Vacation, all I ever wanted

I'm spending the week in the Outer Banks with my kids, parents, and brother in the same beach house we have rented two previous times. I suppose it is our tradition now. Like most traditions, it has just happened a couple times and now we just go with it. Every other year we spend a week in this house: the Lord of the Sea.

But here's something you parents all probably know and the child-free might not: vacation with little kids is just like every other day just with more sand, sugar and sunblock. You just change locations, the work load is mostly the same. Grandparents take up some slack with outings and help with baths. But really parents keep parenting. At least I get cool ocean breezes and a good excuse ("it's vacation!") to drink beer in the middle of the afternoon.

This vacation is also weird/hard/weird because the boys are here without their dad. I'm sleeping in the same room in which my youngest was conceived. And everywhere I remember the time we did X, and I feel the happiness for just a moment before the slap of "that's not ever going to happen again" stings me. And I watch the boys frolic and take risks in the ocean, and I just want to turn and look at their dad and say, " Will you get a load of that?!" But all I can do is take a few photos, maybe try to record a video or two. And feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I'm here on super family vacation and their dad isn't here to build sand castles, fly the kite (which I forgot at home anyway), carry them into the waves, and just do dad stuff with them. 

And I know someday the boys will be off with their dad having the best time ever and I'll be sitting home or at the office wishing I could be there with them. This is part of the package deal of separation and co-parenting. And it sucks. 

And yet, I love that we are all here together playing cards, telling old stories, laughing as the waves pound us and knock us to our knees. It's the best thing ever. Better than I could ask for, even in its imperfection, melancholy, and sense that something important is missing. 

So we have two more days and I'm going to try to keep my head in the here and now. See my beautiful boys as they are, hear them laugh, watch them grow right before my eyes. I'll take a few pictures. But mostly I'm going to try to capture in my heart all that happens that is so special and unique and of the "now". 

We will never be here again. 

11 Lessons from the First (Hardest) Days

Earlier this year my partner and I decided to separate and continue to co-parent our boys, 50/50. That's right- equal parenting in separate houses. The kids spend half the time with me in the "old house" and the other half of the time with their dad in the "new house". 

The past few months have been challenging, to speak euphemistically. Just the logistical changes have been exhausting and confusing. In this list I'll focus (mainly) on the co-parenting aspect of things. In a future post I'll talk about the inner stuff and the kids' stuff.

1. There are many ways to parent. Many of them are "right". My co-parent and I are different people with different parenting styles. There are lots of shared traits and values, but there are also some big differences. Neither way is "right", or rather, they are both "right". Life in Daddy's house is one way and life in Mommy's house is another way. Both ways are good for the kids. 

2. Friendship and respect are essential for a healthy co-parenting relationship. I think they are essential just to do the work of caring for your kids. Without the mutual care and respect, it would be very difficult to ask for help or request a change to the schedule. I don't know how people live in acrimonious co-parenting situations. I would lose it. Separating and co-parenting is difficult even in the most "ideal" circumstances.

3. Ignore what other people think. They do not live your life. Yes, sometimes people give good, thoughtful,caring advice. That stuff you know when you hear it, and you should consider those things. I'm talking about the subtle (and not so subtle) judgements and ignorant or intrusive questions. It's funny how people will feel free to ask me all kinds of things that they never would have asked before. I know its mostly out of love or shock or a need to understand what will never be explained satisfactorily. It's not my job to explain my life to anyone. To quote the great poet Jay Z, "Either love me or leave me alone".

4. People react to the news of a separation in a few different ways: fear, shock, and pity. The pity makes me want to rip out eyeballs and shove them down the sewer. Don't pity me. Project on somebody else, please. The fear is interesting because its almost as if the break-up is contagious. You can see the thoughts cross their faces: "If they can split up and everything seemed good between them....well, is it going to happen to me?!" I say this because I have had these same thoughts. It's human. No, it isn't contagious as far as I can see.

5. Protect your children from the adult issues/concerns. Those details will only confuse and scare them. Just tell them the facts and let them make some decisions/choices. Don't over-explain. Kids don't understand what adult romantic relationships/marriages are about. So don't put that stuff on them. They care about Mommy and Daddy, playing with their friends, and their toys. Trust me, that's about it.

6. Family time is essential. Doing things as a foursome on a regular basis has helped us all so much with the transition. This might not work well for other situations, but if you can stand to be in the same room/car/park as your ex, well then plan some family time for this month. I think it helps the kids and adults know that we are still all in this together. We will always be a family.

7. People will judge and offer advice. Let them. Then refer to #3. Seriously, let people say whatever it is they want to say (within limits). I find it is easier to listen to them or at least just bear it. They will get it out; you can then move on to other things. People don't actually expect you to do what they think you should do, they just want to get all their 'You should's' out. And on occasion, you just might get something worth considering. 

8. Honesty. Openness. Communication. Without the ability to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants this separation would be awful. I can tell my co-parent (former partner? What do we call each other now?) that I'm feeling sad or worried about the kids or that I need him to get his damn stuff out of my house (really, I mean it.). We have had some of the best communication over the last few months, better than the bulk of our ten years together. You can probably hazard some guesses why. I'm not going to here. 

