Mommy Salon

No, not the kind of salon with hair dryers and nail polish, but the kind with intellectual and creative people discussing topics of interest and sharing knowledge. I just returned home after spending the morning with several interesting women; we were discussing motherhood, work and being a SAHM. I was the alleged discussion leader, but the conversation flowed so naturally, that my little questions weren't needed.

Like any good group discussion there was a kind of magic that brought me out of my own head for a while. I wasn't sitting there thinking about what I was going to say next or how my hair looked; I was honestly engaged and learning from the experiences of the other women. We learned about our differences in situations, needs, desires, work history, etc. But some universals were also laid bare.

We all love our families and are happy to be home with our children, rather than out in a "job" all day. We all view our time caring for our children as real work, but feel that society doesn't view it that way. We all have supportive partners who want us to be home and show some appreciation for our work (this may be unusual for the world at large). We all feel the guilt and conflict about wanting time away from home and offspring. We all have challenges negotiating personal time with our partners. We all see our time at home with our kids as a small block of a long life, so sacrifices of personal ambitions and creative projects are bearable.

I observed that a couple of the mothers didn't desire or want a career, but saw employment as a way to earn income. A few others (like me) are willing to make sacrifices of personal ambitions and career goals to the health and well being of our families. But we definitely want to pursue some career, whether artistic, commercial, or public-sector in the future.

One thing we danced right around or actually probably ignored: financial vulnerability. I brought up the subject, but no one wanted to engage in a discussion about it. We did talk about divorce and child custody, etc., but only in general ways. Just like all the books have said, we SAHMs don't want to talk or think about what our lack of income means to our futures. Poverty is an ugly and scary prospect, who wants to talk about it? I hadn't realized we skipped the topic until just now, or else I might have pushed it a little.

So why am I posting this here? Because I think all mothers should have similar conversations with other mothers, and not just about motherhood, but about marriage, education, politics, relationships, feminism, etc. We so often focus on our kids and forget that we are more than just a mother to our kids. We are thinking and feeling creative and spiritual beings with needs for connection and community, especially connection to other women.

So I'm going to go and check my calendar so I can schedule the next Mommy Salon. I hope this becomes a national trend, maybe if we get Gwenyth and Angelina to join one.

How do you connect to other women?

Seeking balance

One of my BFFs is finishing up her last week at work. She's joining the SAHM ranks, "opting out", whatever you want to call it. I am thinking about her because just as I'm feeling stifled and a little bored with the whole SAHM scene, she's ready to jump right into it. My friend has been working full time at a job that requires work on nights and weekends, in addition to regular business hours, since her daughter was about 4 months old. She likes the work and the challenges there, but the environment and responsibilities were not conducive to her being the kind of mother she wants to be. So in order for her and her family to be happy, healthy and sane, she's going to be giving up full time employment to be the stay at home parent.

And then there's me. I am heading off to work again in about 6 weeks, after being employment-free for 2 years. Going back to work is not an immediate financial necessity, I'm going back to the office because I want to. I really want to. My son is ready to learn from other people and develop new friendships and relationships. Hopefully my partner will be moving to a 4 day work week in the near future. Our family is ready for the new challenges, at least we think so. Because I'm as lucky as I am blessed, I have the opportunity to go back to a position that is challenging and fulfilling , as well as to co-workers who make my life so much more interesting and teach me about everything from cooking to new street slang. Not to mention decent pay and great benefits that will actually help us save some money every month. I picked my new responsibilities and hours. I have one of the greatest bosses in the world, so I know that this is not a common situation.

But it is the situation that I asked for and with some help and encouragement from my partner, friends, etc., the situation I helped create. I think that together and individually we could make these types of arrangements more common for parents. But it will take us standing up and asking (demanding) it. There are organizations working towards a society, marketplace and government that truly supports families and mothers, just look at the list of links to the left. Moms Rising is one. MOTHERS is another.

So take a moment and explore these organizations' sites. You may be inspired to make changes in your own life to better attune your life with your true values/needs. You may also rethink your political leanings, because often candidates pay lip service to caring about women and families, but they vote quite another way.

How have you found balance in your life? Working part time? Staying at home full time? Starting your own business? Home schooling?

Menu Planning Update

Quite to my own surprise we are on week 3 of Nicole's Menu Planning Kick. So far, so good. I have stuck to my plans, except for a couple changes. Tonight we are doing beef stroganoff. Basically I follow Betty Crocker's recipe but just slow cook the beef since I bought some cheap stew meat.

I have decided that planning our weekday dinners doesn't make me an uber-mommy-dork. I'm just making my own life easier and making sure we eat at least two meat-free meals a week. Motherhood and SAHM-hood has taught me the power of planning ahead, although often the plans have to be tweaked. But flying by the seat of your capris doesn't often make for happy family life...at least not in our house. At least not when it comes to feeding time.

What meal time organization trick helps you the most?

Living without instructions

Since I could read I've been ignoring the instructions on everything from tests to owner's manuals to knitting patterns. I like to do things my own way, or as we say in my house I like "my experiments". Most of my experiments are born from someone's instructions or recipe. I have some ingredients or materials and I don't' know what to do with them, so I hit the Google and find out what other people have done with yarn or apples or spelt flour.

Without trying to sound smug, most of my experiments are successful, especially the kitchen experiments. My partner might disagree, but he also goobled up the whole grain chocolate chip cookies I made with whole wheat and spelt flour this weekend. But really its hard to mess up a cookie. It is not difficult to mess up apple crisp; although prior to my attempts to go my own way I would have thought it foolproof. I believe there were four failures over a couple years before I made the "best apple crisp ever" (his words, not mine). That superior crisp started as a recipe in my slow cooking cookbook, but I didn't have enough apples so I halved all the ingredients. I also added maple syrup (one of my secret ingredients) and probably a couple of my other secret spices. The result is not purely my own invention, more my interpretation of apple crisp.

My interpretations of felt puppets (see above) and blankets have had various results. But the end product is secondary to me. I am in it for the experience and the thrill of doing something my way. I have always learned better when I do it myself, and frankly its more fun. If I choose to look deeper I think I ignore the instructions because I'm afraid to fully commit myself to the project. If an "experiment" fails, well it was a learning experience. If a serious undertaking fails, well, its a failure. I'm a failure. Plus, if I succeed and do create the "best ___ ever", well then I'm obviously a creative genius. I never said I was logical, just creative.

I look at my whole life as an experiment. I read and learn from others and then stride out on my own. Sometimes I take the road most traveled, and sometimes I get my machete and blaze my own trail. I have wasted lots of yarn, money, apples and hours on my experiments. But I have also lived a fantastic life full of adventures and pleasures that were worth every single heartbreak and burned thumb. And have eaten some damn fine meals.