, your purpose, your attitude. I come to all this feel-good sloganism honestly, it's central to who I am and what I believe. I am an optimist who believes that you choose your life. I don't mean that if you think or wish real hard you can get everything in your wildest dreams, like The Secret. I mean that you choose your attitude. You choose how you spend your time.

Before you say, "No, I HAVE to go to work. I HAVE to clean my house. I HAVE to take care of the yard...." Think about it. You made a decision to have the job you have. You made a decision to own your home and to keep a certain standard of cleanliness. You choose to care about your grass and gardens. You could just as easily spend all your waking time smoking crack or feeding the hungry or writing comic books. You could choose to sell or give away all your positions and live in a tent in the woods. You could choose to run away from your family and live in some other city and start a new life with a new name. You could choose to go back to school. You could choose to let the weeds grow.

Just some food for thought.

Freecycle is the new Goodwill

Yesterday I filled 6 large garbage bags full of clothing our family no longer needs or wants. Two bags of my clothes, two bags of my partner's clothes and two bags of the boy's mostly unused duds. Now this doesn't mean we were giving away the old crusty clothes no one wants anymore, no there were some major name brands, designers and more than several things that were never worn or worn a handful of times. These things were left over from my unsuccessful yard sale in May. I have been dreading going through the stuff for a few months but need to clean out the guest room for my mom and step dad's visit next week. But I just made myself do it while the boy watched his morning cartoons and was finished in about 30 minutes. Now often, people go through the purge and don't know what to do with the stuff. But I already had takers, thanks to Freecycle.

So, what is freecycle?

The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 4,544 groups with 5,471,000 members across the globe. It's a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills. Each local group is moderated by a local volunteer (them's good people). Membership is free.

I joined my local freecycle group about a month ago, and previously gave away a large bag of books (also leftover from the yard sale). Our group works via a Yahoo Group, so it involves emailing a post to the group with the details of what is up for grabs. Then folks who are interested, then email you back and you set up a pick up/ drop off time. It's easy. I just gave the address, said the stuff would be waiting outside and then my work is done.

I have seen bikes, dishes, clothing, books, appliances, furniture, toys, tomato plants, etc. listed on the freecycle group. You can find and give away almost anything (every group has their own rules). I think freecycling is one of the greenest things you can do and its pretty frugal too.

Here's what some other people think:
From epinions.com: a more negative review, because the poster had problems with pick ups.
From Pittsburgh Tribune: a basic news story.
From Grist: Environmental slant.

Have you freecycled?

Would you have more kids if Dad helped more?

Equally Shared Parenting has an interesting post about a Psychology Today article that postulates that women would be inclined to have additional children if their partners helped more with care giving and household chores. My first reaction is that this is partially true, but is also an over-simplification of all the dynamics and factors that go into the decision to have another child/ren.

In my family, we have discussed and thought about the decision to have another child over the last year. To tell you the truth, I am still undecided. And even if I knew my partner was going to pitch in 50% of the time on child care, housework, etc. I still would be undecided. For me, the decision has a lot more to do with financial stability, personal and family long term goals, and the comfort and well being of the three people who are already in existence (my partner, our son, and myself). In our dream world, we would have 10 kids. But we could never have the financial, emotional or physical resources to do that one right. And the idea of another person in our family both thrills and terrifies me.

Some of my reasons against having more children are purely personal/selfish. I don't know whether I want to give up sleep, eating sushi, drinking too much on occasion, working (whether short term or long term), etc. I don't know if I want to postpone my career and education for a few more years. I don't know if I want my body to go through another pregnancy/breastfeeding relationship.

And then there are the family-related reasons: money, goals, dreams, standard of living, etc. It will require more money to take care of another person, particularly if we have to/want to send him/her to private school or have to move to a more expensive but better school district. We also have some family dreams for the kind of place and house we want to have in the next several years. We would like to travel to far away places. We would like to save lots of money for retirement and the boy's education or dreams. Kids suck up time, money and energy. And I'm not sure I want to sacrifice anymore.

