Book Review: Partnership Parenting

Kyle and Marsha Pruett (he an MD, she a PhD in social work) offer practical advice, tips, and insight to help parents be effective partners in raising happy and healthy children.  Central to the success of a two parent family is the respect and cooperation shared by the parents. The subtitles:  How Men and Women Parent Differently - Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage really sums up the whole premise of the book.

The book is divided into two parts. The first section reviews the many ways that men and women differ in  terms of how we parent and why these differences exist. But the authors also emphasis that some of the differences between parenting styles have as much to do with personality as they do gender or sex.  This section also offers advice on how to build and maintain a healthy, respectful relationship, even through times when you are annoyed with your partner or disagree about how he or she handled a situation.  I particularly like the questionnaire for moms to evaluate the ways we may act as a gatekeeper in the family, acting like the leader or expert of the family that gives Dad assignments, instructions, and criticism.  The last chapter in this section reviews what we think we know about child development and age appropriate behavior and what the realities are. 

The second section of the book devotes a chapter to the different kinds of parenting decisions and challenges faced by most families at one time or another: discipline, care and feeding, co-parenting and sleeping with children, safety, and education.  Each of these chapters follows a typical progression in issues and highlights some really common problems and approaches.  The last chapter of the book is entitled Divorce Prevention and the advice given is really priceless and will go a long way to help preserve peace and successful family life. 

The appendices include two questionnaires.  The first questionnaire is designed for each partner to answer concerning their values, feelings and beliefs about parenting decisions and challenges.  The questions offer a great starting point for further discussion and planning for co-parents.  The author suggests that couples work through these kinds of discussions as early as possible, preferably before pregnancy.  The second set of questions are about child development and milestones.

So what did I think about this book?  Well, overall I believe it was well-written and well-balanced; no particular point of view or gendered approach was favored.  Moms and dads were equally held accountable and praised.  To be honest, the book wasn't as helpful to our family as I was hoping, because we generally operate from a partnership model in our parenting roles.  I am not saying that everything is 50-50, but we do each take responsibility for caring for our son, as well as the fun stuff.  I do like that the authors repeatedly stated that co-parents should not keep tally on who did what or who's turn it is to cook dinner, do the laundry, drive carpool, etc.  They encouraged couples to work together, support one another, and recognize each parent's strengths and weaknesses.  The real life examples from a few different families were also helpful in illustrating how men and women approach parenting differently, both in how we see situations and the solutions we devise.  

One of my personal pet peeves about the book is that some of the comments seemed anti-attachment parenting, in particular on the issue of co-sleeping.  But that might be my own bias.  But overall, I feel like the authors do not espouse any one parenting philosophy.  It is worth the time and energy to read, especially if you and your partner find it difficult to come to consensus on family decisions.  But really, any and all families could benefit from the advice shared and the introspection encouraged by the authors. I know I have.

An Update

I have been focusing on collecting, reading and reviewing books for the blog.  I have two books I am currently reading and have requested a few others from publishers.  The Eco-nomical Baby Guide review should be up in the next several days. Partnership Parenting will follow shortly after.  I hope to add a review every few weeks, depending on life and my already full reading to-do list.  Might even score some freebies from the publishers to give away here!

So if there is a book you think I should review, please let me know in the comments.  I have found the publishers pretty willing to send out books to me, so hopefully I can score a free copy through them or the library.

I am also working on a couple of posts related to our food supply, school lunches and easy ways to be a little healthier and more green in everyday life.

The facebook page is gaining friends every day.  I am excited to have that venue to share ideas and news with everyone.  Check it out.

Book Review: Playful Parenting (courtesy of goodreads)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book is a must read for those in the attachment parenting camp, and any other parent wanting to have more fun, more connection and more happy times with their children. Cohen gives concrete examples of how to connect with kids using play, including rough-housing, games, silly antics and everyday activities.

The basics:

Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to look at challenges not as something to fix in the children, but as a problems to solve together with the child/ren. We must allow children to express their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, joy, etc. even when it is uncomfortable for the adults. Until the emotions are fully felt and released the kids carry them around. Eventually those feelings come out in the form of bullying, disobedience, violence, recklessness, etc. Cohen's big idea is that isolation and disconnection are the cause of problems in families.

