What a girl needs...with a side of guilt

Today, I did two things I rarely do, let alone on the same day. First, I got a haircut. I'm not totally thrilled with it, but the lady did do what I asked. It's short. See photo. The best part of the haircut is always the shampoo. Today it rocked.

The second and most enjoyable rare activity, I went shopping. I planned to meet up with two old friends to do some window shopping, so I went early and shopped my heart out at Ann Taylor. I purchased a conservative, yet fun outfit for my return to the office. It's mostly navy blue, but it is still kind of cool. OK, as cool as Ann Taylor (not Ann Taylor Loft) can be. And then I spent a few hours ogling baby clothes, sipping Starbucks (also a rarity), and caressing Kitchenaid mixers with my girlfriends. It was mega-fun for this mama.

Of course I felt some guilt about spending the money.

Haircut=$30
Outfit = $80
Starbucks = $5

But you know what, I don't know the last time I bought myself some clothes at a nice store. Really, the last thing I remember buying was the dress I'm wearing. That was at Kohl's in May and it was $14. I don't even really like this dress, but it fit and it was cheap. Yes, that's how I shop most of the time. But yesterday I was practical, stylish, and indulgent, all in the same purchase. I had limited myself to $100 for a new outfit suitable for work. So in a way I save $20, which I really wanted to spend on shoes, but resisted.

I wouldn't have felt guilty about spending that money if I was earning a paycheck. But life as a no-pay mama, has left me feeling guilty about spending money on lots of things. Sometimes I get resentful of the guilt and just spend some money. Usually it is something totally practical or needed, but on a rare occasion its new shoes or a toy for the boy. I can't wait until I have a paycheck of my own and can have a little money all my own to do with what I will. That's the one thing I really miss about employment. And to be honest, I don't get flack from my partner about spending money, except for the time I left the bank account with too little money and bounced the mortgage payment. That wasn't pretty.

Am I the only one who feels guilty about spending money?

I hate cleaning!

Cleaning Lady
Originally uploaded by bulent_yusuf

Back before I had a kid, when I was working full time and only had myself and my partner (and two cats) to care for, keeping the house reasonably clean seemed like no big deal. I marveled at the stay-at-home mothers who complained about not having time to clean. What the hell were they doing all day?! How long does it take to wash the damn floor?

And in the beginning of motherhood, even though I had an infant who really didn't enjoy being put down, I managed to keep the house reasonably clean and cook dinner most nights. I had a little schedule I kept to on what rooms/chores to tackle each day. Well, in the last several months I have ditched that schedule and have a more "relaxed" housekeeping regimen. I still cook dinner most week nights, maybe we do take-out one night. And that only really gets done because I have been meal planning (well, I've kind of ditched that too, but that's another story). But you know what, I'm not cleaning like I used to.

And you know what else? The house isn't ready to be condemned and no one is dying from some flesh-eating bacteria. I have been sticking to the bathroom cleaning regimens, but trust me that probably isn't often enough for some standards (powder room at least once a week and the other two get done when they get done, about once a month). I clean the kitchen and other floors when they are dirty and sweep a few times a week. We only really sleep upstairs, so that gets cleaned monthly. I was hesitant to commit those things to the written (online) word, but I'm not going to be ashamed because I don't meet some imagined standard. The only people who come to my house are the people who live here plus a grandparent or two. And they are blind except for the boy.

And do you know what I blame for my slacker status? This blog and all the other blogs out there. Now I spend naptime reading and writing and thinking, instead of scrubbing and sweeping. Not so bad of a trade off, huh?

Now I wonder what's going to happen when I go back to work. If we can afford it, I hope to hire some cleaning help for once a month. After talking to some friends I have found that its pretty common for families to have a cleaning person come in once a month or every two weeks. Well, common for my circles anyway.

So, do you have a cleaning or slacker confession? Or do you actually like to clean?

Mommy Salon

No, not the kind of salon with hair dryers and nail polish, but the kind with intellectual and creative people discussing topics of interest and sharing knowledge. I just returned home after spending the morning with several interesting women; we were discussing motherhood, work and being a SAHM. I was the alleged discussion leader, but the conversation flowed so naturally, that my little questions weren't needed.

Like any good group discussion there was a kind of magic that brought me out of my own head for a while. I wasn't sitting there thinking about what I was going to say next or how my hair looked; I was honestly engaged and learning from the experiences of the other women. We learned about our differences in situations, needs, desires, work history, etc. But some universals were also laid bare.