9. Keep an open heart and mind. Love doesn't just disappear. Anger and hatred are not inevitable. Don't get dragged down by the petty stuff. It's all petty stuff. 

10. Focus on the big picture. Don't get caught up in the spreadsheet of life of who owes what to whom. Be brave enough to be generous and open. Keep your eye on the prize of healthy, happy, loving children. Everything else is just details and noise.

11. Growth comes through struggle. Being your own woman is liberating. Seriously. As much as all of this has been terrifying and heart-breaking; it has been equally freeing and strengthening. This separation might be the best thing for us all in the end. I really believe it is. 

August 28, 2008

This post was hard to write, might be hard to read. But I feel like its time to get out into the world my truth about my miscarriage. I actually wrote this post almost a year ago. It's been sitting as a draft for months. I don't know why I wasn't ready to release it to the world, but I wasn't. 

Like many women I have a love-hate relationship with my own body. I range from absolute hatred and shame to acceptance, with maybe occasional sides of love. I don't have to explain to you why, if you're a woman in this world you already know. But things have changed a lot in my head and heart and spirit over the last five years.  It all really started in the summer of 2008.

I found out I was pregnant with our second child within a couple weeks of deciding to go back to work. My oldest was 2 and starting daycare for the first time. I was going back to a job I really liked and I was ready for the challenges that working part time would bring. And then I just had the feeling that I was pregnant. I was afraid I was pregnant, I really didn't want to be. And then we had the positive test and then I just got happy about it, because that's what you do in this life to survive.

But since those first few minutes I knew something was wrong, I just didn't feel right. It wasn't physical as much as spiritual. I just knew that this pregnancy was not going to go full term. I hated myself for thinking and feeling this way, but in my mama heart I knew this Truth. I didn't tell anyone about this knowledge because it was blasphemous. And then the bleeding came at 9 weeks. We rushed for an ultrasound and were told there was no heartbeat. I visited with the midwife and discussed my options. I decided to let nature take Her course, because I think we should always err on the side of Mother Nature. I also couldn't think about dealing with people or the health care system. I thought I should feel the contractions and live through it. It wasn't punishment, it was honoring the life that wasn't going to be. And so I had a very painful and heartbreaking 24 hours, mostly spent alone in the bathroom or pacing the bedroom.

If you have never miscarried, then you may not know that there's blood and more blood. More blood than I thought I could lose without being faint or dying. The contractions were like birth pains. They were birth pains, if we are going to be honest. The only way I could cope was the pacing. I walked the bedroom all day, avoiding my child and mother-in-law downstairs. And then I'd spend 20 minutes in the bathroom, change the pad and go back to pacing. I did this for hours. And that night I paced in the living room, trying to drink grape juice, watching the Democratic Convention and listening to Barack Obama accept the party's nomination. In some ways that was one of my happiest and most hopeful nights and the very worst night of my life. I am grateful to have had the distraction of a historical moment, otherwise I don't know if I could have managed so well.

But after the physical part was over, I really didn't suffer much emotionally. I don't feel guilty for not spending days in bed or otherwise giving over to grief. I really didn't feel grief. I don't know what to call it, but grief or mourning wasn't it. But there was a deep pain, both physical and spiritual.

I decided on that hot night that I was going to start taking care of this body of mine. I was going to get back into running and starting focusing on nutrition. I also wanted to lose weight, the weight I was always hoping to lose, but rarely actually doing much about. This miscarriage was like a 'reset to default' for my life. I have no idea why I felt that way, but it is still how I feel about that experience. I am not happy that we lost a child, but I also don't think of that pregnancy as a real person. I never did. I suppose this is a coping mechanism, a defense. Whatever it is, it feels true to me.

I realize that some people will judge me for my feelings and contradictory word choices. I really don't care. You can feel your feelings and I am going to feel mine. I am living this life in this body. I am going to honor this body for all that it can do and all that it has endured. The miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever done. My body, spirit, and mind are so much stronger because of it. I am grateful that I took something good from that horrible experience. I could have wallowed and had a few weeks or months of self-destruction or self-pity. I'm glad I didn't. Because I was pregnant 13 months later. And all that care and nourishment I gave my body helped me have a healthy and joyful pregnancy. I have a little boy who is full of life and a willful joy. He's 3, going on 14.

And now I know I can do anything. Absolutely anything.

There are other important milestones on my journey to self-love and acceptance (I'm still working on it). I'll share them in future posts.

'Being Here Now' with kids

I am awful at being present with my kids. I admit it. It's the one thing I carry Mommy Guilt about. There's always something else to do, think about, listen to, clean. And then sometimes I just don't want to talk about Hello Kitty or how fast that Matchbox car just went.

Bad Mommy.

So in an effort to improve myself, I have as a part of my Nerd Fitness 6 Week Challenge Missions - Be Present with My Boys.

But what the hell does that really mean?