Reading this book has already changed my life, by changing the way I look at life with a two year old, and even my behavior. One idea that will stay with me: say "yes" as often as possible. So often we go on automatic pilot and say "no" to every request and idea. But most of what children want to do or ask is really not worth a "no". Children should be given the chance to try new things (within safety limits, although we often exaggerate the danger in a outing, challenge, game, etc.), they need to learn new things, try to solve problems and explore the world with their senses and intellect. This idea doesn't mean your child gets to eat candy every night for dinner or gets every toy that crosses her path, but it means to open yourself up to the fun and unexpected learning in everyday activities and unexpected adventures.

My life is easier because when faced with a whining or negative toddler, I make a funny face, dance a silly dance or just give him a big tight hug. Most of the time things turn around right away and we get back to having fun or accomplishing the task at hand. Connection is the key. Kids want and need our attention. They will get it any way they can. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, why not examine your own reasons for considering it unwanted or "bad", and then see a way to work it out with the child. Maybe your kid is just bored or lonely or tired, not determined to make your day a living hell. Parenting is a contact sport, not a passive activity.

One tactic mentioned a lot on the book is just simply falling down like a fool, another is wrestling. Physical contact is key to connection. You also have to be willing to play the fool. Your child feels like a fool so often in their lives, they don't know all the answers, feel awkward in social situations, get told what to do by everyone; so once in a while it would be nice for us parents to play the fool, let the kid be the leader, the smart one, the winner. Yes, Cohen suggests that we lose on purpose to our kids, and play up to their limits. In beating us, kids grow confident, learn the game and get to be the victor. Who doesn't like to win? Our egos should be able to handle the lose, and some day the kids will ask us to stop letting them win.

Cohen acknowledges that sometimes the last thing we want to do is get on the floor and play Barbies or build a blanket fort, but that's the work of parenting. Through play we connect, we bond, our children grow to trust us, and we lay the groundwork for all the big things that lay in the future. It is time intensive and occasionally boring, but playful parenting is also fun, joyful and a great learning experience. I hope I keep up the good work.

View all my reviews.

Book Review: Unconditional Parenting (courtesy of goodreads)

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I am glad I read this book after reading A Nation of Wimps. I was primed for it. The main point I will take away from this book is that it matters more what a child perceives/hears than what is actually said or intended. We should hold back on the criticism and the praise, particularly blanket praise and criticism.

If you are someone who believes children should do as they are told just because they should listen to adults, well this book isn't for you. But if you are open to hearing out your kids, then this book is a great tool to start a long journey towards unconditional love.

The thing I like best about the book is that there are no explicit instructions on how to deal with specific situations/problems. There are general suggestions on where to start/come from when you are dealing with challenges, discipline, etc. But like Dr. Sears and others, this book looks at discipline not as punishment and reward (actually they are seen as the same thing) but as a way to help our children grow into ethical happy people. Discipline isn't something that is done to kids, but something done with kids. Big difference there from all the proponents of "time out". The ideas are backed by real science and data are given as support.

If you are willing to try something totally new or at least keep your mind open to new possibilities, well then give this book a read.
View all my reviews.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• SF Gate.com's review of Opting In by Amy Richards.
• A book review by Journeyer's Chronicles: Screamfree Parenting.
• Newsweek has a story on the rise of homeschooling.
• Don't miss this month's giveaways: A Thomas DVD and a subscription to Brain, Child magazine.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• 5 Tips for giving praise from the Huffington Post's Gretchen Rubin.
• Some fun giveaways at Now Entering Momville.
• Why childcare workers are paid nothing from Suzanne Reisman at Blogher.
• Cash Money Life has an informative and insightful post about Food Stamps.
• Catherine Morgan has an informative post about suicide prevention at Blogher.
• Feministe has a gret post asking for books to stock a feminist library. Add your suggestions.
• Urge your Senator to vote YES for PAID Family Medical Leave for federal employees
• Don't forget Think Mama's two giveaways! Brain, Child magazine and Thomas DVD
  

Winter Gift Giving Holiday in July!

