Happy F*&^king Mother's Day

I just finished reading this great post over at the Ms. Blog by Natalie Wilson and it has got me thinking.  The more I live my life as a mother the more I realize that mothers get screwed (and not in the MILF kind of way).  We are expected to do everything for our families, our partners, our households, and still be sexy, vibrant, put-together women.  We are expected to keep quiet about the poor work conditions and inadequate pay we receive, no matter where we work, including our own homes.  We earn less than our female (child-free) and male (doesn't matter if they have kids or not) peers.  We are more likely to live in poverty.  We don't get sick days. 
 
Mothers get a lot of lip service in America.  'It's the greatest, hardest, most important job in the world.'  But they won't pay us for it.  No paid maternity leave.  No universal subsidized child care. No social security credit for years out of the workforce taking care of our families.  It's the greatest hardest most important job that no rational person would choose based on the salary and benefits package.  No glory.  No thanks.  No "atta-girl".  Well, except on this one day. 

Today is Mother's Day and we get flowers, breakfast in bed, dinner made for us, gifts and handmade cards.  We get hugs and kisses.  We get a few thank you's.  Does it make it up for all those other days of thankless work and lousy pay?  No, not in the long term.  But in the short term, yes.

I don't expect a thank you everyday for doing what I choose to do.  But I would like some more appreciation and respect from society.  I AM doing a very important and difficult job.  I am raising the next generation of tax payers, builders, thinkers, and maybe even parents.  I sacrifice a lot for these little people.  I sacrifice my own financial security in order to provide them with the things money cannot buy: unconditional love, encouragement, guidance, and understanding.  So maybe, just maybe, one of these days the U.S. will join the rest of the world and provide paid maternity (and paternity) leave and stop treating our bodies and magical wombs like public property.


And now I'll step down from the soap box and return you to our regular programming...

How do you do it?

Ridiculous, yet awesome tattoo weirdworm.com

At least once a week someone makes a comment like 'I don't know how you do it' or 'I couldn't do all that you do'.  They are commenting on the fact that I work part time, parent two children (a 4 yr old and a 5 mo old), go to grad school part time, keep up with a regular exercise routine and whatever else they think I do with my time.  I am not saying this to be boastful, quite the opposite.  I think I'm pretty average.  I know women who run their own businesses and raise a family.  I know women who have special needs children and work full time. I know women who care for an elder, parent their own children, work full time and volunteer regularly. Millions of women do much more than I do.  Many of them without a supportive partner.

So in the interest of full disclosure here are some things I don't do:

• Keep up on popular culture (I only recently figured out who this Justin Bieber character is)
• Watch much television (I have a few special programs)
• Iron clothes
• Get manicures/pedicures/waxing or even regular haircuts
• Talk on the phone with my friends and family (except my mom)
• Go to the mall
• Entertain friends and family
• Keep up with Oprah
• Go on date nights with my partner (wish we did more than a couple times a year)
• Gossip (about real people or celebrities, except maybe Project Runway-related gossip)
• Read magazines or newspapers (except NYT and the New Yorker on occasion)
• Volunteer
• Keep a tidy house
• Remember to feed the cats
• Stay up past 10pm
• Gardening, even though I have a garden
• Wash the car

You get the idea.  It's all a matter of how you choose to spend your time.  I remember reading once that how you spend your time shows your true priorities.  So in that case here are my priorities:

1. Children and partner

2. Interests, including exercise, internet, reading, television, crafts

3. Employment

4. Social network (friends and family)

5. Schoolwork

6. Housekeeping

I realized the other day that having your priorities straight doesn't mean having them written in stone.  From one day to the next my priorities shift.  Some days the goal is to write a paper.  Some days the goal is to clean the bathrooms.  Some days the goal is to survive the day without tears or shouting.  Every day is its own adventure with its own challenges and rewards.

So how do I do it?  I get up in the morning and do what needs doing.  Just like all the other super and not-feeling-so-super moms out there.  How do you do it?

The Mama Pay Gap

http://www.pay-equity.org/

Bill Singer has a great piece on Huffington Post about the pay gap between working mothers and everybody else.  Mothers make about 25% less than our working peers.  This used to be explained by pointing out that men were the real breadwinners and mothers played a supporting role, but now we all know that's BS.  I don't know a family where the mother's pay doesn't contribute in some way to the running of the family.  Even if Mom's salary just covers daycare or savings or the phone bill, she should be paid equally. 

Our child-free sisters do all right and make as much as the boys.  As soon as we gain the 'mama' moniker our lifetime income goes down, a lot.  Think about it this way, women are not penalized alone, whole families lose income.  It's not sex discrimination but mother discrimination.  No wait! It's discrimination against families!  How's that for American family values?!

And don't forget that about 40% of babies are born to unmarried mothers and a significant, but not a majority, of those moms are doing it all by themselves with no father/partner.  So are we saying that her kids don't deserve a decent life and economic security?!

