12 wrong ways to live your life

This post has been sitting around for months. So I decided to just let it go. So here it is.



There's no right way to live, but there are lots of wrong ways.

Wrong way #1: Living someone else's dream

You know this old nugget: follow your bliss. For real, do it. Other people don't get to tell you how to live. Not your kids. Not your parents. Not your spouse. Not your boss. Not me.

Wrong way #2: By the book

I know people who are always saying things like "I can't" or "I shouldn't", because whatever the idea or activity is falls outside some proscribed way to be alive, dictated by a mythology/religion, gender norms, cultural baggage or just straight-up fear. That's crap. You can do whatever you want with your life. There really is no one true path. There are zero rules. There is wisdom. There are good ideas. But there are no rules.

Wrong way #3: Only for other people

Other people are so awesome. I know some I love almost as much as I love myself. It's like thisclose. My kids. My mom. My closest friends. You have them too. But I don't live my life for any of them. I live my life for me. And the byproduct of me living my own life is that I'm happier, more able to be present with the people I love. I can also be an example of someone who does her thing. And you can do your own thing while being a responsible, ethical, and dependable adult. These ideas are not mutually exclusive.

Wrong way #4: With a never-ending to-do list

Put down the list, ladies. For realz. Holy hell. Here's some TRUTH for you:

You will never do everything on your list. And that's ok.

I love a good list. I make a short to-do list everyday but rarely pay much attention to it afterwards. Lists are my way to think through the day and maybe prioritize, not the map for my life. Because there are things that I will never write on my lists that are more important than calling the dentist: sitting with my little guy and cuddling, texting a friend who needs a smile, grabbing a beer with a buddy. You know, life stuff. Life is not a list. It's an activity.

Wrong way #5: Holding a grudge

Let it go. Seriously, that anger and hurt is just weighing you down. It's not doing one thing to the other guy. Seriously, stop wasting your life focusing on the past. Let it go.

Wrong way #6: Too safe

It is way too easy to play life too safe. It's easy to listen to the conventional wisdom (which is often wrong, by the way). It's easy to fall into the grooves and traps of adult life. Don't do it. Take a risk once in a while. Get a new haircut. Buy the red dress. Change jobs. Go salsa dancing. Whatever. Just go do something new and exciting.

Wrong way #7: Quietly

Speak up. Take up space. Do not apologize when you speak up. Do not minimize yourself. You have a right to take up space. Be big.

Wrong way #8: Waiting

What in the hell are you waiting for? "The right time"? It's never coming. It will never be the right time to get married or have a baby or change jobs or learn French. Sure, you have to think about things like an adult, but after a certain amount of planning you just have to go for it. Or else you never do. No one is prepared for the big stuff, but once you're in it you figure it out.

Wrong way #9: Taking it personally

The best advice I can give you is that it is almost never about you. When people are assholes to you, its just them venting some hurt. You are just a target. Sometimes they are afraid of you. Sometimes they are jealous of you. Sometimes they are just assholes. Don't internalize their bullshit. You have enough of your own hurt to deal with. Let the haters hate, but don't ever think they are really talking about you.

Wrong way #10: Without gratitude

Be grateful everyday for this life you have. It is a miracle to be alive. Don't just say the words. BE grateful. Your life will expand and light up in so many ways.

Wrong way #11: Passionless

A life without passion isn't really a life. If there is nothing or no one who captivates you, makes you want to just eat them up, nothing that stirs your curiosity, well then get to it. Start trying things out. What would you do if you could do anything at all? Go do it, in whatever way you can. Make time for your writing, your art, your volunteer work, your lover. Seriously, schedule that stuff in there between the gym and the dentist. You NEED it.

Wrong way #12: In another time

Be here now. There is no other place to be. 

Keep On Keeping On

Sometimes the biggest lessons are taught in the smallest ways.