I am working on some fun giveaways and contests for July. So far I have these prizes collected:

• One year subscription to Brain, Child magazine (my favorite magazine)
• Thomas the Tank Engine DVD: Engines and Escapades
• Breaking the Limit: One woman's motorcycle journey through North America by Karen Larsen
• Shape Your Self by Martina Navratilova (autographed)

I am proud that I have taken the initiative to promote this blog and find some cool prizes (I think anyway). I will be posting the details of how to win in the next few days. There will be some fun contests that involve thinking, laughing and connecting with other women. I can't wait.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Looking at the politics of motherhood in a new book.
• Long (but interesting) NYT magazine article on the declining birth rates in Europe.
• An interesting take on that NYT feature by Jen Chaney, focusing on US fertility and "flexible workplaces".
• Why aren't there more momoirs by women of color?
• Time Out advice from Slate
• Funny take on going to a Baby Shower from over at Slacker Moms R Us.
• Have you heard of D-MER? Me neither. But I have experienced it.
• Inside Baltimore homebirth underground.
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Should you drink with your kids? From Time magazine.
• Baby Shower idea: Books!
• Feministe on Work/Life Balance. Interesting points of view, including Tom Colicchio from Top Chef fame.
• What moms can learn from dads.
• Obama supports working mothers.
• Equally Shared Parenting
  

Book Review: A Nation of Wimps (courtesy of goodreads)

A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting by Hara Estroff Marano

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book will have a profound effect on how I parent and it already has me re-thinking and changing my ways.

Basically, the book is about how the growing trend of "helicopter" or "death-grip" or "intrusive" parenting is not only weakening and harming our kids, but will also ultimately limit our country's prospects in the new global economy. I have friends in higher ed and they have told me stories about 18 year-olds unable to decide for themselves what size t-shirt they need and don't know how to solve a simple roommate conflict without calling mom and dad in for advice or assistance. I really didn't believe that things were so bad, until I read this book.

The book outlines the innumerable ways that parenting from a place of fear and anxiety is hurting kids. Kids are more anxious, more depressed, more stressed and more lonely thanks to parents who never allow them to face a challenge or experience a loss on their own. And the irony of this trend is that the parents' actions cause more harm to their children than the perceived risks could. Kids are hesitant or uninterested in trying something new, speaking out, questioning authority, and generally taking chances. They are raised to think there is always some hidden danger and that success is only measured in grades and the college you attend. It's perfectionism at its worse.



Along with anecdotal evidence and scientific evidence of this trend and its damage, the book also includes explanations of the psychological and biological processes of child development and the effects of death-grip parenting.

Kids need to experience failure (it's how we learn) and feel pain. They need to find out what they are best at, what they enjoy and who they want to be. We are hurting our kids when we plan their whole days, their whole lives, for them. They need a chance and time to explore. They need to be loved not for what they achieve, but for who they are. They also need space and time away from their loving parents so they can develop their own coping mechanisms and their identities, even at young ages.

Before reading this book, I was parenting from a place of anxiety a lot of the time, but now I realize that we do the best we can to provide a safe and loving place for our son. It's our job to free him and expose him to the many challenges and beauties of this world, not to shield him and groom him to be some ideal child. He already is an ideal child, himself.

And by the way, kids aren't getting abused and abducted more than they used to. It's actually happening much less, and really, it is most often done by someone the kid knows or is related to. So let the kid play outside for goodness sake.

View all my reviews.

Book Review: The Feminine Mistake (courtesy of goodreads)

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? by Leslie Bennetts

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
When I first started reading this book I hated Ms. Bennetts and thought she was a smug self-righteous person (I just edited myself). I stopped reading and cursed her for hating stay at home mothers so much (full disclosure, I am a stay-at-home mother). But then I thought about it. Why had I reacted so strongly to this book and her ideas? Because on some level I knew she was right, or at least her points applied to me.



The basic thrust of the book is that women give up too much when they "choose" to give up employment for full-time child care. They give up financial independence, self-fulfillment, self-determination, the respect of others (sometimes including their partners and children), retirement savings, freedom, the opportunity to live up to their full potential, and intellectual challenge. She doesn't argue that motherhood and caring for children is unimportant, but just that it can be done by others, including the children's father, child care providers, etc.