We have to speak up.  We have to demand equal pay.  We can learn more about the issue .  We can demand our representatives support the Paycheck Fairness Act.  We can talk to other women about their choices and working life.  We need to unite and demand to be treated like the equal, vital, and powerful individuals we are. 

Mother's for Women's Lib - Feminist Parenting Carnival

A little tardy, but I wanted to share the awesomeness that is included in the carnival (including my own It's a Boy post).  I am sure that anyone who reads this blog will be sure to find something of interest there. 

It's heartening for me to read posts by other women thinking about some of the issues I struggle with and offering their own insights.  So often I feel isolated and lonely in my head.  Like I am on the lookout for ways mamas get screwed over, but then I read a facebook status message from a mama friend who reports she didn't get the job because the asshole who interviewed her was concerned about her commute and her two small kids.  This mama is a single mama, sole provider for her kids. So yeah, it isn't just my paranoia. 

It's no-win for working mothers (or any of us for that matter)

I came across this great opinion (fact!) piece through Kellymom's facebook feed (you should totally "like" it right away if you are breastfeeding supporter/practitioner).  Sarah Vine hits it squarely on the head:

The media, meanwhile, is endlessly lionising those famous working mothers who barely pause for breath between the delivery suite and the film set/boardroom/debating chamber, reserving extra-special praise for those whose faces and figures remain seemingly untouched by the ravages of pregnancy and birth, and chastising the ones who dare to “let themselves go”. Everywhere you look the message is the same: go forth and procreate; but woe betide you if you can’t fit back into your jeans, or are too tired to perform as athletically as you once did in the bedroom.

I don't think her arguments only apply to "working moms", but to all of us.  Motherhood is not valued.  We are perpetually criticized and measured against whatever standard is currently (this week) en vogue.   There are "experts" telling us that no matter what we do we are damaging our children, losing ourselves, killing our relationships, missing out on the purpose of life, wasting our potential, etc. It totally sucks.

And until we ignore all the "Mommy Wars" bullshit and start seeing each other as sisters, it is never going to get any better for us or our kids.  We need to unite as mothers and as women to fight for our right to make our own choices and raise our families in safe, healthy, supportive communities. 

PS. If you are wondering who Gina Ford is after reading the piece, like I was, here's a clue: she's a proponent of scheduling babies and getting them to sleep through the night at very early ages (under 3 months, even). Like the Babywise people.

Re-entering the Workforce

So we survived the first week of work for mama and daycare for the boy. I think we both had a lot of fun and enjoyed the new challenges. Well, except for the night waking and general orneriness of the boy. But that just might be being 2 (we had a birthday a couple of weeks ago).

I haven't felt any guilt or misgivings. I loved being at work and being with grown-ups. I didn't cry when we dropped the boy off for his first day of daycare or anytime after that. I have heard so many stories about mamas feeling sad when they take the kids to daycare, so I was really surprised not to be one of them. I am a cry baby, so I had every expectation to boo-hoo the whole walk home. The boy didn't cry either, he didn't even care to say good-bye. I take these as signs we were ready for the change, to have our own things to do.

But maybe I'm in denial. Maybe next week will be different. Maybe we did something right.

Making the transition from SAHM to Working Mother

stressed out in paddington
Originally uploaded by yewenyi (文意)

Ok, so its a little more than a week away, my return to the workforce. The boy starts daycare on Monday and I start work on Wednesday. I know I can do the job. It's everything else that is freaking me out. Will the boy like daycare? Will I like the daycare? How are the logistics going to work? Will my partner help out more with the housework? Who's going to cook dinner? Well, that would be me.

I know that people go to work and kids go to daycare/school everyday. This is not unchartered territory. But it is to us! Life has been so simple and free-flowing, but now we have to have schedules and chores and conversations about these things. I revolt against having strict timetables and schedules. I hate to have my time spoken for. Yes, I know this makes adult life a little difficult at times. Things will have to be done on certain days at certain times. This is what is causing my anxiety, not really the rest of it. The details always work out. To put it bluntly, I don't do stress well.

So any advice from mothers who are or who have juggled a working schedule with motherhood? Any tips or warnings are greatly appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Seeking balance

One of my BFFs is finishing up her last week at work. She's joining the SAHM ranks, "opting out", whatever you want to call it. I am thinking about her because just as I'm feeling stifled and a little bored with the whole SAHM scene, she's ready to jump right into it. My friend has been working full time at a job that requires work on nights and weekends, in addition to regular business hours, since her daughter was about 4 months old. She likes the work and the challenges there, but the environment and responsibilities were not conducive to her being the kind of mother she wants to be. So in order for her and her family to be happy, healthy and sane, she's going to be giving up full time employment to be the stay at home parent.

