How Free-Range Are Your Kids?

I have found my new favorite parenting movement and blog: Free Range Kids.  Basic premise of Free Range Parenting (FRP) is that children need and deserve the freedom and independence to play and do things for themselves.

"Helicopter parenting," which has gotten broad media exposure, so much to the point that now I find articles highlighting the benefits of being in your kid's life/face 24-7, is basically the antithesis of Free Range Parenting.  The appeal to FRP to me lies in the idea of trust: trust in your child, trust in your own abilities to teach your child about right and wrong, safety, etc., and trust in the world (strangers).  I don't want my son to think that around every corner is a "bad person" waiting to kidnap him or hurt him.  I want him to feel confident to make good decisions about what situations and people are safe and comfortable.  Truth is, crimes against children are down (child abuse, neglect, abductions, etc.) and that most crimes against children are perpetrated by someone the child knows (family member, teacher, coach, neighbor, etc.). Don't get me even started about the dreaded and much-hyped "online predators".

I was a Free Range kid.  I grew up on the rural edge between two suburban towns.  My back yard was bordered by cornfields and woods.  There were acres of farmland and woodlands for the neighborhood kids to explore.  It was paradise!!!  At the ages of 8-12 my two best friends (neighbors) and I would wonder all over the general area, playing in the pond out in the fields, lounging in the clover fields until dark, carrying picnics out to the woods, building forts in deep trenches, tracking deer, and so many more "dangerous" and daring adventures.  Our parents couldn't see us, they didn't want to see us!  We were kicked out of the house after breakfast, got called in for lunch, and then were free until dark.  In this neglectful environment we got fresh air, exercise, friendship, independence and hours of fun. 

I want my son to have similar adventures.  Although his adventures will be in a more urban/surburban landscape.  But in some ways his range can be longer, because he can take the bus or trolley to the city or out to another suburban town.  I was at the mercy of where I could walk or where my parents were willing to drive me.  I'm not saying that my son will be riding the bus at the age of 5, but maybe at 8 or 10.  It depends on his maturity and how much responsibility he can handle.  Some kids would get into all kinds of real danger and trouble if given an hour of freedom.  Other kids wouldn't even think of it. 

Just yesterday, my son played in our backyard (tiny backyard) while I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready to make dinner.  I couldn't see him the whole time, but I could hear him digging in the garden.  I checked on him as I went about my business in the kitchen.  It was a great solution to the problem of us wanting to do different things.  Some people will think that leaving a 2 1/2 year old unsupervised for even a minute is crazy.  Other people will wonder what took me so long.

I am all for each parent making her own choices and following her instincts.  But the media and others have a vested interest in making us doubt our own instincts and understanding.  We have to be diligent and thoughtful in our decisions about parenting.  But we don't have to be afraid. 

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• SF Gate.com's review of Opting In by Amy Richards.
• A book review by Journeyer's Chronicles: Screamfree Parenting.
• Newsweek has a story on the rise of homeschooling.
• Don't miss this month's giveaways: A Thomas DVD and a subscription to Brain, Child magazine.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Non-toxic shower curtains and bath toys from Nature's Mom Blog
• Results of MomLogic.com's Happiness Poll are kind of surprising.
• Are you a YES mom?
• Teen pregnancies are on the decline.
• Shape of a Mother - what motherhood really does to women's bodies.

Book Review: A Nation of Wimps (courtesy of goodreads)

A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting by Hara Estroff Marano

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book will have a profound effect on how I parent and it already has me re-thinking and changing my ways.

Basically, the book is about how the growing trend of "helicopter" or "death-grip" or "intrusive" parenting is not only weakening and harming our kids, but will also ultimately limit our country's prospects in the new global economy. I have friends in higher ed and they have told me stories about 18 year-olds unable to decide for themselves what size t-shirt they need and don't know how to solve a simple roommate conflict without calling mom and dad in for advice or assistance. I really didn't believe that things were so bad, until I read this book.

The book outlines the innumerable ways that parenting from a place of fear and anxiety is hurting kids. Kids are more anxious, more depressed, more stressed and more lonely thanks to parents who never allow them to face a challenge or experience a loss on their own. And the irony of this trend is that the parents' actions cause more harm to their children than the perceived risks could. Kids are hesitant or uninterested in trying something new, speaking out, questioning authority, and generally taking chances. They are raised to think there is always some hidden danger and that success is only measured in grades and the college you attend. It's perfectionism at its worse.