Women who choose to "opt out" often don't think about the vulnerability they assume once they give up the paycheck. Women who rely on their husbands (or partners) for their financial security can be surprised when they are left to fend for themselves (by their partner's death, divorce, etc.). Often they have been out of the work force for a decade or more and cannot re-enter their chosen field, or at least not at the level they had held when they left. Women returning to work face sexism and ageism.



Our culture tells women that they can't "have it all", meaning they can't have a happy and healthy family, a job and a strong relationship with their partners. Something has to give, and for a lot of women, they give up their jobs/careers. How many stories do you hear about a mother being successful in a career and being an active and involved parent? No, they are usually about the stresses and strains of combining work and motherhood.



Mothers are held up to some absurd standards to be Martha Stewart, Mary Poppins, and Jenna Jamison (the porn star, in case you don't know) all while volunteering at church and school every week. But what about the dads? If they give a kid a bath or do a load of laundry they are Father of the Year. Men are not asked to make the same sacrifices as their female partners. Why?



Maybe because we women don't demand it. Maybe because we just assume that it's our job to take care of kids, house and everyone else. Maybe because we don't think (or want to think) that anyone can do it as good as we can. Maybe because we are afraid of the hassle, challenges, stress, etc. that the full life of work and home and children brings.



But let's remember that kids grow up. They go to school. They get their own lives. They don't want or need us around. What happens to all the at-home moms then? They get bored. They feel insecure and useless. They try to get back into the work world and are re-buffed at every turn. They get divorced.



So what are we to do as women? We are to live full lives with all the challenges, and with help from our partners. Men in Gen X and Y don't expect to have their partners to be June Cleaver and don't want to miss out on being fathers like their own may have. So let's ask them, demand them, to help us out so we can all be happy and fulfilled. And then let's demand that our society institutes policies that support families and mothers. We are legion, let's get to it.



As one of my favorite saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."



After finishing the whole book, I have to say this book changed my thinking and probably will change my life. I have taken steps to add work and other activities to my life to give it more depth and breadth. My son and partner will benefit from these changes, as well as myself and society as a whole. I feel like I have sacrificed a lot for my child (and gladly). Now I need to show him what a healthy full life looks like, at least mine.


View all my reviews.

Thinking Women Unite!

Since the little boy sprang from my womb, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a mother, how society treats us, and what choices do we really have in terms of parenting, working, and family life. So, I've been reading. Which is how I attempt to solve all of life's problems (books have replaced booze and denial, probably a good thing).

One of the things I want to do with this blog is create a space where mothers, and women in general, can talk about our place in society and the family. Why do we make the choices we make? Are they really choices? Who benefits from our choices and our work? Has feminism helped or hurt us? I have lots of questions.

So here are some books I have read to try to resolve these questions for myself:

The Price of Motherhood
Opting In
Unbending Gender
The Feminine Mistake

I'd like to get into some real discussions or at least delve into my own reactions and biases in relationship to the themes and ideas of these books. So, I'm going to use this blog to explore my own personal adventures in motherhood, womanhood and personhood through the lenses of these books and others that I read. I hope that my readers (however few or many) will join me in this look at how we view ourselves as mothers, how society views us and maybe more interesting, how we view each other.

Care to join me?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Wanna be on TV?
• Are parents killing play?
• 3 cookbooks for kids.
• End of school year obligations pain working parents.
• An interesting take on the SAHM salary articles by a SAHM. Really, read it.
• Don't do your own laundry. I really don't mind laundry. Now having someone else clean the bathrooms...
• Do you know about breast ironing? I didn't.
  
• Having a C-section can make you un-insurable. Great, so that's millions of potentially un-insurable women. Like me.
• Making child care more affordable.
• Clinton supporters can't be so stupid (err....I mean angry) to vote for McCain and his anti-feminist ways. Can they?
  

Book Review: Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (courtesy of goodreads)

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Pollan takes on a tremendous writing feat and accomplishes his goal of tracing the journey of three very different meals. Part 1 follows the industrial food chain beginning in a Iowa cornfield and travels all over America in search of where the corn goes and what it becomes, both animal and chemical. Eventually we end up in a car in Marin County sharing a McDonald's meal with Pollan's family. You have no idea what is really in a McNugget, and you probably don't want to.



