Monday, July 29, 2013

'Being Here Now' with kids

I am awful at being present with my kids. I admit it. It's the one thing I carry Mommy Guilt about. There's always something else to do, think about, listen to, clean. And then sometimes I just don't want to talk about Hello Kitty or how fast that Matchbox car just went.

Bad Mommy.

So in an effort to improve myself, I have as a part of my Nerd Fitness 6 Week Challenge Missions - Be Present with My Boys.

But what the hell does that really mean?

I have NO clue.

I want to sit on the floor and play Thomas the Tank Engine board games with them. Well, I want to want to do it. But I don't want to do it. Not most of the time. It's really a stupid game with no point. I know, Bad Mommy.

But I think (I hope) being present is more than actually playing on the floor with them or listening to their inane chatter about what T.J. did at daycare.

It's honoring their little spirits and seeing who they truly are. It's being Mama Namaste. My light will honor the light in them, in all their loud, dirty, annoying, clever, silly, amazing-ness.

It's accepting their hugs and their criticism, as both being valid and true.

It's measuring my tone and remembering that how you say it means more than what you say. It means not calling their toys, games and tv shows "stupid". I know, I'm a 12 year old.

It's dance parties, ice cream for dinner, rainy walks, pillow fights, frog catching, stone throwing, and paper airplane making. It's all the things.

It's not being perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. I'm too lazy and selfish for all that. But I do want to KNOW my children. KNOW their little souls, their big dreams, their deepest fears. Right now, I don't think they always like me and I don't really like me either. No matter what is going in in my life/head/heart, I am still their Mommy. That never changes. It's the greatest gift and the most burdensome burden. It scares the shit out of me, to be the mother of these amazing creatures. They have no idea what a jerk I can be. Ok, yeah they TOTALLY know what a jerk I can be. I think I might be the jerkiest to them. Oh man, that stings.

But how do I become more present with these boys? How do I shut down my monkey mama mind and just be with them, see them, hear them?

I don't know. But I'm hoping a regular yoga and mindfulness practice will help me. I'm hoping that this is a habit I can build, one day at a time. It's either this or I'm paying for a whole lot of therapy later.

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