My six year old rode his bike (still with training wheels) to the library and back on Saturday, for a total of about 2.5 miles. He was so proud and excited to ride in the street like a big kid. He did great until we met the first real hill on the return trip. He immediately asked for help and wanted me to push him up the hill. I couldn't push him, I was pushing his brother in the jogging stroller. But I offered to put my hand on his back, to help him from going backwards. And so he struggled up that little steep hill and over the bridge. All the while I was telling him,  'You can do it! You are doing it! You're almost there!' The smile on his face was heart-growingly awesome.

And then the next hill came. He wanted to give up, started to whine. I told him he was not allowed to stop, that he must pedal that bike up the hill one way or another. Again, I put my hand on his back and encouraged him like before. And then I remembered something I had just read - people often quit something right before they would have finished/succeeded.  The hardest part is usually the part right before we make it/finish/win. So I told him that lesson. And kept encouraging him. He didn't give up. He kept going.

And we did the same for the next hill.

As we cruised toward the driveway, I asked him if he was proud of all the hill climbing he did.

He said, "But I only climbed three."

"But you rode over 2 miles AND climbed three big hills."

"Yeah, I did." (BIG SMILE)

"I'm so proud of you for not giving up. Now you know that you can do it and next time it will be easier. Everytime will get easier. You know how mommy likes to run?  well, when I started running it was really hard to run for even 1 mile, but eventually I could run 10 miles and still be smiling when I was done. The same will happen for you, for anything you want to do. But you have to keep going. Never give up."

"Ok, Mommy. What are we going to do now?"
*******************

I share this story because I believe that instilling determination and confidence in our kids is one of the very most important things we can do for them. They have to believe they can do ANYTHING. My mom taught me that. I believed her, still do.

As we say in our house:

"The person who says I CAN'T is right, but so is the person who says I CAN."

Freedom Isn't Free, Except When It Is

Today is Memorial Day, a day to honor those who serve our country, especially those who have died.  And a few times today I heard the phrase, "freedom isn't free".  I have a complicated relationship with this sentiment.  On one hand, I hate it because I associate it with people who think the only way to secure freedom is by blowing up people "over there".  On the other hand, I agree with the sentiment.  Freedom isn't free...except when it is. 

True freedom comes from within, its in our minds.  To me, the freedom to think, free will, and freedom to explore ideas are the ultimate freedoms.  No matter our outer circumstances, we can remain free in our minds.  With this mind freedom comes the responsibility to use the freedom wisely.  This freedom should be used to secure our happiness and health, as well as the health and happiness of others.  But too often we squander this freedom with thoughts focused on what is lacking, on what we don't like, on what other people are doing/have.

This idea came to me today at the local swimming pool.  I realized that today was the first time I was not self-conscious about being in a swimsuit in public since I was 10 years old.  Without all the self-fat talk and constant comparison to other women in the area, I was free to enjoy my body and the day with my beautiful boys.  I was free of all that negativity and baggage.  I shrugged all that off once I started accepting and loving myself as I am and appreciating my body for all the things it can do.

My body isn't drastically different than it was the last time I was in a bathing suit.  But my attitude is worlds away.  Over the last year, my mindset has changed.  I don't focus on my weight or a diet.  I focus on health and wellness.  I focus on doing what feels good, makes me happy and works to keep me on track towards my goals.  Its the switch of focusing on the positive things, the things that work or can be changed to be better; rather than focusing on comparison, judgment and criticism.  It's all in your point of view.  Now I accept this body of mine that has grown two babies, ran many miles, eaten so many delicious meals, and crafted some really cool stuff.  My body is strong, healthy and perfect for me.  Sure, I could improve my fitness and health, as we all could.  I am working towards those goals, but with a realistic mind.  I realize that no matter what the scale says or what size pants I wear, I am still me. I am not defined by numbers or inches. 

