Today I ended up putting a big shit pile on top of a day that deserved whipped cream and a cherry. The day was an average day home with my boys: cleaning, working, trip to the library, crafts, laundry, dinner and bed time routine. It ended with me saying stupid and mean things, or at least in a mean tones to my four year old; like I would talk to his father when I was particularly annoyed or pissed off. Not a proud moment. It's all my fault, although I tried to blame it on the boy for being a little boy. I was annoyed and tired, so I took it out on a little kid. And then I took it out on a baby who's hot, teething and overtired. Mind you, I was a lot more gentle with a baby, because who yells at a baby?! But I still had the bad attitude and was less than motherly.
Why was I such a jerk? Because I was feeling bad for myself because I was doing bedtime all on my own. Usually my partner takes on the bedtime book reading, etc. for the boy and I mostly handle baby-related things since I nurse him down. So tonight I had to do both and that made me mad. I resented having to care for my kids. What the hell is wrong with me?!
So what's the deal? It's not a slacker partner. We are pretty close to 50-50, most of the time. It's not that I don't get time to do my own things. I get time off to study/write, to have dinner or drinks with friends, to go for a run, to have a quiet house for 30 minutes, etc. I am loved and well cared for. I seriously have no complaints. At least no conscious ones.
So I am still trying to figure out the source of my resentment. I don't know what it is but I am feeling disgruntled. Maybe I'm under-sexed. Maybe I'm hormonal and about to get my period back after 19 months without. Maybe I'm feeling a little sad that grad school is over and full time employment looms. Maybe I'm sad my little boy is turning into a big boy. Maybe I miss having time with my partner that is not kid-related. Maybe I need a good girl talk session. Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I should have exercised today. Maybe I misplaced my inherent cheerful and optimistic attitude. Maybe it's just a bad day.
But I am seriously feeling like a shithead. So now I'm beating myself up for being a human who has emotions and makes mistakes. I am so grateful not to be a single parent. I would be a terrible single mom. I need a buddy, a tag team partner and a referee/coach. I make mistakes and raise my voice and over-react. I need someone who is as vested in this family as I am, who can tell me I'm being an asshole or unreasonable. I need that.
I know some women like to be the 'head parent' and tell their co-parents/husbands/partners what to do and never want to relinquish control. I am not that girl. I'm the girl who will blog about failure and be grateful for insight and self-reflection. I'm the girl who cares enough to hold tight to the hope that tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I might just get it right.
Right now I'm pouring myself a drink.
Why was I such a jerk? Because I was feeling bad for myself because I was doing bedtime all on my own. Usually my partner takes on the bedtime book reading, etc. for the boy and I mostly handle baby-related things since I nurse him down. So tonight I had to do both and that made me mad. I resented having to care for my kids. What the hell is wrong with me?!
So what's the deal? It's not a slacker partner. We are pretty close to 50-50, most of the time. It's not that I don't get time to do my own things. I get time off to study/write, to have dinner or drinks with friends, to go for a run, to have a quiet house for 30 minutes, etc. I am loved and well cared for. I seriously have no complaints. At least no conscious ones.
So I am still trying to figure out the source of my resentment. I don't know what it is but I am feeling disgruntled. Maybe I'm under-sexed. Maybe I'm hormonal and about to get my period back after 19 months without. Maybe I'm feeling a little sad that grad school is over and full time employment looms. Maybe I'm sad my little boy is turning into a big boy. Maybe I miss having time with my partner that is not kid-related. Maybe I need a good girl talk session. Maybe I'm in a rut. Maybe I should have exercised today. Maybe I misplaced my inherent cheerful and optimistic attitude. Maybe it's just a bad day.
But I am seriously feeling like a shithead. So now I'm beating myself up for being a human who has emotions and makes mistakes. I am so grateful not to be a single parent. I would be a terrible single mom. I need a buddy, a tag team partner and a referee/coach. I make mistakes and raise my voice and over-react. I need someone who is as vested in this family as I am, who can tell me I'm being an asshole or unreasonable. I need that.
I know some women like to be the 'head parent' and tell their co-parents/husbands/partners what to do and never want to relinquish control. I am not that girl. I'm the girl who will blog about failure and be grateful for insight and self-reflection. I'm the girl who cares enough to hold tight to the hope that tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I might just get it right.
Right now I'm pouring myself a drink.
Thank you for writing this -- it totally resonates with me. I, too, have days where I end up blowing up at my kids (especially the 4 year old) when they really don't deserve it. And I have an amazing co-parent who splits home tasks with me, time away for school, a chance to get out and run regularly, etc. Despite all that, I know the exactly the resentment feeling you're talking about, and I know I don't feel like I have a remotely rational reason for feeling that way, but I still do. It's so nice to hear someone else admit to feeling the same way!
ReplyDeletedarling girl. a shithead you are NOT. no one will remember you having a cross moment in the spring of 2011, so please do not hold onto it yourself.
ReplyDeleteyou are human. sometimes our feelings and hormones and chemistry gets the best of us. no guilt, move on.
thanks for sharing, though...we all need to admit the reality of life isn't always perfect, happy, and put-together.
As Nurse Jackie says: our kids love us blindly. And like her I'm counting on that.
ReplyDelete