Don't get me wrong, there's a whole other side of me that wants lots of kids in the house, messing it up with craft projects and their toys. Part of me doesn't care about money and believes we would work it out. Part of me wants a sibling for my son. A part of me realizes that I'm only getting older and 35 is not that far away. I don't want to be giving birth or chasing a toddler at 40. And having a kid now will mean that I will delay career and education for only a couple of years more max, and have all this baby/toddlerhood stuff in the bag.

I wish I was one of those people who just knows they want two kids or five kids or no kids. I'm ambiguous. I'm a lot confused and a little scared to make a decision. And my partner is willing to wait or go with the flow or make a baby tomorrow. But you know what else, I also know deep down that I will still be responsible for most of the kid and house stuff and that does make the whole second kid thing less appealing. So maybe those psychologists are on to something....

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• SF Gate.com's review of Opting In by Amy Richards.
• A book review by Journeyer's Chronicles: Screamfree Parenting.
• Newsweek has a story on the rise of homeschooling.
• Don't miss this month's giveaways: A Thomas DVD and a subscription to Brain, Child magazine.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Support the Kid-Safe Chemicals Act
• Stubby Pencil Studio giveaway at Livin' With Me. Eco-friendly kids art supplies
  
• What's your water footprint?
• EWG's updated sunscreen guide.
• All you ever wanted to know about reusable bags from Treehugging Family.
• CNN covers the vaccination decision.
• The truth about your credit score from the Wisdom Journal.
• Save money at the library from Thrifty Mom..
• Wanna new purse? SITS is giving one away.
• Why buying local pays more than once.
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Looking at the politics of motherhood in a new book.
• Long (but interesting) NYT magazine article on the declining birth rates in Europe.
• An interesting take on that NYT feature by Jen Chaney, focusing on US fertility and "flexible workplaces".
• Why aren't there more momoirs by women of color?
• Time Out advice from Slate
• Funny take on going to a Baby Shower from over at Slacker Moms R Us.
• Have you heard of D-MER? Me neither. But I have experienced it.
• Inside Baltimore homebirth underground.
  

Seeking balance

One of my BFFs is finishing up her last week at work. She's joining the SAHM ranks, "opting out", whatever you want to call it. I am thinking about her because just as I'm feeling stifled and a little bored with the whole SAHM scene, she's ready to jump right into it. My friend has been working full time at a job that requires work on nights and weekends, in addition to regular business hours, since her daughter was about 4 months old. She likes the work and the challenges there, but the environment and responsibilities were not conducive to her being the kind of mother she wants to be. So in order for her and her family to be happy, healthy and sane, she's going to be giving up full time employment to be the stay at home parent.

And then there's me. I am heading off to work again in about 6 weeks, after being employment-free for 2 years. Going back to work is not an immediate financial necessity, I'm going back to the office because I want to. I really want to. My son is ready to learn from other people and develop new friendships and relationships. Hopefully my partner will be moving to a 4 day work week in the near future. Our family is ready for the new challenges, at least we think so. Because I'm as lucky as I am blessed, I have the opportunity to go back to a position that is challenging and fulfilling , as well as to co-workers who make my life so much more interesting and teach me about everything from cooking to new street slang. Not to mention decent pay and great benefits that will actually help us save some money every month. I picked my new responsibilities and hours. I have one of the greatest bosses in the world, so I know that this is not a common situation.

But it is the situation that I asked for and with some help and encouragement from my partner, friends, etc., the situation I helped create. I think that together and individually we could make these types of arrangements more common for parents. But it will take us standing up and asking (demanding) it. There are organizations working towards a society, marketplace and government that truly supports families and mothers, just look at the list of links to the left. Moms Rising is one. MOTHERS is another.

So take a moment and explore these organizations' sites. You may be inspired to make changes in your own life to better attune your life with your true values/needs. You may also rethink your political leanings, because often candidates pay lip service to caring about women and families, but they vote quite another way.

How have you found balance in your life? Working part time? Staying at home full time? Starting your own business? Home schooling?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• 12 Commandments for good parenting
• Sociologists prove "Opting Out" revolution is a myth.
• Dangers of synthetic vitamins from Nature Mom's Blog.
• Are you going to join the artificial food dye revolution?