And then there's me. I am heading off to work again in about 6 weeks, after being employment-free for 2 years. Going back to work is not an immediate financial necessity, I'm going back to the office because I want to. I really want to. My son is ready to learn from other people and develop new friendships and relationships. Hopefully my partner will be moving to a 4 day work week in the near future. Our family is ready for the new challenges, at least we think so. Because I'm as lucky as I am blessed, I have the opportunity to go back to a position that is challenging and fulfilling , as well as to co-workers who make my life so much more interesting and teach me about everything from cooking to new street slang. Not to mention decent pay and great benefits that will actually help us save some money every month. I picked my new responsibilities and hours. I have one of the greatest bosses in the world, so I know that this is not a common situation.

But it is the situation that I asked for and with some help and encouragement from my partner, friends, etc., the situation I helped create. I think that together and individually we could make these types of arrangements more common for parents. But it will take us standing up and asking (demanding) it. There are organizations working towards a society, marketplace and government that truly supports families and mothers, just look at the list of links to the left. Moms Rising is one. MOTHERS is another.

So take a moment and explore these organizations' sites. You may be inspired to make changes in your own life to better attune your life with your true values/needs. You may also rethink your political leanings, because often candidates pay lip service to caring about women and families, but they vote quite another way.

How have you found balance in your life? Working part time? Staying at home full time? Starting your own business? Home schooling?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• 12 Commandments for good parenting
• Sociologists prove "Opting Out" revolution is a myth.
• Dangers of synthetic vitamins from Nature Mom's Blog.
• Are you going to join the artificial food dye revolution?

My Tuesday Toot

In honor of the Tuesday Toot, I'm singing my own praises. I actually followed through on the desire/need to go back to work and get my own dreams back into motion. For me, the inherently shy and often lazy one, this is a feat. I have thousands of good ideas (some all in one day), but I don't often actually set the goal and take the steps to make it come to fruition.

So here's to me for being the engineer of my own train (I have watched too much Thomas as of late). I am excited to be heading back to work in a couple of months (as you may have read). I am very proud of myself for doing what I want and is best for my whole family.

What are you proud of?

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Should you drink with your kids? From Time magazine.
• Baby Shower idea: Books!
• Feministe on Work/Life Balance. Interesting points of view, including Tom Colicchio from Top Chef fame.
• What moms can learn from dads.
• Obama supports working mothers.
• Equally Shared Parenting
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Meet the Baby Planners
• How to balance work and pregnancy from Forbes
• Stem cells discovered in breast milk. One more reason that breast is best!

The Great Day Care Decision

Well, due to several factors and some good luck (hopefully) we have decided on a daycare center for our boy. We are lucky that we found a place literally down the street from our house that had just one opening left. The price is reasonable and it feels and sounds like a good place for us. The boy cried when we left after our interview/tour. He liked it that much...and there weren't any other kids there at the time.

I feel torn about the decision. I want to go back to work (desperately) but I also know that I will miss the long days with the boy doing whatever we want. I know that being with other adults and children will be good for his overall development. I have a good feeling that he will be cared for and respected. But in my heart I still feel (know) that no one can love him like I do. But here we are on the verge of two, so its time for the little one to test his wings. It's time for me to start letting go and letting him be.

But like all times of change it's both exciting and scary. But there hasn't been one great thing in my life that didn't make me feel that way.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Parents struggle with children's obesity
• NYT Magazine on Equal Co-parenting
• Washington Post on separating girls and boys at school.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• The Poop on parenting and sex
• Careerbuilder study shows dads would like to stay home.
• Are WAHM's the end of the Mommy Wars?
• 3 bills before Congress to help ensure equal pay for women (well for everyone)from
  

I've been duped! and so have you....

The more I read the more I realize that in many ways I have been duped. I have been duped into believing that I can't really "have it all". I have been duped to believe that somebody, whether my partner or husband, my employer, my family, my government, is going to take care of me or at least always look out for my best interests. I have been duped to think that I am really the only person who can care for my child. I have been duped into making choices and sacrifices, which once I look at possible consequences, I'm not really that comfortable with.

I have been really thinking about where I would be if my partner left me, died, was in a coma, disabled, etc. How would I provide for my family? How would I make the mortgage? Where would I go for work? And because of these questions, I've been seriously considering going back to school to get my masters. But first I need to go back to work. I'm going to start part time.

I am in a unique situation. I contacted my former employer to see if I could do some part time work. I received an enthusiastic response, and was offered my pick of projects/tasks. So, I'm going back to work in a few months. I'm excited, even though it means finding child care for the boy, juggling responsibilities, and less time with my best buddies.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but like motherhood, I know I will figure it along the way. I'm just not comfortable being financially dependent. I'm not comfortable not having more time to myself, even though it means time at work. I'm not comfortable without some intellectual challenges. And you know, I miss grown ups. Grown ups who don't just relate to me as the mother of my child. Grown ups that respect me for my ideas, my opinions, and my integrity.

Sure being a mother is joyful and challenging, but for me, now and for my long term future, it isn't enough.