Along with anecdotal evidence and scientific evidence of this trend and its damage, the book also includes explanations of the psychological and biological processes of child development and the effects of death-grip parenting.

Kids need to experience failure (it's how we learn) and feel pain. They need to find out what they are best at, what they enjoy and who they want to be. We are hurting our kids when we plan their whole days, their whole lives, for them. They need a chance and time to explore. They need to be loved not for what they achieve, but for who they are. They also need space and time away from their loving parents so they can develop their own coping mechanisms and their identities, even at young ages.

Before reading this book, I was parenting from a place of anxiety a lot of the time, but now I realize that we do the best we can to provide a safe and loving place for our son. It's our job to free him and expose him to the many challenges and beauties of this world, not to shield him and groom him to be some ideal child. He already is an ideal child, himself.

And by the way, kids aren't getting abused and abducted more than they used to. It's actually happening much less, and really, it is most often done by someone the kid knows or is related to. So let the kid play outside for goodness sake.

View all my reviews.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• The Poop on parenting and sex
• Careerbuilder study shows dads would like to stay home.
• Are WAHM's the end of the Mommy Wars?
• 3 bills before Congress to help ensure equal pay for women (well for everyone)from
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• On mothers pursuing PhD's. Awesome!
• Moms as writers.
• Ass-pants for virgins.How to stop phone book delivery.
• Ideas for what to do with your preschooler. Some easy and fun ideas.
  
• New York Times: How you spend your money on your kids.
• Do you wish you could get away? I sure do on many a day.
  
• A Primer on cloth diapering options, with a giveaway!
• Add your ideas for the Granny Manual.
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Is there a race bias? Are children of color taken from mothers more often than white children?
• Alice Walker's daughter, Rebecca, on her mother, motherhood and feminism.
• Do you work part time? Help out others by taking a survey.
• Another interview with Amy Richards.
• AFL-CIO wants to know what working women want.
• Should adoption be color-blind?
• A new placebo pill is being marketed to parents. Is that a good idea? Experts say no.

What people are saying....

A look around the internets for stories about or related to mothering.

• Amy Kossossoff Smith on the Business of Being a Mother.
• Being your kid's best friend is bad for them, according to Dr. Stephen Poulter.
• Kristi Palma on the Love of Grandparents
• Babies Online has a good post on Moms Being Moms (against the mommy wars).
• Think you deserve an awards banquet? So does Rita Deutsch.
• Kelly Miss has a good post on Babble about having it all.
• How parents keep kids in line by Kelly Reimer.
• Why we must vaccinate from the LA Times Opinion Page.
• Some green parent hacks at savvysource.com.
• Tired of saying the same things over and over? Here's a laugh.

What people are saying....

A new feature (most often daily) on items in the news and in the blogosphere related to mothers and women.

• UK mothers should be paid to stay at home and raise their children, according to a recent report.
• From Newsweek: The Feminine Mistakes. Are we to add our own mothers to the mommy wars?
• On a related note: A feature on the new book Making Up with Mom by Julie Halpert. (win a copy)
• Research shows that socially active parents have more successful children.
• College students binge drink. Is that really news?
• Autistic mannerisms reduced by sensory treatment.
• Inflexible workplaces deter breastfeeding (In Australia). This shouldn't surprise anyone.
• Sexist media coverage of Hillary Clinton. I am not a fan of hers but I agree the press treat her unfairly.
• Wisebread has some inexpensive ways to occupy the kids over summer vacation.
  

Baby Blowout?

After reading this article in Philadelphia Magazine I'm feeling both disgusted and a little like a loser. I am not even sure I know what a blowout is, well not the ones that happen in spas anyway. The blowouts I know happen to tires or diapers. And yet there are six and eight year olds experiencing manicures and blowouts on a regular basis here in my home town. I'm not as disturbed by all that as I am about the idea of giving a pre-pubescent girl a bikini wax. Yes, a bikini wax for someone without pubic hair. How does that even work?

Whether this is a trend for just the uber-wealthy socialites or a general trend for the masses, it is all too disturbing for words. When exactly will we stop sexualizing little girls? And where is the age cap: six, four, six months? This trend says too much about the deep illness and insanity of this culture. We are so caught up in the illusion of the physical that we cannot see the damage we do to the eternal and internal with these stupid attempts at beauty/control. How empty these mothers must feel! No number of spa treatments will ever help your child feel beautiful. Truly seeing your child as they are is the only beauty treatment she needs.