Part 2 gives an in depth look into organic and sustainable farming; they are not always the same thing. From Polyface farms in Virginia to an industrial organic farm in CA, Pollan explains where the organic movement started and where it is today. You also get to learn a lot about chicken poop and grass. And in the end we share a meal comprised of only locally raised and in season foods cooked by Pollan himself.



In Part 3 Pollan takes on the task of preparing a meal from foods he has hunted, foraged or grown himself. So he goes wild pig hunting, mushroom hunting, and even captures wild yeast. In the end, Pollan does not leave the reader with any trite conclusions about food or how we ought to eat. We are left still with the omnivore's dilemma, but with some more information and a gut check, if you will.



After reading this book I am even more serious about buying local in season food and about growing some of our own. We have talked about buying a house with some land so we can grow some of our food, maybe in a few years this will be possible. I want to look my food in the eye, or at least the people who grow it, and be able to still eat it with a smile on my face. We can look away and continue to eat mindlessly from the industrial trough, or we can develop our own food culture based on more than profits, federal subsidies and convenience.


View all my reviews.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Let's talk about Hillary, women voters and feminismA review of A Nation of Wimps in WSJ. It's a book condemning over-involved parents.
• Healthy Toys has tested 16 more toys.

A Book Review, Interrupted

I am supposed to be reading The Feminine Mistake (by the way, the book is on super sale at Amazon for under 6 bucks for the hardcover) so that I can review it here. But I had to put it in the freezer (random Friends reference for those who like Joey). The book didn't scare me, but it did make me mad and a little insecure because I "choose" to stay at home with my son for a few years instead of pursuing a career. Of course this is all in my head. The book isn't judging me, although the author might. I am judging me. And that scared the bejeezus out of me.

I am happy to be home with O. I actually get excited about our day together when I wake up in the morning to him calling "Ya-ya!" (yep, that's my name!). I did actually choose to be home and left a job I loved with great colleagues, decent pay and excellent benefits. But there is a part of me that wants to go back to work. A part of me that's afraid of the repercussions of taking a few years off, in terms of finances, self-esteem, etc.

What if I am left a single mother by any number of things that can happen? What if I can't get another job I love and pays me fairly? What if I just get stuck here in a rut and never challenge myself? What if I can't save enough for retirement and am left in poverty?

Yes, I really do think and sometimes worry about these things. And they are real concerns to me and should be to other women as well. And I have books to thank for these concerns. Books meant to empower or frighten or inform (not sure which sometimes). Books like The Price of Motherhood. Books I am grateful for, but nonetheless cause me to feel doubtful and insecure.

I am going to go back to The Feminine Mistake because I must. Books that cause such a passionate reaction have something to teach. And all the knowledge my fellow sisters in motherhood impart will come in handy to me someday, like today. We need to challenge each other and to ask the uncomfortable questions of our choices and motivations. We can't all sit in our respective mommy corners cheering on our own "team", but must look at why we choose the team in the first place, if we had a choice. I am a stay at home parent now, but someday I'll be a working parent. I'll need to change teams and look at the world from a different corner, so I'm going to arm myself with whatever knowledge and questions I can.

So look for my review soon. I'm going to tough up and read.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Is there a race bias? Are children of color taken from mothers more often than white children?
• Alice Walker's daughter, Rebecca, on her mother, motherhood and feminism.
• Do you work part time? Help out others by taking a survey.
• Another interview with Amy Richards.
• AFL-CIO wants to know what working women want.
• Should adoption be color-blind?
• A new placebo pill is being marketed to parents. Is that a good idea? Experts say no.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• 4 books all parents should read. I have only read the last one and it should be among every child's books.
• Drinking 100% juice doesn't make kids fat.
• A must-read on the new tax bill just passed by the House. Of particular concern to single mothers.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• A great essay on parenting choices and loving our mothering sisters. It's long, but worth the effort.
• Are women just not interested in math and science careers?
• A short review of The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts
• Interview with Amy Richards about her book Opting In.
• How to avoid genetically modified food from Eco Child's Play.
• Stripper pole kits marketed to young girls?
• Save the Planet- Stop Shopping
  