And so what about that freedom?  Well, I am free.  Free to be myself.  Free to enjoy my body.  Free to be happy about my life.  Free to be grateful for all that I have and am able to share with others.  These freedoms are free and open to us all.  These freedoms must be vigilantly defended.  We must not allow the self-hate, the negativity, the critical, snarky voices to overcome us and demand our obedience. We must defend our minds and our freedoms of thought.  We must defend our freedom from self-hate and preserve our self-esteem.  We must fight this fight not only for ourselves but for our children.  It is our duty to protect them from the freedom-stealing voices that tell them they are not enough.

We are all enough.  We all contain everything we need.  It's all right there.  We just have to believe it.

Sharing the Joy

In November my son completed his first running event and I couldn't have been more proud. He didn't come in first, or even 20th, but won.  He won because he loved every minute of it. He's four years old and is so proud of his "shiny gold medal."

In a week I am running the world famous Broad Street Run in beautiful Philadelphia, the nation's largest 10 mile race.  40,000 people and I will be running, walking and wheeling down Broad Street.  This is the longest I have ever run, farthest I have yet to run.  So far I've only made it about 8.3 miles in 93 minutes on a training run.  But I know I'll finish all ten miles.  To me that's winning.

Running is about so much more than race medals and times.  It's about willing yourself to keep going, to push through the boredom, pain, disappointment, and discomfort to get to the beauty, the joy, the pride.  It really is the best training for a courageous and enjoyed life.  I am so happy to share this secret with my sons.

I am grateful that my partner also is a runner, because he gets why I need to have those hours to myself outside on the trail or on the road.  It's my church, my meditation.  It is my spiritual practice as much as my fitness regimen. I don't love running.  I need running. 


If my boys grow up and don't take to running, that's ok.  As long as they find that one thing that takes them out of their mind, that challenges their bodies and spirits.  The activity or pursuit that pushes them past their imagined boundaries and makes them stronger and more courageous with every step, stroke or pedal.  We all need that kind of exercise.  Soul fitness is essential.

How do you do it?

Ridiculous, yet awesome tattoo weirdworm.com

At least once a week someone makes a comment like 'I don't know how you do it' or 'I couldn't do all that you do'.  They are commenting on the fact that I work part time, parent two children (a 4 yr old and a 5 mo old), go to grad school part time, keep up with a regular exercise routine and whatever else they think I do with my time.  I am not saying this to be boastful, quite the opposite.  I think I'm pretty average.  I know women who run their own businesses and raise a family.  I know women who have special needs children and work full time. I know women who care for an elder, parent their own children, work full time and volunteer regularly. Millions of women do much more than I do.  Many of them without a supportive partner.

So in the interest of full disclosure here are some things I don't do:

• Keep up on popular culture (I only recently figured out who this Justin Bieber character is)
• Watch much television (I have a few special programs)
• Iron clothes
• Get manicures/pedicures/waxing or even regular haircuts
• Talk on the phone with my friends and family (except my mom)
• Go to the mall
• Entertain friends and family
• Keep up with Oprah
• Go on date nights with my partner (wish we did more than a couple times a year)
• Gossip (about real people or celebrities, except maybe Project Runway-related gossip)
• Read magazines or newspapers (except NYT and the New Yorker on occasion)
• Volunteer
• Keep a tidy house
• Remember to feed the cats
• Stay up past 10pm
• Gardening, even though I have a garden
• Wash the car

You get the idea.  It's all a matter of how you choose to spend your time.  I remember reading once that how you spend your time shows your true priorities.  So in that case here are my priorities:

1. Children and partner

2. Interests, including exercise, internet, reading, television, crafts

3. Employment

4. Social network (friends and family)

5. Schoolwork

6. Housekeeping

I realized the other day that having your priorities straight doesn't mean having them written in stone.  From one day to the next my priorities shift.  Some days the goal is to write a paper.  Some days the goal is to clean the bathrooms.  Some days the goal is to survive the day without tears or shouting.  Every day is its own adventure with its own challenges and rewards.

So how do I do it?  I get up in the morning and do what needs doing.  Just like all the other super and not-feeling-so-super moms out there.  How do you do it?

The Greatest Love of All

Me at the beach.

