Mothers' issues are feminist issues

I had this post in draft for a few weeks before deciding to clean it up a bit and publish it. I realized that I didn't need to write everything I ever wanted to say about motherhood and feminism, the exclusion of many women from our motherhood and feminism discussions/causes, and all the other related issues. I could just start the conversation. And then when I went to look at #SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen to see the latest tweets, I stumbled upon this and my inner voice shouted YES! Although not specifically about motherhood, that open letter identifies (way better than I could) the problem with so many (most) white feminists: failure to check our privilege or even acknowledge it. We have to stop that shit!

Why don't feminists talk more about mothers' issues? Yes, we talk about paid sick leave and family leave, but do we talk about pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding? What about daycare and public education?We sure talk a lot about birth control, sex and abortion. But we really don't talk about all the stuff that happens once we have a baby. Where is the choice debate around birth and feeding? We talk about the choice of working or not (for those who have the luxury of choice). We don't talk much about how our socio-economic status influences our options and choices about how we birth and care for our babies. I think we should.

#solidarityisforwhitewomen pained me, not only in the sharp criticism, but because I realized that so often there's only one conversation in feminism (mainstream, anyway) and it's really about women like me: white, middle-aged, educated, relatively affluent and empowered. If we talk about women of lower socio-economic status or women of color, it is often condescendingly, or in passing.

And when I say "we" I mean my feminist friends, the regular people. I also mean the mainstream feminist organizations and media that often focus on whatever way we are all "leaning" that week or how much we get paid while we lean. Let's be honest, we suck. We are not inclusive of our sisters of color, or our sisters with limited financial resources or social capitol. We basically ignore them. Or silently judge them for not being like us. Or not so silently.

So I say, mothers unite! If we acknowledged our common and shared struggles we could actually get to the real work of feminism -- changing the fucking world for everybody! Not just privileged white ladies or people of a certain class or your kids or their kids -- EVERYBODY!

But how do we go about getting all together? What will be our priority issues? What are the solutions? I have ideas. What are yours?

Moms Rising is one organization that is working on many of the issues that concern mothers: healthy food, health care for all, paid sick leave, fair wages, etc. But as of yet, not focusing on pregnancy, birth and feeding of our babies. But I bet we could change that.

What other organizations do you know working on behalf of ALL mothers? Or are otherwise working to bring the many voices and experiences of mothers and women together for the common good. And to slay the Patriarchy.

11 Lessons from the First (Hardest) Days

Earlier this year my partner and I decided to separate and continue to co-parent our boys, 50/50. That's right- equal parenting in separate houses. The kids spend half the time with me in the "old house" and the other half of the time with their dad in the "new house". 

The past few months have been challenging, to speak euphemistically. Just the logistical changes have been exhausting and confusing. In this list I'll focus (mainly) on the co-parenting aspect of things. In a future post I'll talk about the inner stuff and the kids' stuff.

1. There are many ways to parent. Many of them are "right". My co-parent and I are different people with different parenting styles. There are lots of shared traits and values, but there are also some big differences. Neither way is "right", or rather, they are both "right". Life in Daddy's house is one way and life in Mommy's house is another way. Both ways are good for the kids. 

2. Friendship and respect are essential for a healthy co-parenting relationship. I think they are essential just to do the work of caring for your kids. Without the mutual care and respect, it would be very difficult to ask for help or request a change to the schedule. I don't know how people live in acrimonious co-parenting situations. I would lose it. Separating and co-parenting is difficult even in the most "ideal" circumstances.

3. Ignore what other people think. They do not live your life. Yes, sometimes people give good, thoughtful,caring advice. That stuff you know when you hear it, and you should consider those things. I'm talking about the subtle (and not so subtle) judgements and ignorant or intrusive questions. It's funny how people will feel free to ask me all kinds of things that they never would have asked before. I know its mostly out of love or shock or a need to understand what will never be explained satisfactorily. It's not my job to explain my life to anyone. To quote the great poet Jay Z, "Either love me or leave me alone".

4. People react to the news of a separation in a few different ways: fear, shock, and pity. The pity makes me want to rip out eyeballs and shove them down the sewer. Don't pity me. Project on somebody else, please. The fear is interesting because its almost as if the break-up is contagious. You can see the thoughts cross their faces: "If they can split up and everything seemed good between them....well, is it going to happen to me?!" I say this because I have had these same thoughts. It's human. No, it isn't contagious as far as I can see.

5. Protect your children from the adult issues/concerns. Those details will only confuse and scare them. Just tell them the facts and let them make some decisions/choices. Don't over-explain. Kids don't understand what adult romantic relationships/marriages are about. So don't put that stuff on them. They care about Mommy and Daddy, playing with their friends, and their toys. Trust me, that's about it.

6. Family time is essential. Doing things as a foursome on a regular basis has helped us all so much with the transition. This might not work well for other situations, but if you can stand to be in the same room/car/park as your ex, well then plan some family time for this month. I think it helps the kids and adults know that we are still all in this together. We will always be a family.

