Friday, September 5, 2008
Mama non grata
Remember the other week when I shared my struggle with the boy's aggression and hitting? Well, he's stopped that....for the most part. Now he barely wants to touch me.
No hugs. No cuddles. But thankfully he'll still hold my hand when we walk home from daycare or go to the park. But other than that, I don't get any toddler love. When I attempt to grab him for a hug, he struggles away. I don't want to force my affection on him, so I let him go. Maybe I could chalk this up to his budding independence and learning his own desires, etc. But it isn't all that. Cause he sure loves on his Daddy: hugs, kisses, snuggles, etc.
And that hurts me like a mother.
There was once a time when I was the whole world to a little person. His food came from me. I changed his diapers, clothed him; he even slept in my arms and sometimes in my bed. But now he eats apples and chicken fingers. He sleeps in his bed in his own room. He isn't my little person anymore. Back in the day of mama's milk and co-sleeping I longed for some physical space. I was "touched out". But now I feel quite the opposite...at least in the child-parent department. My partner has somehow sensed all this and has been giving more hugs and kisses than normal. (I guess he pays more attention than I give him credit for.)
But deep down I miss my son. I miss his little body in my lap and in my arms. I know that this phase will eventually end and I'll be desired again. But for now I feel tossed aside for the glorious love of Daddy. But you know, Daddy is pretty cool. You know, for a guy.
I know this has to be a little part punishment for mama for leaving him and going to work. But another idea I have is that it is my fault. Since we have changed up our lives, I have been less affectionate with the boy. I have noticed that after daycare or on my days off, I give him a lot of space. In the evenings after work, I cook dinner and he watches his Blue's Clues. We both decompress from our days, waiting for Daddy to arrive with kisses and hugs. So maybe I withdrew first. I really don't know.
But there's something else. As previously mentioned, something has happened recently that required me to distance myself and retreat a little. I guess the boy felt all that and decided that he could live quite well without all the mama hugs and love. He also learned that Daddy's love works just as good, as well as Grammy's and the daycare teacher's. A part of me is happy my son has other people to love and to be loved by, but the other part, the insecure mama part, wishes I could still be the apple of his eye. And I know, that's on me. That's my problem. I just don't have to like it.