Book Review: Opting In by Amy Richards

When I first started reading Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself I was defensive and a little pissed off at Ms. Richards. I felt judged by her for my choice to stop working outside the home to be a full time mama and my reliance on my partner (a man) for my financial stability. After finishing the book (having skimmed the chapter on our relationship with our mothers) I don't feel judged, but I do feel a little inferior. Ms. Richards has a healthy career as writer and activist, mothers her sons, shares parenting and household maintenance with her partner, and maintains relationships with her girlfriends. I barely keep my house together, do most of the housework, do most of the parenting, and struggle to keep my dear friendships with my pre-motherhood friends. Did I mention that often its 10 p.m. (just in time for a good night kiss) before I realize that I haven't touched by partner since our morning good-bye?

Ok, I realize that these feelings are a projection, and this doesn't really count as a book review. But I have to air this out for my own sanity and through this process I'll shed some light on the book (I hope).

I think I'm like most mothers in these things. We struggle to keep life and home together and the people we love fed and cared for. Sure, I choose to be home full time, but the choice is more one of necessity considering the expense of daycare in our area and my meager non-profit salary. I just don't see how I am supposed to live all my progressive liberal values, like Ms. Richards proposes (or demands) in her (well-researched and insightful) book.

So what are these values?

• Men and women are equal (but different)
• Children deserve stability, love, age-appropriate educational experiences, and respect (among many other things)
  
• Everyone deserves to live authentically with the support of their family/friends
  
• Marriage isn't necessary for happiness
• Respecting the earth through living greenly and consciously
• Love is a verb
• Things don't bring happiness

At this time, I'm stuck. I know that everything listed isn't a value exactly, but you get my drift. I'm your average white middle class educated liberal woman, well in some ways anyway. And after trying to list my values, I realize that I do live them in my own authentic way.

My partner and I are equals. We make decisions together about spending money, changing jobs, moving, parenting, household stuff, etc. We each have areas of dominion and expertise, but we value and respect the ideas and opinions of the other. We choose not to be married for several reasons (which I'll share in a future post). For us, for now, this works out well.

I actively pursue my own interests and relationships and encourage my partner to do the same. I volunteer for the local Birth Center. I am going to be walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day in October with a couple of college friends. I organize a parents group. I cook and bake a lot because I want to. And occasionally I go out with friends on my own. My partner rides a motorcycle, participates in autocross events, and is way into his photography hobby. In other words, we have lives and interests separate from our family life and each other.

We live frugally, but spend money on the things we value like good food, a house in a friendly neighborhood, and cars (ok, he values those more than I do). But we don't go to the mall or shop online for fun. We don't buy much but food and necessities. We recycle and reuse whatever we can. We conserve. We re-use bags and bring our own.

As for parenting, I think we rock at it. Our son is smart, curious, friendly and happy. I spend quality time with him everyday playing in the yard, walking to the library, playdates, etc. My partner spends quality time with our son when he's home and O's awake. During the week it isn't much, but weekends are time for us together. Saturdays tend to be a day for family outings to the park, etc. We don't outsource his care to anyone really but his grandparents on occasion. Maybe that isn't wholly a positive.

So back to the book.....I like it. I have been challenged by it (obviously). I found the most value in the chapters about women's friendships and co-parenting. It's a book for women of my generation (X, I guess) who benefited from the struggles of our mothers and grandmothers to enter the workforce and have equal footing in society. We truly have the choice to stay home or head off to the factory or office. Although this choice is purely for the middle and upper classes; poorer women often work out of necessity. I do often feel, like Ms. Richards, that motherhood is undervalued and or disrespected in this country, despite all the hoopla around Mothers' Day. But until we demand the respect and rights we deserve (and desire), well, no one is going to give it to us. And I suppose this is what she means when she calls for us to live our values. We have to be ourselves so our children and other women see the diversity of valid choices and lifestyles. The more of us there are out there, the more of us there will be. We have to work together, speak truthfully and support one another. No more Mommy Wars, if there ever really was any.