I have NO clue.

I want to sit on the floor and play Thomas the Tank Engine board games with them. Well, I want to want to do it. But I don't want to do it. Not most of the time. It's really a stupid game with no point. I know, Bad Mommy.

But I think (I hope) being present is more than actually playing on the floor with them or listening to their inane chatter about what T.J. did at daycare.

It's honoring their little spirits and seeing who they truly are. It's being Mama Namaste. My light will honor the light in them, in all their loud, dirty, annoying, clever, silly, amazing-ness.

It's accepting their hugs and their criticism, as both being valid and true.

It's measuring my tone and remembering that how you say it means more than what you say. It means not calling their toys, games and tv shows "stupid". I know, I'm a 12 year old.

It's dance parties, ice cream for dinner, rainy walks, pillow fights, frog catching, stone throwing, and paper airplane making. It's all the things.

It's not being perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. I'm too lazy and selfish for all that. But I do want to KNOW my children. KNOW their little souls, their big dreams, their deepest fears. Right now, I don't think they always like me and I don't really like me either. No matter what is going in in my life/head/heart, I am still their Mommy. That never changes. It's the greatest gift and the most burdensome burden. It scares the shit out of me, to be the mother of these amazing creatures. They have no idea what a jerk I can be. Ok, yeah they TOTALLY know what a jerk I can be. I think I might be the jerkiest to them. Oh man, that stings.

But how do I become more present with these boys? How do I shut down my monkey mama mind and just be with them, see them, hear them?

I don't know. But I'm hoping a regular yoga and mindfulness practice will help me. I'm hoping that this is a habit I can build, one day at a time. It's either this or I'm paying for a whole lot of therapy later.

Keep On Keeping On

Sometimes the biggest lessons are taught in the smallest ways.

My six year old rode his bike (still with training wheels) to the library and back on Saturday, for a total of about 2.5 miles. He was so proud and excited to ride in the street like a big kid. He did great until we met the first real hill on the return trip. He immediately asked for help and wanted me to push him up the hill. I couldn't push him, I was pushing his brother in the jogging stroller. But I offered to put my hand on his back, to help him from going backwards. And so he struggled up that little steep hill and over the bridge. All the while I was telling him,  'You can do it! You are doing it! You're almost there!' The smile on his face was heart-growingly awesome.

And then the next hill came. He wanted to give up, started to whine. I told him he was not allowed to stop, that he must pedal that bike up the hill one way or another. Again, I put my hand on his back and encouraged him like before. And then I remembered something I had just read - people often quit something right before they would have finished/succeeded.  The hardest part is usually the part right before we make it/finish/win. So I told him that lesson. And kept encouraging him. He didn't give up. He kept going.

And we did the same for the next hill.

As we cruised toward the driveway, I asked him if he was proud of all the hill climbing he did.

He said, "But I only climbed three."

"But you rode over 2 miles AND climbed three big hills."

"Yeah, I did." (BIG SMILE)

"I'm so proud of you for not giving up. Now you know that you can do it and next time it will be easier. Everytime will get easier. You know how mommy likes to run?  well, when I started running it was really hard to run for even 1 mile, but eventually I could run 10 miles and still be smiling when I was done. The same will happen for you, for anything you want to do. But you have to keep going. Never give up."

"Ok, Mommy. What are we going to do now?"
*******************

I share this story because I believe that instilling determination and confidence in our kids is one of the very most important things we can do for them. They have to believe they can do ANYTHING. My mom taught me that. I believed her, still do.

As we say in our house:

"The person who says I CAN'T is right, but so is the person who says I CAN."

It really is the little things, folks

On a whim a few months ago I bought two I Like Books, because they were 50% off and cute. I can't pass up a bargain or the chance to feel like a good mom. The I Like Books are for parents to document a daily "like" about their kid. I like your big smile. I like that you are a good friend to your brother. I like that you only were in time out once today. Whatever it is. There are two spaces for everyday of the year - one for Mom and one for Dad (or however you break it down in your family).

So the books sat in the junk cabinet for the last 3 months until the other day I remembered them.  I got them out and left them on the dining room table so I couldn't forget to talk to the boy about them. The next day, O sees the books and asks me about them. I told him that it was a special book for Mommy and Daddy to write things we like about him.  Instantly his face lit up and he asked me what I had written in there.  I hadn't, so I asked him for a pencil.  He eagerly complied (a small miracle of its own) and stood at my shoulder while I wrote "I like going sledding with you. You are silly and brave." O asked me to read it to him and once I did, he was beaming.  The next thing out of his mouth: "Where's Benjamin's book?  What do you like about him?" And so our journey began. 

For the last few days at bedtime my partner and/or I record the day's likes in the books. We can't forget because O reminds us. He sits on his bed in his space pjs, glowing with pride and excitement.We get big hugs at lights out and everyone ends the day with smiles and a reminder of why we are in this crazy mess of a family.  Because we love each other.