My Tuesday Toot

In honor of the Tuesday Toot, I'm singing my own praises. I actually followed through on the desire/need to go back to work and get my own dreams back into motion. For me, the inherently shy and often lazy one, this is a feat. I have thousands of good ideas (some all in one day), but I don't often actually set the goal and take the steps to make it come to fruition.

So here's to me for being the engineer of my own train (I have watched too much Thomas as of late). I am excited to be heading back to work in a couple of months (as you may have read). I am very proud of myself for doing what I want and is best for my whole family.

What are you proud of?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Should you drink with your kids? From Time magazine.
• Baby Shower idea: Books!
• Feministe on Work/Life Balance. Interesting points of view, including Tom Colicchio from Top Chef fame.
• What moms can learn from dads.
• Obama supports working mothers.
• Equally Shared Parenting
  

Life Imitating Art (sort of)

I received my latest Brain, Child in the mail a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed reading this article about the dangers of Direct Marketing (pyramid schemes) companies. A close family member used to work for Herbal Life (not as a seller, but in corporate) so I was aware of their dubious practices, but nonetheless was shocked by how easily people can be duped into buying thousands of dollars worth of products and then trying to con their friends and family into doing the same.

And then I get a call from my cousin, M., who was more like a sister to me growing up. She leaves me a message that leads me to believe she needs to discuss something important, possibly her 81 year old mother, my favorite aunt. So I dial her right back to see how I can help. M. proceeds to chit chat with me about my son and then states that she and her husband have an opportunity that they would like to share with us. The red sirens and flashing lights go off in my head - it's some kind of money-making scheme! Her and her husband are always selling something and allegedly "making good money" doing it. I have yet to see evidence of their financial wealth. And if things were going so well with product X, why have they now switched to product Y? But back to the story...

She asks what night this week would be good for a visit. As I talk to her there are contractors out front jack hammering away our front steps, my 22 month old feverish son is tugging on my dress, and I am experiencing menstrual cramps that feel more like the jackhammers are in my uterus. So needless to say, I'm not in the mood for company. I put her off, claiming all that's going on (minus the cramps) plus a weekend trip to the beach. I tell her I have to check with my partner and maybe next week will work. She again claims the opportunity is great and something they want to share with us (like we're the chosen ones). We say good-bye and I immediately get pissed off.

I'm angry that she would bother me with this nonsense and put me in an awkward position. She knows that I am hesitant to say no or hurt people's feelings. But she should also know that T. and I are not salespeople, not are we the type to be easily led (tricked) into anything. We are also lazy and hate to talk to strangers. T. doesn't even like most of the people he knows, but that's a whole other story. I'm mad at her because now I feel guilty and stressed about something that I didn't ask for. I have to call her tomorrow and refuse her visit, as nicely as possible, and still try to preserve our relationship.

Our cousinly relationship was first strained when she told me that I was going to go to hell because T. and I live together without being married. And so now I'm sure our son is also damned, since he is born out of wedlock and will not be baptized (well, if he chooses to be some day, that's on him). So now we will have this between us too. And somehow I'll end up the bad one in the family grapevine, well like that's anything new.

So, how was your Monday?

The Great Day Care Decision

Well, due to several factors and some good luck (hopefully) we have decided on a daycare center for our boy. We are lucky that we found a place literally down the street from our house that had just one opening left. The price is reasonable and it feels and sounds like a good place for us. The boy cried when we left after our interview/tour. He liked it that much...and there weren't any other kids there at the time.

I feel torn about the decision. I want to go back to work (desperately) but I also know that I will miss the long days with the boy doing whatever we want. I know that being with other adults and children will be good for his overall development. I have a good feeling that he will be cared for and respected. But in my heart I still feel (know) that no one can love him like I do. But here we are on the verge of two, so its time for the little one to test his wings. It's time for me to start letting go and letting him be.

But like all times of change it's both exciting and scary. But there hasn't been one great thing in my life that didn't make me feel that way.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• The Poop on parenting and sex
• Careerbuilder study shows dads would like to stay home.
• Are WAHM's the end of the Mommy Wars?
• 3 bills before Congress to help ensure equal pay for women (well for everyone)from