7. People will judge and offer advice. Let them. Then refer to #3. Seriously, let people say whatever it is they want to say (within limits). I find it is easier to listen to them or at least just bear it. They will get it out; you can then move on to other things. People don't actually expect you to do what they think you should do, they just want to get all their 'You should's' out. And on occasion, you just might get something worth considering. 

8. Honesty. Openness. Communication. Without the ability to be honest about my feelings, needs and wants this separation would be awful. I can tell my co-parent (former partner? What do we call each other now?) that I'm feeling sad or worried about the kids or that I need him to get his damn stuff out of my house (really, I mean it.). We have had some of the best communication over the last few months, better than the bulk of our ten years together. You can probably hazard some guesses why. I'm not going to here. 

9. Keep an open heart and mind. Love doesn't just disappear. Anger and hatred are not inevitable. Don't get dragged down by the petty stuff. It's all petty stuff. 

10. Focus on the big picture. Don't get caught up in the spreadsheet of life of who owes what to whom. Be brave enough to be generous and open. Keep your eye on the prize of healthy, happy, loving children. Everything else is just details and noise.

11. Growth comes through struggle. Being your own woman is liberating. Seriously. As much as all of this has been terrifying and heart-breaking; it has been equally freeing and strengthening. This separation might be the best thing for us all in the end. I really believe it is. 

Leave my girls alone

In defense of my girls, Lena and Beyoncé.

I understand that I am weeks behind the zeitgeist on this, but I have been stewing and finally have to spew my words.

Leave my girls alone. 

They can wear whatever they want, even nothing. They can be proud, oblivious, fierce, self-conscious, sexy, fat, humorous, whatever they fucking want.

It doesn't matter if you don't like it. 

Lena Dunham as Hannah on the TV show Girls.

I find it funny that people give both of these talented and confident women the same amount of shit about their bodies and how they use them, considering how differently they are viewed by the mainstream media (and really everyone else too). Beyoncé is the sexiest woman of the 21st Century according to GQ. Lena Dunham (writer, producer, director, actor) has been called fat by all sorts and viewing her naked body was likened to "rape" by Howard Stern.

Beyoncé's Super Bowl performance was mesmerizing, she was amazing whether she sang a note or not. She danced her ass off and had a lot of fun doing it. I don't get people who criticize her performance for being too sexy or whatever other bullshit they want to throw at her. She was fierce and just what we all expect from a Super Star. But considering there are people who didn't believe she was pregnant and accused her of wearing a fake baby bump, I guess some people will never let her just be. Because she's a woman, even if she is Mrs. Carter.

Lena Dunham is a talented woman. Anybody who has watched Girls or seen Tiny Furniture knows that. She is also a feminist artist, who uses all of her tools, including her naked body to tell a story and push buttons. There has been so much written about Dunham's nakedness on her show: Pro and Con. I just want to say: THANK YOU for showing a real live body on TV. We are grown ass people, we can see a real nude woman without having to have her chopped, filtered and streamlined. As a woman, I want to see a woman having sex that looks real, even if awkward or even painful.. But never mind about me...back to the point.

So why do people write and blab on and on about these women's choices and appearances?

Beyoncé has the nerve to be proud and confident. She has the nerve to be a good performer and enjoy herself. Lena Dunham has the nerve to show her body, to have her character be naked in front of and with other characters, women and men. The nerve of Dunham is that she wants us to believe that men want to fuck Hannah, because according to all the is good and Hollywood, she is the opposite of sexy.

Because if a woman shows her body, it must be because she thinks she is sexy and is trying to get the attention and approval of men. A woman cannot use her body for any other purpose then for the male view and use. A woman can't possibly enjoy her own body, its movements, it curves, its beauty. That is really just not allowed. And woe be unto the woman who enjoys her sex, enjoys the body she has, enjoys how it feels. That woman is a slut, a show off, and needs to be controlled.

Beyoncé in her 2013 Super Bowl Half Time Show

So that's how Beyoncé and Lena Dunham are sisters. That's how they become my sisters. I will fight for their right to be naked, to dance, to smile provocatively, to be as alluring or as dismissive as they wish. I reserve the same rights. I hope you do too. If Beyoncé can't be fierce and sexy, then who the hell can?


You should read this too. It will give you some context for Lena Dunham's work (and nudity).

Guest post at Radical Hateloss

I am so very excited and honored to be included with the fierce and radical ladies over at Radical Hateloss. Stephanie Vincent, the mind and spirit behind Radical Hateloss, invited me to share an insight or experience about my relationship with my body. The result is: From Thick Thighs to Thick Thighs.

I plan on writing much more about my journey as a woman and a mother in the context of my relationship with my body, some triumphant and others quite painful. I believe by sharing honestly, and risking vulnerability, we can move past these conditioned beliefs and behaviors to a more authentic and joyful lives in our bodies. The bodies we have right now. I have a lot to say about issues related to our bodies, sexuality, motherhood, strength, and wellness. I hope you'll share your ideas and comments on those posts.