We all love our families and are happy to be home with our children, rather than out in a "job" all day. We all view our time caring for our children as real work, but feel that society doesn't view it that way. We all have supportive partners who want us to be home and show some appreciation for our work (this may be unusual for the world at large). We all feel the guilt and conflict about wanting time away from home and offspring. We all have challenges negotiating personal time with our partners. We all see our time at home with our kids as a small block of a long life, so sacrifices of personal ambitions and creative projects are bearable.

I observed that a couple of the mothers didn't desire or want a career, but saw employment as a way to earn income. A few others (like me) are willing to make sacrifices of personal ambitions and career goals to the health and well being of our families. But we definitely want to pursue some career, whether artistic, commercial, or public-sector in the future.

One thing we danced right around or actually probably ignored: financial vulnerability. I brought up the subject, but no one wanted to engage in a discussion about it. We did talk about divorce and child custody, etc., but only in general ways. Just like all the books have said, we SAHMs don't want to talk or think about what our lack of income means to our futures. Poverty is an ugly and scary prospect, who wants to talk about it? I hadn't realized we skipped the topic until just now, or else I might have pushed it a little.

So why am I posting this here? Because I think all mothers should have similar conversations with other mothers, and not just about motherhood, but about marriage, education, politics, relationships, feminism, etc. We so often focus on our kids and forget that we are more than just a mother to our kids. We are thinking and feeling creative and spiritual beings with needs for connection and community, especially connection to other women.

So I'm going to go and check my calendar so I can schedule the next Mommy Salon. I hope this becomes a national trend, maybe if we get Gwenyth and Angelina to join one.

How do you connect to other women?

Seeking balance

One of my BFFs is finishing up her last week at work. She's joining the SAHM ranks, "opting out", whatever you want to call it. I am thinking about her because just as I'm feeling stifled and a little bored with the whole SAHM scene, she's ready to jump right into it. My friend has been working full time at a job that requires work on nights and weekends, in addition to regular business hours, since her daughter was about 4 months old. She likes the work and the challenges there, but the environment and responsibilities were not conducive to her being the kind of mother she wants to be. So in order for her and her family to be happy, healthy and sane, she's going to be giving up full time employment to be the stay at home parent.

And then there's me. I am heading off to work again in about 6 weeks, after being employment-free for 2 years. Going back to work is not an immediate financial necessity, I'm going back to the office because I want to. I really want to. My son is ready to learn from other people and develop new friendships and relationships. Hopefully my partner will be moving to a 4 day work week in the near future. Our family is ready for the new challenges, at least we think so. Because I'm as lucky as I am blessed, I have the opportunity to go back to a position that is challenging and fulfilling , as well as to co-workers who make my life so much more interesting and teach me about everything from cooking to new street slang. Not to mention decent pay and great benefits that will actually help us save some money every month. I picked my new responsibilities and hours. I have one of the greatest bosses in the world, so I know that this is not a common situation.

But it is the situation that I asked for and with some help and encouragement from my partner, friends, etc., the situation I helped create. I think that together and individually we could make these types of arrangements more common for parents. But it will take us standing up and asking (demanding) it. There are organizations working towards a society, marketplace and government that truly supports families and mothers, just look at the list of links to the left. Moms Rising is one. MOTHERS is another.

So take a moment and explore these organizations' sites. You may be inspired to make changes in your own life to better attune your life with your true values/needs. You may also rethink your political leanings, because often candidates pay lip service to caring about women and families, but they vote quite another way.

How have you found balance in your life? Working part time? Staying at home full time? Starting your own business? Home schooling?

Book Review: The Feminine Mistake (courtesy of goodreads)

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? by Leslie Bennetts

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
When I first started reading this book I hated Ms. Bennetts and thought she was a smug self-righteous person (I just edited myself). I stopped reading and cursed her for hating stay at home mothers so much (full disclosure, I am a stay-at-home mother). But then I thought about it. Why had I reacted so strongly to this book and her ideas? Because on some level I knew she was right, or at least her points applied to me.



The basic thrust of the book is that women give up too much when they "choose" to give up employment for full-time child care. They give up financial independence, self-fulfillment, self-determination, the respect of others (sometimes including their partners and children), retirement savings, freedom, the opportunity to live up to their full potential, and intellectual challenge. She doesn't argue that motherhood and caring for children is unimportant, but just that it can be done by others, including the children's father, child care providers, etc.