Nope, it ain't the love you feel for your kids.  It's the love you feel for yourself.  Thanks to another awesome post on Already Pretty I am feeling the self-love and wanting to share it with my sisters.

Your body is amazing and strong and gorgeous.  Being a woman is a remarkable gift.  Our bodies can create life, make food, and carry the weight of the world.  We come in every shape and size and color - all lovely.

The best thing you can do for your kids is model self-love.  Seriously.  THE BEST THING. 

The Kids are Watching

A fellow, blogger, friend and thinking mama whom I deeply respect for her sharing her personal journey of Radical Hateloss has shared a valuable insight for mothers in honor of Mother's Day.  We do owe it to ourselves and our children to love ourselves without reservation, and live our true inner lives.

Over the last year or so I have really found my inner voice and strength through taking time to develop my mind, spirit and body through my journeys as both a newbie runner and as a graduate student.  I have to say that running has given me so much in terms of appreciation for my body, an understanding of my own strengths, and a commitment to myself and "me time".  This pregnancy has been hard on me because I have been sacrificing some of my "me time" that was devoted to running and exercise, some due to tiredness and inability to do the activities, but also due to laziness.  It's easy to blame the pregnancy.  But I have also had to give some "me time" over to my studies, which are also enjoyable and challenging, but in obviously different ways.  In pursuit of both academic/intellectual and physical improvement, I have come to have a real love for my own awesomeness.  I AM someone who can have a beautiful happy family life AND maintain high standards at work and school.  I AM a woman who can grow a human life, while having fun with friends and forging new professional connections.  I AM a woman who can chase around a three year old and plant a vegetable garden while 9 months pregnant.  I AM pretty amazing. 

So are you.

Thanks to Stephanie for reminding me of this very important lesson.

How Free-Range Are Your Kids?

I have found my new favorite parenting movement and blog: Free Range Kids.  Basic premise of Free Range Parenting (FRP) is that children need and deserve the freedom and independence to play and do things for themselves.

"Helicopter parenting," which has gotten broad media exposure, so much to the point that now I find articles highlighting the benefits of being in your kid's life/face 24-7, is basically the antithesis of Free Range Parenting.  The appeal to FRP to me lies in the idea of trust: trust in your child, trust in your own abilities to teach your child about right and wrong, safety, etc., and trust in the world (strangers).  I don't want my son to think that around every corner is a "bad person" waiting to kidnap him or hurt him.  I want him to feel confident to make good decisions about what situations and people are safe and comfortable.  Truth is, crimes against children are down (child abuse, neglect, abductions, etc.) and that most crimes against children are perpetrated by someone the child knows (family member, teacher, coach, neighbor, etc.). Don't get me even started about the dreaded and much-hyped "online predators".

I was a Free Range kid.  I grew up on the rural edge between two suburban towns.  My back yard was bordered by cornfields and woods.  There were acres of farmland and woodlands for the neighborhood kids to explore.  It was paradise!!!  At the ages of 8-12 my two best friends (neighbors) and I would wonder all over the general area, playing in the pond out in the fields, lounging in the clover fields until dark, carrying picnics out to the woods, building forts in deep trenches, tracking deer, and so many more "dangerous" and daring adventures.  Our parents couldn't see us, they didn't want to see us!  We were kicked out of the house after breakfast, got called in for lunch, and then were free until dark.  In this neglectful environment we got fresh air, exercise, friendship, independence and hours of fun. 

I want my son to have similar adventures.  Although his adventures will be in a more urban/surburban landscape.  But in some ways his range can be longer, because he can take the bus or trolley to the city or out to another suburban town.  I was at the mercy of where I could walk or where my parents were willing to drive me.  I'm not saying that my son will be riding the bus at the age of 5, but maybe at 8 or 10.  It depends on his maturity and how much responsibility he can handle.  Some kids would get into all kinds of real danger and trouble if given an hour of freedom.  Other kids wouldn't even think of it. 