It is so easy to focus on the mess, the screaming, the fights, and the missed opportunities of life with kids. We have to remind ourselves why we do it.  It surely ain't for the fame or the glory.  We do it because our kids are amazing creatures full of energy, curiosity, love and spirit. We do it because of love.

The I Like Books are a wonderful tool to remind us of the love.  But they are also a great way to chronicle the days, weeks and years that go by oh so fast.

What do we teach our kids about poverty?

Despite how stretched or stressed your financial life, if you are reading this you are pretty damn lucky.  You are not one of the billion plus people (women, children, elders, men) living in extreme poverty.  Extreme poverty doesn't mean that you can't afford your rent, it means you might not have a roof.  Extreme poverty doesn't mean you can't afford your grocery bill, it means you might eat one meal today.  Extreme poverty means your children don't go to school, don't have access to clean drinking water and are malnourished and unhealthy.  Extreme poverty means that you don't have access to health care or medicines, however basic or inexpensive.  Extreme poverty means your children die from diseases that children in other places get vaccinated against or are never exposed to.  Extreme poverty means a hard life and early death.

One billion people.  One-sixth of the whole world.  That's 1,000,000,000 people.  How do we talk to our kids about this difficult subject?

Our 4 ear old goes to a Quaker preschool, so at school they discuss social justice issues and service to one's community, in ways little people can understand.  I talk to my son about how some people don't have clean water to drink or a warm bed to sleep in, and that it is our job as fellow humans to try to help others however we can. And I guess the talking has paid off.  For Halloween, the boy's school sent home little UNICEF collection boxes to take trick-or-treating.  We didn't take the box trick-or-treating because there was just too much going on at the time.  But we planned on putting the change in our cars in the box, , taking it to work, etc.  When our son returned from collecting all his candy, we told him he could trade in candy for cash or prizes.  He chose cash and received $5 for about 3/4 of his candy.  I told him he could put it in his piggy bank or put it in the UNICEF box, he chose the UNICEF box.  He said, "I want kids to have safe water to drink."  I choked back tears.  I am still beaming with pride.

So my lesson is that it is important to talk to our kids about the scary real world, in order to help them cultivate compassion and understanding.  I don't want my white middle class American boys to think that everyone lives like them and has the same privilege.  The vast majority of humanity does not.  Four isn't too young to understand this.  It's the perfect age to start a life of compassion and service.

Mother's for Women's Lib - Feminist Parenting Carnival

A little tardy, but I wanted to share the awesomeness that is included in the carnival (including my own It's a Boy post).  I am sure that anyone who reads this blog will be sure to find something of interest there. 

It's heartening for me to read posts by other women thinking about some of the issues I struggle with and offering their own insights.  So often I feel isolated and lonely in my head.  Like I am on the lookout for ways mamas get screwed over, but then I read a facebook status message from a mama friend who reports she didn't get the job because the asshole who interviewed her was concerned about her commute and her two small kids.  This mama is a single mama, sole provider for her kids. So yeah, it isn't just my paranoia. 

Contraception as a end to poverty for the world's women? Don't forget education.

Nicholas Kristoff wrote an op ed earlier this week about contraception as a tool to end poverty for many of the world's women and families.  He also wrote a follow up piece on the challenge of building consensus on this issue.

His main point is that women in many parts of the world lack knowledge of and access to effective and safe birth control methods.  Some of the barriers are due to culture and religion.  Children are valued as signs of virility, wealth and health.  Women are expected to produce children for their husbands, at least one every few years.

We have proven that education is its own special kind of contraception.  Where girls and young women are educated, they delay motherhood and have fewer children.  Why is this?  Because they are empowered members of society and the workforce (in many cases).  They do not have to rely on a husband to take care of them, and so can make decisions about when to have children and how many to have.   Children who have educated mothers (often employed mothers) are more likely to go to school and delay their own motherhood.  Poverty and ignorance breed more poverty and ignorance. 

If you keep a girl in school, you help her change the course of her life, that of her future family, and an entire nation....It’s a simple and well-documented fact. A girl who goes to school and stays there is much more likely to postpone marriage and childbirth. Those decisions have a dramatic ripple effect. Later childbirth results in lowering the overall fertility rate, which means higher per capita income and the increased ability of a woman to earn a living for herself and her family. And educated women provide better health care for themselves and their children, meaning lower maternal and infant mortality rates. In fact, a country's investment in education leads to a whole host of results that promote economic and social development. 

- Cokie Roberts (in Save the Children's The State of the World's Mothers 2005)

 
Simply handing out condoms and birth control pills will not change the fate of women and children in this world.  For one thing, men are in control of when and with whom they use condoms.  Many women in the world, from any walk of life or continent, do not have the power to negotiate condoms use with their partners.  Just look at the numbers of women with HIV/AIDS for evidence of this.

From The Body (for women in the U.S.):

Today, women account for more than one quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses. Women of color are especially affected by HIV infection and AIDS. In 2004 (the most recent year for which data are available), HIV infection was

• the leading cause of death for black women (including African American women) aged 25-34 years.
• the 3rd leading cause of death for black women aged 35-44 years.
• the 4th leading cause of death for black women aged 45-54 years.
• the 4th leading cause of death for Hispanic women aged 35-44 years.