Women who choose to "opt out" often don't think about the vulnerability they assume once they give up the paycheck. Women who rely on their husbands (or partners) for their financial security can be surprised when they are left to fend for themselves (by their partner's death, divorce, etc.). Often they have been out of the work force for a decade or more and cannot re-enter their chosen field, or at least not at the level they had held when they left. Women returning to work face sexism and ageism.



Our culture tells women that they can't "have it all", meaning they can't have a happy and healthy family, a job and a strong relationship with their partners. Something has to give, and for a lot of women, they give up their jobs/careers. How many stories do you hear about a mother being successful in a career and being an active and involved parent? No, they are usually about the stresses and strains of combining work and motherhood.



Mothers are held up to some absurd standards to be Martha Stewart, Mary Poppins, and Jenna Jamison (the porn star, in case you don't know) all while volunteering at church and school every week. But what about the dads? If they give a kid a bath or do a load of laundry they are Father of the Year. Men are not asked to make the same sacrifices as their female partners. Why?



Maybe because we women don't demand it. Maybe because we just assume that it's our job to take care of kids, house and everyone else. Maybe because we don't think (or want to think) that anyone can do it as good as we can. Maybe because we are afraid of the hassle, challenges, stress, etc. that the full life of work and home and children brings.



But let's remember that kids grow up. They go to school. They get their own lives. They don't want or need us around. What happens to all the at-home moms then? They get bored. They feel insecure and useless. They try to get back into the work world and are re-buffed at every turn. They get divorced.



So what are we to do as women? We are to live full lives with all the challenges, and with help from our partners. Men in Gen X and Y don't expect to have their partners to be June Cleaver and don't want to miss out on being fathers like their own may have. So let's ask them, demand them, to help us out so we can all be happy and fulfilled. And then let's demand that our society institutes policies that support families and mothers. We are legion, let's get to it.



As one of my favorite saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."



After finishing the whole book, I have to say this book changed my thinking and probably will change my life. I have taken steps to add work and other activities to my life to give it more depth and breadth. My son and partner will benefit from these changes, as well as myself and society as a whole. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot for my child (and gladly). Now I need to show him what a healthy full life looks like, at least mine.


View all my reviews.

I've been duped! and so have you....

The more I read the more I realize that in many ways I have been duped. I have been duped into believing that I can't really "have it all". I have been duped to believe that somebody, whether my partner or husband, my employer, my family, my government, is going to take care of me or at least always look out for my best interests. I have been duped to think that I am really the only person who can care for my child. I have been duped into making choices and sacrifices, which once I look at possible consequences, I'm not really that comfortable with.

I have been really thinking about where I would be if my partner left me, died, was in a coma, disabled, etc. How would I provide for my family? How would I make the mortgage? Where would I go for work? And because of these questions, I've been seriously considering going back to school to get my masters. But first I need to go back to work. I'm going to start part time.

I am in a unique situation. I contacted my former employer to see if I could do some part time work. I received an enthusiastic response, and was offered my pick of projects/tasks. So, I'm going back to work in a few months. I'm excited, even though it means finding child care for the boy, juggling responsibilities, and less time with my best buddies.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but like motherhood, I know I will figure it along the way. I'm just not comfortable being financially dependent. I'm not comfortable not having more time to myself, even though it means time at work. I'm not comfortable without some intellectual challenges. And you know, I miss grown ups. Grown ups who don't just relate to me as the mother of my child. Grown ups that respect me for my ideas, my opinions, and my integrity.

Sure being a mother is joyful and challenging, but for me, now and for my long term future, it isn't enough.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• It pays to show up at your kid's school.
• Postpartum Depression bills before Congress.
• Rebel Dad on fathers' involvement in childcare.
• Stay-at-home parent survival guide from About.com
• CNN.com has a special section on Working Moms.
• Modern Homesteading and voluntary simplicity
• Diaper Swappers for cloth diapering families
• Portable sandbox idea from Parent Hacks.
• 40% of babies need more vitamin D.
• Should homeschooling be regulated?
• New magazine for teens focused on abstinence

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Wanna be on TV?
• Are parents killing play?
• 3 cookbooks for kids.
• End of school year obligations pain working parents.
• An interesting take on the SAHM salary articles by a SAHM. Really, read it.
• Don't do your own laundry. I really don't mind laundry. Now having someone else clean the bathrooms...
• Do you know about breast ironing? I didn't.
  
• Having a C-section can make you un-insurable. Great, so that's millions of potentially un-insurable women. Like me.
• Making child care more affordable.
• Clinton supporters can't be so stupid (err....I mean angry) to vote for McCain and his anti-feminist ways. Can they?
  