Just yesterday, my son played in our backyard (tiny backyard) while I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready to make dinner.  I couldn't see him the whole time, but I could hear him digging in the garden.  I checked on him as I went about my business in the kitchen.  It was a great solution to the problem of us wanting to do different things.  Some people will think that leaving a 2 1/2 year old unsupervised for even a minute is crazy.  Other people will wonder what took me so long.

I am all for each parent making her own choices and following her instincts.  But the media and others have a vested interest in making us doubt our own instincts and understanding.  We have to be diligent and thoughtful in our decisions about parenting.  But we don't have to be afraid. 

Mommy Salon

No, not the kind of salon with hair dryers and nail polish, but the kind with intellectual and creative people discussing topics of interest and sharing knowledge. I just returned home after spending the morning with several interesting women; we were discussing motherhood, work and being a SAHM. I was the alleged discussion leader, but the conversation flowed so naturally, that my little questions weren't needed.

Like any good group discussion there was a kind of magic that brought me out of my own head for a while. I wasn't sitting there thinking about what I was going to say next or how my hair looked; I was honestly engaged and learning from the experiences of the other women. We learned about our differences in situations, needs, desires, work history, etc. But some universals were also laid bare.

We all love our families and are happy to be home with our children, rather than out in a "job" all day. We all view our time caring for our children as real work, but feel that society doesn't view it that way. We all have supportive partners who want us to be home and show some appreciation for our work (this may be unusual for the world at large). We all feel the guilt and conflict about wanting time away from home and offspring. We all have challenges negotiating personal time with our partners. We all see our time at home with our kids as a small block of a long life, so sacrifices of personal ambitions and creative projects are bearable.

I observed that a couple of the mothers didn't desire or want a career, but saw employment as a way to earn income. A few others (like me) are willing to make sacrifices of personal ambitions and career goals to the health and well being of our families. But we definitely want to pursue some career, whether artistic, commercial, or public-sector in the future.

One thing we danced right around or actually probably ignored: financial vulnerability. I brought up the subject, but no one wanted to engage in a discussion about it. We did talk about divorce and child custody, etc., but only in general ways. Just like all the books have said, we SAHMs don't want to talk or think about what our lack of income means to our futures. Poverty is an ugly and scary prospect, who wants to talk about it? I hadn't realized we skipped the topic until just now, or else I might have pushed it a little.

So why am I posting this here? Because I think all mothers should have similar conversations with other mothers, and not just about motherhood, but about marriage, education, politics, relationships, feminism, etc. We so often focus on our kids and forget that we are more than just a mother to our kids. We are thinking and feeling creative and spiritual beings with needs for connection and community, especially connection to other women.

So I'm going to go and check my calendar so I can schedule the next Mommy Salon. I hope this becomes a national trend, maybe if we get Gwenyth and Angelina to join one.

How do you connect to other women?

Seeking balance

One of my BFFs is finishing up her last week at work. She's joining the SAHM ranks, "opting out", whatever you want to call it. I am thinking about her because just as I'm feeling stifled and a little bored with the whole SAHM scene, she's ready to jump right into it. My friend has been working full time at a job that requires work on nights and weekends, in addition to regular business hours, since her daughter was about 4 months old. She likes the work and the challenges there, but the environment and responsibilities were not conducive to her being the kind of mother she wants to be. So in order for her and her family to be happy, healthy and sane, she's going to be giving up full time employment to be the stay at home parent.

And then there's me. I am heading off to work again in about 6 weeks, after being employment-free for 2 years. Going back to work is not an immediate financial necessity, I'm going back to the office because I want to. I really want to. My son is ready to learn from other people and develop new friendships and relationships. Hopefully my partner will be moving to a 4 day work week in the near future. Our family is ready for the new challenges, at least we think so. Because I'm as lucky as I am blessed, I have the opportunity to go back to a position that is challenging and fulfilling , as well as to co-workers who make my life so much more interesting and teach me about everything from cooking to new street slang. Not to mention decent pay and great benefits that will actually help us save some money every month. I picked my new responsibilities and hours. I have one of the greatest bosses in the world, so I know that this is not a common situation.