From Avert: 

At the end of 2008 it was estimated that out of the 31.3 million adults worldwide living with HIV and AIDS, around half are women.¹ It is suggested that 98 percent of these women live in developing countries.² The AIDS epidemic has had a unique impact on women, which has been exacerbated by their role within society and their biological vulnerability to HIV infection.
Generally women are at a greater risk of heterosexual transmission of HIV. Biologically women are twice more likely to become infected with HIV through unprotected heterosexual intercourse than men. In many countries women are less likely to be able to negotiate condom use and are more likely to be subjected to non-consensual sex.^3 4

So the issues are more complicated than simply trying to prevent pregnancy for women who either cannot provide for a child or do not desire to have any/more children.  It is about controlling and ending a pandemic that has infected millions.  It is about saving millions of children from a life of poverty and lack of education or opportunity.  It is about decreasing maternal and infant mortality, which is a significant problem in the developing world, due to many factors, including lack of access to prenatal care and properly trained health care providers and necessary resources.  So yes, we need more contraception and family planning in the world, but we also need schools and the political will to make sure the world's girls get the education they deserve.

Kids Are What They Eat (And Watch) Part 1

This is the first of a series of posts about food, marketing and our kids' health. 

Our kids are defenseless targets for marketers of junk food and are getting sick and fat because of our inability to say NO and the 24-7 cheap access to non-foods marketed to kids.  Here are just a few articles I found on the topic. There will be more to come.   I am particularly interested in the links between commercial television and obesity.  It isn't the inactivity, but the marketing that seems to have such a profound effect on our kids (and us). 

• A study in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine questions the relationship between television marketing of junk foods to kids and kids' increased intake of high-calorie, low-nutrition foods. 
• A study in the journal Pediatrics looked at the prevalence of food brands in movies and found that most of the brand placements were for high-calorie, low-nutrition foods, many of these films target children and young adults. 
• Calories for Sale (pdf)chronicles marketing to children in the 21st Century
• Marion Nestle (one of my food heroes) wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine in 2006:

• Since 1994, U.S. companies have introduced about 600 new children's food products; half of them have been candies or chewing gums, and another fourth are other types of sweets or salty snacks. Only one fourth are more healthful items, such as baby foods, bread products, and bottled waters. Companies support sales of "kids' foods," with marketing budgets totaling an estimated $10 billion annually.^1,3 Kellogg spent $22.2 million just on media advertising to promote 139.8 million dollars' worth of Cheez-It crackers in 2004, but these figures are dwarfed by McDonald's $528.8 million expenditure to support $24.4 billion in sales. Marketing to children is hardly new, but recent methods are far more intense and pervasive. Television still predominates, but the balance is shifting to product placements in toys, games, educational materials, songs, and movies; character licensing and celebrity endorsements; and less visible "stealth" campaigns involving word of mouth, cellular-telephone text messages, and the Internet. All aim to teach children to recognize brands and pester their parents to buy them. The IOM notes that by two years of age, most children can recognize products in supermarkets and ask for them by name.

It's a boy!

A few months ago when we saw the little penis (or were told there was a little penis) on the ultrasound monitor, I exhaled with relief. It may impolitic to admit that I was afraid of having a daughter; it is true.  I am a feminist and a lover of all things female (except many of the superficial society-imposed things like body hair waxing, baby showers, and Twilight fan-dom), but I did not want to be in charge of raising a female in this world.  First of all, I'm not what people call a girly-girl,but I do have a few girly tendencies like retreating to the bathroom for a good cry and loving Madonna.  I was a tomboy's tomboy and still am in some ways, although now I happily wear a dress and like a nice pair of shoes as much as the next girl.

I was afraid of all the things mothers and daughters have to discuss and fight about and bond over.  I didn't want to have to describe the double-standard that still exists in this world, and would possibly exist in my house, despite my own best intentions.  I didn't want to be the model for anyone else, barely understanding what it means to be a woman myself.  I didn't want to worry about mean girls or  mean boys telling my daughter she was ugly or fat or not good enough.  Somehow I don't worry about this for my boys.  (double-standard, I know).  I didn't want to worry about her getting pregnant before her time, or sexually assaulted or any of those gender-power sexual situations that just feel uncomfortable (at best) or downright threatening and violating (at worst).  I just didn't want to deal with all that stuff.  Not with body image or pink princess crap or all the 'lady-like' stuff I sometimes forget to do myself.  I don't want to be a model for what it means to be a woman, a partner, a mother, a daughter, a girl friend.  (Although I fully realize that I will model those things for my sons and may someday hate the younger version of me they bring home.)

With boys I get to worry about them being a bully or bullying, driving too fast or stupidly, finding innumerable ways to risk their lives and the lives of others, being picked on for being 'gay' or not tough enough, being the jerky guy who breaks the girls' hearts or worse...you get the idea.  You have worries with boys but somehow they seem more manageable to me as a mother.