A Book Review, Interrupted

I am supposed to be reading The Feminine Mistake (by the way, the book is on super sale at Amazon for under 6 bucks for the hardcover) so that I can review it here. But I had to put it in the freezer (random Friends reference for those who like Joey). The book didn't scare me, but it did make me mad and a little insecure because I "choose" to stay at home with my son for a few years instead of pursuing a career. Of course this is all in my head. The book isn't judging me, although the author might. I am judging me. And that scared the bejeezus out of me.

I am happy to be home with O. I actually get excited about our day together when I wake up in the morning to him calling "Ya-ya!" (yep, that's my name!). I did actually choose to be home and left a job I loved with great colleagues, decent pay and excellent benefits. But there is a part of me that wants to go back to work. A part of me that's afraid of the repercussions of taking a few years off, in terms of finances, self-esteem, etc.

What if I am left a single mother by any number of things that can happen? What if I can't get another job I love and pays me fairly? What if I just get stuck here in a rut and never challenge myself? What if I can't save enough for retirement and am left in poverty?

Yes, I really do think and sometimes worry about these things. And they are real concerns to me and should be to other women as well. And I have books to thank for these concerns. Books meant to empower or frighten or inform (not sure which sometimes). Books like The Price of Motherhood. Books I am grateful for, but nonetheless cause me to feel doubtful and insecure.

I am going to go back to The Feminine Mistake because I must. Books that cause such a passionate reaction have something to teach. And all the knowledge my fellow sisters in motherhood impart will come in handy to me someday, like today. We need to challenge each other and to ask the uncomfortable questions of our choices and motivations. We can't all sit in our respective mommy corners cheering on our own "team", but must look at why we choose the team in the first place, if we had a choice. I am a stay at home parent now, but someday I'll be a working parent. I'll need to change teams and look at the world from a different corner, so I'm going to arm myself with whatever knowledge and questions I can.

So look for my review soon. I'm going to tough up and read.

Book Review: Opting In by Amy Richards

When I first started reading Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself I was defensive and a little pissed off at Ms. Richards. I felt judged by her for my choice to stop working outside the home to be a full time mama and my reliance on my partner (a man) for my financial stability. After finishing the book (having skimmed the chapter on our relationship with our mothers) I don't feel judged, but I do feel a little inferior. Ms. Richards has a healthy career as writer and activist, mothers her sons, shares parenting and household maintenance with her partner, and maintains relationships with her girlfriends. I barely keep my house together, do most of the housework, do most of the parenting, and struggle to keep my dear friendships with my pre-motherhood friends. Did I mention that often its 10 p.m. (just in time for a good night kiss) before I realize that I haven't touched by partner since our morning good-bye?

Ok, I realize that these feelings are a projection, and this doesn't really count as a book review. But I have to air this out for my own sanity and through this process I'll shed some light on the book (I hope).

I think I'm like most mothers in these things. We struggle to keep life and home together and the people we love fed and cared for. Sure, I choose to be home full time, but the choice is more one of necessity considering the expense of daycare in our area and my meager non-profit salary. I just don't see how I am supposed to live all my progressive liberal values, like Ms. Richards proposes (or demands) in her (well-researched and insightful) book.

So what are these values?

• Men and women are equal (but different)
• Children deserve stability, love, age-appropriate educational experiences, and respect (among many other things)
  
• Everyone deserves to live authentically with the support of their family/friends
  
• Marriage isn't necessary for happiness
• Respecting the earth through living greenly and consciously
• Love is a verb
• Things don't bring happiness

At this time, I'm stuck. I know that everything listed isn't a value exactly, but you get my drift. I'm your average white middle class educated liberal woman, well in some ways anyway. And after trying to list my values, I realize that I do live them in my own authentic way.

My partner and I are equals. We make decisions together about spending money, changing jobs, moving, parenting, household stuff, etc. We each have areas of dominion and expertise, but we value and respect the ideas and opinions of the other. We choose not to be married for several reasons (which I'll share in a future post). For us, for now, this works out well.

I actively pursue my own interests and relationships and encourage my partner to do the same. I volunteer for the local Birth Center. I am going to be walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day in October with a couple of college friends. I organize a parents group. I cook and bake a lot because I want to. And occasionally I go out with friends on my own. My partner rides a motorcycle, participates in autocross events, and is way into his photography hobby. In other words, we have lives and interests separate from our family life and each other.