But it is the situation that I asked for and with some help and encouragement from my partner, friends, etc., the situation I helped create. I think that together and individually we could make these types of arrangements more common for parents. But it will take us standing up and asking (demanding) it. There are organizations working towards a society, marketplace and government that truly supports families and mothers, just look at the list of links to the left. Moms Rising is one. MOTHERS is another.

So take a moment and explore these organizations' sites. You may be inspired to make changes in your own life to better attune your life with your true values/needs. You may also rethink your political leanings, because often candidates pay lip service to caring about women and families, but they vote quite another way.

How have you found balance in your life? Working part time? Staying at home full time? Starting your own business? Home schooling?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• It pays to show up at your kid's school.
• Postpartum Depression bills before Congress.
• Rebel Dad on fathers' involvement in childcare.
• Stay-at-home parent survival guide from About.com
• CNN.com has a special section on Working Moms.
• Modern Homesteading and voluntary simplicity
• Diaper Swappers for cloth diapering families
• Portable sandbox idea from Parent Hacks.
• 40% of babies need more vitamin D.
• Should homeschooling be regulated?
• New magazine for teens focused on abstinence

Book Review: Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan (courtesy of goodreads)

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Pollan takes on a tremendous writing feat and accomplishes his goal of tracing the journey of three very different meals. Part 1 follows the industrial food chain beginning in a Iowa cornfield and travels all over America in search of where the corn goes and what it becomes, both animal and chemical. Eventually we end up in a car in Marin County sharing a McDonald's meal with Pollan's family. You have no idea what is really in a McNugget, and you probably don't want to.



Part 2 gives an in depth look into organic and sustainable farming; they are not always the same thing. From Polyface farms in Virginia to an industrial organic farm in CA, Pollan explains where the organic movement started and where it is today. You also get to learn a lot about chicken poop and grass. And in the end we share a meal comprised of only locally raised and in season foods cooked by Pollan himself.



In Part 3 Pollan takes on the task of preparing a meal from foods he has hunted, foraged or grown himself. So he goes wild pig hunting, mushroom hunting, and even captures wild yeast. In the end, Pollan does not leave the reader with any trite conclusions about food or how we ought to eat. We are left still with the omnivore's dilemma, but with some more information and a gut check, if you will.



After reading this book I am even more serious about buying local in season food and about growing some of our own. We have talked about buying a house with some land so we can grow some of our food, maybe in a few years this will be possible. I want to look my food in the eye, or at least the people who grow it, and be able to still eat it with a smile on my face. We can look away and continue to eat mindlessly from the industrial trough, or we can develop our own food culture based on more than profits, federal subsidies and convenience.


View all my reviews.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• How old is to old to be a mother? I'd say somewhere around 60.
• What's up with Supernanny? I like to watch 'cause it makes me feel superior because my kid hasn't tried to set the cat on fire, yet.
• How to be a mindful parent.
• Do you overtreat your child's fever?
• Recent breastfeeding news from Motherwear Blog.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• On mothers pursuing PhD's. Awesome!
• Moms as writers.
• Ass-pants for virgins.How to stop phone book delivery.
• Ideas for what to do with your preschooler. Some easy and fun ideas.
  
• New York Times: How you spend your money on your kids.
• Do you wish you could get away? I sure do on many a day.
  
• A Primer on cloth diapering options, with a giveaway!
• Add your ideas for the Granny Manual.
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• The Rest of Us by Rebecca Steinitz. A great essay on working mothers.
• Mom's behavior key to Dad's involvement with kids. Encourage the man and reap the benefits.
• Cold medicine for children can be deadly, from Science Daily.
• Childhood cancers vary by region, sex and race. Northeast has higher rates of juvenile cancers.
• Should we stop having children to save the earth?
• Take action on Phthalates in Toys!
• The bases have changed. Kids are getting it on, just not the way you may think.