And so why do I bring this up now?  Well, I read a great essay by Peggy Orenstein in the New York Times Magazine about her fears of raising a daughter who would inherit all of her food and body image issues.  And I thought, I am so glad I don't have to deal with all of that.

People always say that boys are easier to raise than girls.  But I wonder, are they really easier or do we just let them get away with more, worry a little less about them, encourage more independence from them, and expect different behaviors from our sons and daughters?  I think its a real mess of cultural norms, gender roles, real preferences and fear of sexuality in general, but with extra fear and loathing for female sexuality. I can't puzzle it out.  I just know that I bought into that cultural cliche enough to be relieved at the sign of a tiny little phallus.

How Free-Range Are Your Kids?

I have found my new favorite parenting movement and blog: Free Range Kids.  Basic premise of Free Range Parenting (FRP) is that children need and deserve the freedom and independence to play and do things for themselves.

"Helicopter parenting," which has gotten broad media exposure, so much to the point that now I find articles highlighting the benefits of being in your kid's life/face 24-7, is basically the antithesis of Free Range Parenting.  The appeal to FRP to me lies in the idea of trust: trust in your child, trust in your own abilities to teach your child about right and wrong, safety, etc., and trust in the world (strangers).  I don't want my son to think that around every corner is a "bad person" waiting to kidnap him or hurt him.  I want him to feel confident to make good decisions about what situations and people are safe and comfortable.  Truth is, crimes against children are down (child abuse, neglect, abductions, etc.) and that most crimes against children are perpetrated by someone the child knows (family member, teacher, coach, neighbor, etc.). Don't get me even started about the dreaded and much-hyped "online predators".

I was a Free Range kid.  I grew up on the rural edge between two suburban towns.  My back yard was bordered by cornfields and woods.  There were acres of farmland and woodlands for the neighborhood kids to explore.  It was paradise!!!  At the ages of 8-12 my two best friends (neighbors) and I would wonder all over the general area, playing in the pond out in the fields, lounging in the clover fields until dark, carrying picnics out to the woods, building forts in deep trenches, tracking deer, and so many more "dangerous" and daring adventures.  Our parents couldn't see us, they didn't want to see us!  We were kicked out of the house after breakfast, got called in for lunch, and then were free until dark.  In this neglectful environment we got fresh air, exercise, friendship, independence and hours of fun. 

I want my son to have similar adventures.  Although his adventures will be in a more urban/surburban landscape.  But in some ways his range can be longer, because he can take the bus or trolley to the city or out to another suburban town.  I was at the mercy of where I could walk or where my parents were willing to drive me.  I'm not saying that my son will be riding the bus at the age of 5, but maybe at 8 or 10.  It depends on his maturity and how much responsibility he can handle.  Some kids would get into all kinds of real danger and trouble if given an hour of freedom.  Other kids wouldn't even think of it. 

Just yesterday, my son played in our backyard (tiny backyard) while I cleaned up the kitchen and got ready to make dinner.  I couldn't see him the whole time, but I could hear him digging in the garden.  I checked on him as I went about my business in the kitchen.  It was a great solution to the problem of us wanting to do different things.  Some people will think that leaving a 2 1/2 year old unsupervised for even a minute is crazy.  Other people will wonder what took me so long.

I am all for each parent making her own choices and following her instincts.  But the media and others have a vested interest in making us doubt our own instincts and understanding.  We have to be diligent and thoughtful in our decisions about parenting.  But we don't have to be afraid. 

Potty Training Ain't for the Weak of Heart or Stomach

We are in the midst of potty traing and it is wearing on me.  For the most part, things are going great, more goes in the potty than on the floor.  But I am the parent doing the training and the cleaning up.  And I don't like it.

True, I have more overall time with the boy.  True, I am the one who tends to lead any new household routine.  But why is it that way?  Because I make it that way?  Because men just don't care about the things we women do?  Because I'm the mom and I said so?

To offer a few lessons learned in the potty training realm:  

1. Don't ask, tell.
Tell the child it is time for the potty.  If you ask they almost always say no.

2. Bribes work.
Whether it is candy, juice, tv, chocolate chips, stickers, books, whatever.  Go with it.  Bribery will get you everywhere.

3. Pull ups are diapers; they don't help.

I offered a little feedback to my partner this morning about my need to have some help with the actual work of getting the boy diaper-less.  And you know what, within 30 minutes said partner was in the bathroom with said boy, reading books and sitting.  So maybe a little feedback goes a long way.  Or maybe I just had the right amount of bitchiness in my voice.  I go with bitchiness, it works best when used sparingly.  A lot of women forget that last part.

Here's to a heart-felt holiday!

In our house we don't go crazy at Christmas time. Hell, in some ways I have no idea why we even celebrate Christmas, we are not Christian....but we are American, so we celebrate one of the holiest of days (to Christians) with a fake spinning tree, some presents, lots of cookies, and don't forget the booze.