We live frugally, but spend money on the things we value like good food, a house in a friendly neighborhood, and cars (ok, he values those more than I do). But we don't go to the mall or shop online for fun. We don't buy much but food and necessities. We recycle and reuse whatever we can. We conserve. We re-use bags and bring our own.

As for parenting, I think we rock at it. Our son is smart, curious, friendly and happy. I spend quality time with him everyday playing in the yard, walking to the library, playdates, etc. My partner spends quality time with our son when he's home and O's awake. During the week it isn't much, but weekends are time for us together. Saturdays tend to be a day for family outings to the park, etc. We don't outsource his care to anyone really but his grandparents on occasion. Maybe that isn't wholly a positive.

So back to the book.....I like it. I have been challenged by it (obviously). I found the most value in the chapters about women's friendships and co-parenting. It's a book for women of my generation (X, I guess) who benefited from the struggles of our mothers and grandmothers to enter the workforce and have equal footing in society. We truly have the choice to stay home or head off to the factory or office. Although this choice is purely for the middle and upper classes; poorer women often work out of necessity. I do often feel, like Ms. Richards, that motherhood is undervalued and or disrespected in this country, despite all the hoopla around Mothers' Day. But until we demand the respect and rights we deserve (and desire), well, no one is going to give it to us. And I suppose this is what she means when she calls for us to live our values. We have to be ourselves so our children and other women see the diversity of valid choices and lifestyles. The more of us there are out there, the more of us there will be. We have to work together, speak truthfully and support one another. No more Mommy Wars, if there ever really was any.

Mama Rocked Her Time Out

Maybe running away from your family to spend Mother's Day weekend with one of your best friends and miscellaneous gays (two of whom are also great friends) is not the conventional way to celebrate, but it sure brought this mama back to life. Sure I missed my little boy to the point of tears when I saw those little red Radio Flyer wagons at the Lilac Festival. Sure I probably could have gone without eating a sausage with peppers and onions at 2 a.m. And, in all honesty, Ambrosia Salad is not the most beautiful or talented drag queen I have seen. BUT the laughter, reminiscing and catching up was tonic for my sometimes-feeling-too-old soul.

I would share some photos, but I left my camera behind. I did, however, return home with a purse full of condoms. So that might give you an idea of what kind of fun I had.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

Do Working Moms Get a Break?Interview with Jessica Denay of The Hot Mom's Club
Are SAHM's the new "cheap labor"? From Workitmom.com
Veronica at has a great take on Michelle Obama quitting her job
Is feminism an attack of the body? From Jennifer Roback Morse.



Notes:
I think that SAHMs get paid less (or agree to less pay) because they value the experience more than the money. As a mom who's been out of the workforce for almost two years, I savor the time I do get working on small freelance projects from time to time. My hourly rate is actually pretty good, but I would probably do the same work for less, and happily. Keeping skills fresh and networking are invaluable to women wanting to re-enter the full time work-world in the future. And is the only mark of our value our paychecks? If so, then sisters we are in trouble!

I'm reading Amy Richards' new book and so have been thinking about feminism and our female bodies. I agree with Morse that on some level feminism is rejecting the biological realities of our bodies, especially when it comes to fertility and reproduction. If motherhood and reproduction are hindrances and oppressions one should avoid, then where do all our future sisters come from? Isn't there a biological imperative that we reproduce ourselves? And haven't we learned from our dystopian works of art that removing the biology and humanity from reproduction is a bad idea? See Brave New World.

And on to my favorite future First Lady....Michelle Obama will get slack from everyone no matter what she chooses, because she's a strong woman married to the future Leader of the Free World (please, please, let me get what I want this time). Sometimes in life we have to choose to do what's best for our families, for our partners, for ourselves, and it may not fit into the mold as feminist or mother or strong woman or whatever else others want us to be. Rock on Sister Obama, I've got your back.

What Mothers are talking about....

A long list from the last several days...

• From law.com: Discrimination of lawyer moms
• An article on hiremymom.com
• Misconceptions of working and stay-at-home moms
• Value of a stay-at-home-mom ($138,095)
• Wall Street Journal covers Mom SWAT teams
• Mothers' Day money advice
• Caillie Millner writes an interesting essay about today's young women and feminism
• Study shows that mental illness in parents linked to autism in children
• US parents are ignorant of their infant's development
• Most moms balk at HPV vaccine for young daughters
• Are stay-at-home mothers lazy?
• One in four US toddlers isn't fully vaccinated
• MomLogic has a post about the dangers of Crocs and Heelys
• The tale of Zoe Cruz in New York Magazine. (The almost first Wall Street CEO with boobs)
  

What people are saying....