Notes:

On teenagers having oral sex: Not a shocker to me. I have known that kids are using their mouths for more than back-talk for a long time now. Maybe its because I worked in a field related to sexual issues, and so I read, talked, heard about teens' activites more than other parent-types. Now, my son isn't even 2 yet, but you bet your sweet bippy that he is going to know everything I (or more likely his dad) can tell him about the joys, risks and problems that sex can bring, and I mean all the kinds of sex. Am I alone in not feeling weird about talking to kids about sex? I don't think you need to be vulgar or share your life history, but being honest about sex seems to be a very important part of raising responsible and healthy kids.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Working moms as likely to work late as other workers (desite what some people think)A successful school with extra studying and little homework, from the New York Times.
• Separation from parents can mean learning problems for children.
• Tips for Work From Home Moms.
• 5 easy ways to save money and live green.
• Study shows more sleep means less postpartum baby weight. Now here' s some motivation to get Dad to help with night feedings.
• Cheap sunburn relief from Wisebread.
• Emily Bazelton on helping her son to stave off panic and become more self-efficient.
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Aggie shares why she may be an abnormal working mother.
• The Business Case for Breastfeeding - support for working moms.
• Wisebread shares a simple way to stay on target with the food budget.
• Was it easier to be a mom in 1908? Don't you bet on it.
• Washington Post article on using life coaches and part time work to find balance for moms.
• Non-Toxic Kids has some good ways to avoid Phthalates - avoid anything with fragrance to start.
• Peggy shares some easy ways to fight global warming.
  

Book Review: Opting In by Amy Richards

When I first started reading Opting In: Having a Child Without Losing Yourself I was defensive and a little pissed off at Ms. Richards. I felt judged by her for my choice to stop working outside the home to be a full time mama and my reliance on my partner (a man) for my financial stability. After finishing the book (having skimmed the chapter on our relationship with our mothers) I don't feel judged, but I do feel a little inferior. Ms. Richards has a healthy career as writer and activist, mothers her sons, shares parenting and household maintenance with her partner, and maintains relationships with her girlfriends. I barely keep my house together, do most of the housework, do most of the parenting, and struggle to keep my dear friendships with my pre-motherhood friends. Did I mention that often its 10 p.m. (just in time for a good night kiss) before I realize that I haven't touched by partner since our morning good-bye?

Ok, I realize that these feelings are a projection, and this doesn't really count as a book review. But I have to air this out for my own sanity and through this process I'll shed some light on the book (I hope).

I think I'm like most mothers in these things. We struggle to keep life and home together and the people we love fed and cared for. Sure, I choose to be home full time, but the choice is more one of necessity considering the expense of daycare in our area and my meager non-profit salary. I just don't see how I am supposed to live all my progressive liberal values, like Ms. Richards proposes (or demands) in her (well-researched and insightful) book.

So what are these values?

• Men and women are equal (but different)
• Children deserve stability, love, age-appropriate educational experiences, and respect (among many other things)
  
• Everyone deserves to live authentically with the support of their family/friends
  
• Marriage isn't necessary for happiness
• Respecting the earth through living greenly and consciously
• Love is a verb
• Things don't bring happiness

At this time, I'm stuck. I know that everything listed isn't a value exactly, but you get my drift. I'm your average white middle class educated liberal woman, well in some ways anyway. And after trying to list my values, I realize that I do live them in my own authentic way.

My partner and I are equals. We make decisions together about spending money, changing jobs, moving, parenting, household stuff, etc. We each have areas of dominion and expertise, but we value and respect the ideas and opinions of the other. We choose not to be married for several reasons (which I'll share in a future post). For us, for now, this works out well.

I actively pursue my own interests and relationships and encourage my partner to do the same. I volunteer for the local Birth Center. I am going to be walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day in October with a couple of college friends. I organize a parents group. I cook and bake a lot because I want to. And occasionally I go out with friends on my own. My partner rides a motorcycle, participates in autocross events, and is way into his photography hobby. In other words, we have lives and interests separate from our family life and each other.