Our son is getting three gifts from his parents: a Waldorf doll, a new lunchbox and a toy transit bus. But before you feel sorry for him, his grandparents will be giving him a tent, an easel, some cars and trucks and, who knows what else. So we don't see the need to go all crazy and flood our house with plastic crap. He has plenty of toys.

We work hard at having "the holidays" mean more than presents and "give me!" We focus on welcoming family and friends into our home. Sharing good food and drink. Being grateful and happy for the lovely life we have.

We have some Christmas traditions of our own: Scrabble games, watching A Christmas Story and South Park's Christmas Special (Mr. Hanky!!!) on Christmas Eve, opening presents one at a time on Christmas morning, and baking lots of cookies.

So what I am really trying to say: share your special family traditions with your kids. Play some games. Eat too much. Listen to your parents' stories (if you are lucky to have them around). But don't stress out about buying this or getting that. It so isn't about the presents. Do you really remember what you got last year? Do you remember what you gave?

Remember holidays are supposed to be enjoyable, right?

BOOOOO! Halloween: Should it be "safe"?

It's that time of year again, when all manner of scary stories surface of tainted candy (although true this year thanks to Melamine from China), creepy neighbors handing out tampered-with candy, and the dangers of being in your neighborhood at night. I for one say Boo! to all the nay-sayers. Halloween is good clean scary fun.

So don't be a lame-o and take your kids to the mall for their Halloween treat (because then you are telling them that the Disney store and Spencer's should be more trusted than the nice lady next door. Really, you are.). Unless your neighborhood is really dangerous, like drive-by shootings and daylight muggings kind of dangerous. But if you live in most suburban, rural and urban neighborhoods you and your children can probably safely travel to a few homes or a few blocks to meet and greet neighbors and share some treats. Kids think its awesome to be outside at night (because it is!). That was one of my favorite parts of Halloween, well that and the mini-Snickers bars. Dressing up in costumes and hanging with your friends at night is about the coolest thing for a school-aged kid. So, don't rob your kid of some childhood memories, because you're afraid of Old Man Johnson sticking a razor blade in the candy (has happened but super rare) or whatever other not-real but scary thing a friend or the media have told you.

And for the people who never allow their children to ingest refined sugar, lighten up!! Don't hand out organic raisin packs, because no one wants that as a treat (Ok, my 2 year old would dig that as much as a Snickers, but he's 2 and has limited experience in these important manners). And allow your kid to have a few pieces of candy or 10. He will live to see tomorrow with all his teeth and not become an obese diabetic overnight, unless of course he already is an obese diabetic, and in that case maybe just one piece of candy is good.

This little nonsensical rant is all to say, childhood is so short and so precious. We bombard kids with so much that is beyond their years and needs in the name of safety, education, religion, etc. Let's allow the little ones to be firefighters and dinosaurs for one night. Let's show them the world is a safe place, people are friendly and fun can be had without a TV or computer monitor. Let's hand out our Snickers and eat them too!

Book Review: Playful Parenting (courtesy of goodreads)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book is a must read for those in the attachment parenting camp, and any other parent wanting to have more fun, more connection and more happy times with their children. Cohen gives concrete examples of how to connect with kids using play, including rough-housing, games, silly antics and everyday activities.

The basics:

Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to look at challenges not as something to fix in the children, but as a problems to solve together with the child/ren. We must allow children to express their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, joy, etc. even when it is uncomfortable for the adults. Until the emotions are fully felt and released the kids carry them around. Eventually those feelings come out in the form of bullying, disobedience, violence, recklessness, etc. Cohen's big idea is that isolation and disconnection are the cause of problems in families.

Reading this book has already changed my life, by changing the way I look at life with a two year old, and even my behavior. One idea that will stay with me: say "yes" as often as possible. So often we go on automatic pilot and say "no" to every request and idea. But most of what children want to do or ask is really not worth a "no". Children should be given the chance to try new things (within safety limits, although we often exaggerate the danger in a outing, challenge, game, etc.), they need to learn new things, try to solve problems and explore the world with their senses and intellect. This idea doesn't mean your child gets to eat candy every night for dinner or gets every toy that crosses her path, but it means to open yourself up to the fun and unexpected learning in everyday activities and unexpected adventures.

My life is easier because when faced with a whining or negative toddler, I make a funny face, dance a silly dance or just give him a big tight hug. Most of the time things turn around right away and we get back to having fun or accomplishing the task at hand. Connection is the key. Kids want and need our attention. They will get it any way they can. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, why not examine your own reasons for considering it unwanted or "bad", and then see a way to work it out with the child. Maybe your kid is just bored or lonely or tired, not determined to make your day a living hell. Parenting is a contact sport, not a passive activity.

One tactic mentioned a lot on the book is just simply falling down like a fool, another is wrestling. Physical contact is key to connection. You also have to be willing to play the fool. Your child feels like a fool so often in their lives, they don't know all the answers, feel awkward in social situations, get told what to do by everyone; so once in a while it would be nice for us parents to play the fool, let the kid be the leader, the smart one, the winner. Yes, Cohen suggests that we lose on purpose to our kids, and play up to their limits. In beating us, kids grow confident, learn the game and get to be the victor. Who doesn't like to win? Our egos should be able to handle the lose, and some day the kids will ask us to stop letting them win.