A look around the internets for stories about or related to mothering.

• Amy Kossossoff Smith on the Business of Being a Mother.
• Being your kid's best friend is bad for them, according to Dr. Stephen Poulter.
• Kristi Palma on the Love of Grandparents
• Babies Online has a good post on Moms Being Moms (against the mommy wars).
• Think you deserve an awards banquet? So does Rita Deutsch.
• Kelly Miss has a good post on Babble about having it all.
• How parents keep kids in line by Kelly Reimer.
• Why we must vaccinate from the LA Times Opinion Page.
• Some green parent hacks at savvysource.com.
• Tired of saying the same things over and over? Here's a laugh.

Am I really that kind of mother?!

After browsing some blogs of mother's who are frugal, plan weekly menus, and generally kick my ass in the organized department, I realized there are some ways to economize and generally make my life easier. The first thing I thought I would try was planning our dinners for this week. It really wasn't hard. I thought about what we had and looked through a cookbook for ideas. And I came up with four meals (we have a birthday in the family this week so we're getting pizza!). Most of which I only need one or two ingredients from the store, the rest was already in the pantry, frig or freezer. So then I made up the grocery list of the things we actually needed for those meals and in general. In the end, a shopping trip tallied to just under $80. I followed the list; only two items purchased not on it, but still needed and I forgot one thing I have to pick up later. I have to say I am pretty self-satisfied and think this could become a regular pattern.

But then on the other hand.....am I really the kind of woman who plans a week's meals, writes lists, and then brags about it on her blog (however un-read it may be). It appears I am. But is becoming more organized and saving a little effort and money really that bad? Aren't I being a good mother, a good consumer, and a good partner by planning healthy low-cost meals? I'd like to think I am. But I can't help feeling a little dorky, a little June Cleaver.

Is this the first step down the slippery slope that leads to mom jeans and Christmas sweaters?
Is there something you have found yourself doing in the name of frugality or organization that makes you feel a little dorky?

Am I enough?

From the very beginning we decided that I was going to be "stay at home" mom (I really hate that label). We made this decision because we can live comfortably (well, comfortably enough to pay the bills every month) on my partner's salary and we figured no one could love and care for our child more than one of us. I thought I would be able to occupy, delight and educate my child all on my own. I figured I am smart enough to learn about child development and find opportunities for him to interact with other kids. Well, I am smart enough, but its harder than you think if you don't want to spend thousands on classes or drive yourself crazy coming up with activities.

I have expended considerable energy maintaining a healthy social circle for both myself and my child (who we will call O). I organize a fairly large meet up group for new parents, attended a breastfeeding support group regularly for over a year, and frequent library story times at a couple libraries. If anyone is tapped into what's out there, its me. But there's something missing in all these unstructured, yet scheduled play times and activities: time apart.

I love my son. He's a delightful, smart, amusing little person. He loves me. We get along well together and have few disagreements or unpleasant days. However, I know he needs to interact and bond with people other than me and his father. Time spent learning and negotiating with other children would be a real boost to O's development both socially and intellectually. O is a late talker, at least to my amateur opinion. But otherwise he appears to be on track developmentally for 20 months. We believe being around other children will help him with his language acquisition and use.

So we are thinking a pre-school or daycare setting would be just what we need. A few hours a couple times a week could provide the right amount of peer-play and time separate from the parents to spark O's independence and social awareness. We want something play-based, friendly, inexpensive, and with a diverse peer group. Having only started to look at the options, I am thinking that we may never find the perfect place in our immediate area. I have also realized that no matter how much part of me really wants a morning or two free to pursue other interests, work, a shower, whatever; another part of me doesn't believe that anyone else can provide him with the right care. Of course, no one else is O's mother; no one else will love him like I do. But certainly there are caring and capable adults out there who can read him books, play with him, teach him, care for him, inspire him, etc. We just have to find one or more of them.

We are not paranoid parents. We do not believe the internet is a den of pedophiles or that an unwashed and unsanitized hand will lead to the Plague. However, we are reluctant about child care outside our home. I have rationalized in the last few days that I can provide O with all the right social and learning opportunities, if I just apply myself. I do believe I can, but really do I want to? Do I want to be a toddler's cruise director of life full time for the next few years? Ah, no.

So I am back where I started. I might be enough for O, but this gig may not be enough for me...or more correctly, too much for me. I do want to be a "SAHM", but one with at least one mini-vacation a week. A working vacation maybe, but a vacation nonetheless.

Am I alone in this?