We live frugally, but spend money on the things we value like good food, a house in a friendly neighborhood, and cars (ok, he values those more than I do). But we don't go to the mall or shop online for fun. We don't buy much but food and necessities. We recycle and reuse whatever we can. We conserve. We re-use bags and bring our own.

As for parenting, I think we rock at it. Our son is smart, curious, friendly and happy. I spend quality time with him everyday playing in the yard, walking to the library, playdates, etc. My partner spends quality time with our son when he's home and O's awake. During the week it isn't much, but weekends are time for us together. Saturdays tend to be a day for family outings to the park, etc. We don't outsource his care to anyone really but his grandparents on occasion. Maybe that isn't wholly a positive.

So back to the book.....I like it. I have been challenged by it (obviously). I found the most value in the chapters about women's friendships and co-parenting. It's a book for women of my generation (X, I guess) who benefited from the struggles of our mothers and grandmothers to enter the workforce and have equal footing in society. We truly have the choice to stay home or head off to the factory or office. Although this choice is purely for the middle and upper classes; poorer women often work out of necessity. I do often feel, like Ms. Richards, that motherhood is undervalued and or disrespected in this country, despite all the hoopla around Mothers' Day. But until we demand the respect and rights we deserve (and desire), well, no one is going to give it to us. And I suppose this is what she means when she calls for us to live our values. We have to be ourselves so our children and other women see the diversity of valid choices and lifestyles. The more of us there are out there, the more of us there will be. We have to work together, speak truthfully and support one another. No more Mommy Wars, if there ever really was any.

Mama Rocked Her Time Out

Maybe running away from your family to spend Mother's Day weekend with one of your best friends and miscellaneous gays (two of whom are also great friends) is not the conventional way to celebrate, but it sure brought this mama back to life. Sure I missed my little boy to the point of tears when I saw those little red Radio Flyer wagons at the Lilac Festival. Sure I probably could have gone without eating a sausage with peppers and onions at 2 a.m. And, in all honesty, Ambrosia Salad is not the most beautiful or talented drag queen I have seen. BUT the laughter, reminiscing and catching up was tonic for my sometimes-feeling-too-old soul.

I would share some photos, but I left my camera behind. I did, however, return home with a purse full of condoms. So that might give you an idea of what kind of fun I had.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

Do Working Moms Get a Break?Interview with Jessica Denay of The Hot Mom's Club
Are SAHM's the new "cheap labor"? From Workitmom.com
Veronica at has a great take on Michelle Obama quitting her job
Is feminism an attack of the body? From Jennifer Roback Morse.



Notes:
I think that SAHMs get paid less (or agree to less pay) because they value the experience more than the money. As a mom who's been out of the workforce for almost two years, I savor the time I do get working on small freelance projects from time to time. My hourly rate is actually pretty good, but I would probably do the same work for less, and happily. Keeping skills fresh and networking are invaluable to women wanting to re-enter the full time work-world in the future. And is the only mark of our value our paychecks? If so, then sisters we are in trouble!

I'm reading Amy Richards' new book and so have been thinking about feminism and our female bodies. I agree with Morse that on some level feminism is rejecting the biological realities of our bodies, especially when it comes to fertility and reproduction. If motherhood and reproduction are hindrances and oppressions one should avoid, then where do all our future sisters come from? Isn't there a biological imperative that we reproduce ourselves? And haven't we learned from our dystopian works of art that removing the biology and humanity from reproduction is a bad idea? See Brave New World.

And on to my favorite future First Lady....Michelle Obama will get slack from everyone no matter what she chooses, because she's a strong woman married to the future Leader of the Free World (please, please, let me get what I want this time). Sometimes in life we have to choose to do what's best for our families, for our partners, for ourselves, and it may not fit into the mold as feminist or mother or strong woman or whatever else others want us to be. Rock on Sister Obama, I've got your back.