Cohen acknowledges that sometimes the last thing we want to do is get on the floor and play Barbies or build a blanket fort, but that's the work of parenting. Through play we connect, we bond, our children grow to trust us, and we lay the groundwork for all the big things that lay in the future. It is time intensive and occasionally boring, but playful parenting is also fun, joyful and a great learning experience. I hope I keep up the good work.

View all my reviews.

Parenting a 2 year old ain't for sissies.

So we are in week 2 of the Great Return to Work.  So far the family is surviving, however there has been some minor head trauma.  My son has taken to throwing objects at my head (pointed and or heavy items preferred). He also throws and slams his toys regularly, but usually in the late afternoon or evenings (when I think he's probably tired).   I would attribute this to daycare, but he started this behavior about 3 weeks ago and has been in daycare 2 weeks. 

To remedy the situation we have been taking the toys away that he repeatedly throws.  Our pantry now looks more like a toy store supply closet than any pantry.  We have also been having him sit in time out for two minutes at a time when he hits one of us.  He sits for the time (usually) calling "mama! mama! mama!" in a pathetic voice.  But I remain steely because this is the same human being who has just pitched a train at my head and laughed as I teared up from the pain.

I will give the boy a little credit, things have improved over the last two days, but my sweet cooperative little boy seems to have left the building.  I don't want to become the NO Monster and send him to time out every half hour.  I am working hard on my patience and trying to love this little phase out of him.  Turning 2, starting daycare and missing his mama are big challenges to this little person. 

But why does he have to take it out on me?!?  Honestly, I was excited to come to work on Monday morning (even the getting up at 6 am part) because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with my son.  Of course I miss him when we are apart.  But a part of me relishes the time apart when I am not on "mommy mode".  And if that makes me a bad mommy, well then sign me up for the club. 

Parenting a 2 year old ain't for sissies.

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Are we raising a generation of whiners? From You Need A Budget.
• Haluski: How to deal with lying with our young kids?
• Are Men Made to Work not Parent? from Stroller Derby
• Avoid Emotional Spending by Avoiding Your Triggers, from Wise Bread.
• How Many Retirement Accounts Can You Have? Answers from Cash Money Life.
• Could Birth Control Pills Really Be Defined as Abortions? from Blogher
  

Stuff of interest to thinking mamas.....

• Hateful Mommy at Mom Logic has a funny post .
• Obama talks about working mothers.
  
• Interesting take on breastfeeding in public.
• Eco Child's Play on the early use of contraceptives and health risks.
• Don't forget the giveaway: Brain, Child subscription
  

Would you have more kids if Dad helped more?

Equally Shared Parenting has an interesting post about a Psychology Today article that postulates that women would be inclined to have additional children if their partners helped more with care giving and household chores. My first reaction is that this is partially true, but is also an over-simplification of all the dynamics and factors that go into the decision to have another child/ren.

In my family, we have discussed and thought about the decision to have another child over the last year. To tell you the truth, I am still undecided. And even if I knew my partner was going to pitch in 50% of the time on child care, housework, etc. I still would be undecided. For me, the decision has a lot more to do with financial stability, personal and family long term goals, and the comfort and well being of the three people who are already in existence (my partner, our son, and myself). In our dream world, we would have 10 kids. But we could never have the financial, emotional or physical resources to do that one right. And the idea of another person in our family both thrills and terrifies me.

Some of my reasons against having more children are purely personal/selfish. I don't know whether I want to give up sleep, eating sushi, drinking too much on occasion, working (whether short term or long term), etc. I don't know if I want to postpone my career and education for a few more years. I don't know if I want my body to go through another pregnancy/breastfeeding relationship.

And then there are the family-related reasons: money, goals, dreams, standard of living, etc. It will require more money to take care of another person, particularly if we have to/want to send him/her to private school or have to move to a more expensive but better school district. We also have some family dreams for the kind of place and house we want to have in the next several years. We would like to travel to far away places. We would like to save lots of money for retirement and the boy's education or dreams. Kids suck up time, money and energy. And I'm not sure I want to sacrifice anymore.

Don't get me wrong, there's a whole other side of me that wants lots of kids in the house, messing it up with craft projects and their toys. Part of me doesn't care about money and believes we would work it out. Part of me wants a sibling for my son. A part of me realizes that I'm only getting older and 35 is not that far away. I don't want to be giving birth or chasing a toddler at 40. And having a kid now will mean that I will delay career and education for only a couple of years more max, and have all this baby/toddlerhood stuff in the bag.

I wish I was one of those people who just knows they want two kids or five kids or no kids. I'm ambiguous. I'm a lot confused and a little scared to make a decision. And my partner is willing to wait or go with the flow or make a baby tomorrow. But you know what else, I also know deep down that I will still be responsible for most of the kid and house stuff and that does make the whole second kid thing less appealing. So maybe those psychologists are on to something....