Lest ye be judged

I like to say that I don't judge other mothers, but I do all the time. I judge mothers for what they wear, what they feed their kids, what time their kids go to bed, where their kids go to school, how often they swear, if they give their kids soda....the list would take all of Mothers Day to type.

I say this not as purely confessional 'I'm such a bad lady - look how cool I am, how edgy' (although let's be honest, that's in there too).  Really its about calling bullshit on all of us who say we don't judge other mothers, because we do.  Now, we might not scream in their faces or kick them out of the book club, but we do make sly and subtle comments.  We do roll our eyes.  We do run home to our partners or call up a girlfriend and say, 'Can you believe she did that? I would never do that!'

Most of the time, we don't actually think the other woman is a bad mother; we just want to feel superior about our own choices; be that organic milk or a strict 7:30 bedtime. And that's the part we should own.

We are so scared to fuck up this most important job, that we live in fear of 'doing the wrong thing'*. So we are vigilant in trying to pick out other mothers 'doing the wrong thing' so we can feel better.  We feel better because we see someone else scream at their 4 year old or wear sweatpants to the grocery store.  We also feel better because we know we aren't alone in our errors, our clumsy love, our eternal fear. Our judgment is actually just a sigh of relief that in this moment we aren't the ones screwing up.  In that moment we are in control, totally making all the right choices.

Maybe you don't agree with me.  Maybe you never think about how other mothers mother.  Maybe you are more zen than I can ever dream of being. If so, don't judge me for my small, petty ways. These moments of superiority are fleeting and often have a bite of 'you are so small and hypocritical' at the end.

I guess we can find some comfort in the fact that we are never so cruel and unforgiving as we are with ourselves. You know, if being self-hating, unforgiving, and a horrible person is comforting. If so, I feel sorry for your kids. But I'm not judging...


* Let's not let the real bad guys off the hook here - the motherhood fear-mongers.  Those in society and in the media who live to make us scared, to tell us the millions of ways our kids can be harmed.  They like to point out all the ways we can make big, never-to-be-corrected mistakes.  They like to point out that if we aren't forever vigilant our kids could be obese or unpopular or kidnapped or living in our basements for the rest of their lives. These meanies are actually just trying to distract us from focusing our energies on the big problems and holding the right people accountable for how unfriendly this country is for families and mothers.  But I'm not going to get on that soapbox today. It's Mothers Day after all and I'm in need of a rest.

There was an old lady...

Joan Rivers' face -the result of our society's ageist sexism

Help me!  I am getting old.  The first clues were easy enough to dismiss, the first gray hairs appeared at 30, but were easily plucked and discarded.  The fine lines around my eyes could be tamed by sleep and a cheap eye cream, but no longer.  But the proverbial straw has been watching my breasts deflate and head south.  I knew that sooner or later big changes were gonna come, but I didn't expect it at 36.  I thought I had until 40, and then I would get my middle-aged card punched and I could age gracefully. But that isn't happening.  I will not go quietly into that dark night!  I hate that my skin is getting thinner and wrinkly in places where just a year ago it was firm (although squishy thanks to the layer of fat).  I am even getting age spots.  What the fuck is that about?!

Last week I had a date with a feminist friend of mine, and I confessed my lapse in feminist self-image.  She is going through similar changes in her physical self and could relate to me, but she has decided to rage against the machine, our sexist, superficial culture.  Whereas I had been raging against the cells of my body.  Both activities feel futile, but at least she is focusing her rage outward, where it belongs.

I am going to age, sag, wrinkle and gray no matter what I do, provided I am lucky enough to keep living for the next several decades.  However, there is a chance that together we can change our culture, however small.  If we all refuse to participate in bashing our bodies, then maybe our daughters won't look at their stretch marks and wrinkles with disgust, but will embrace their bodies for all the joy and pleasure and accomplishment they bring to their lives.

My body has grown, carried and fed two babies.  My body has run hundreds (maybe thousands of miles).  My body has blown more than a few minds (mine included).  My body has created delightful food and cultivated beautiful flowers.  My body has snuggled friends close and slapped rude men.  My body has suffered injury and healed itself.  My body is indeed a wonderland.

I don't expect that I am going to get over the grief of the aging process any time soon. But I do believe that with time and mindfulness, I can embrace the body that I have now.  I am holding on to the fact that according to the "experts" I am supposed to be entering my sexual peak years.  I guess that's a nice consolation prize. 

Happy F*&^king Mother's Day

I just finished reading this great post over at the Ms. Blog by Natalie Wilson and it has got me thinking.  The more I live my life as a mother the more I realize that mothers get screwed (and not in the MILF kind of way).  We are expected to do everything for our families, our partners, our households, and still be sexy, vibrant, put-together women.  We are expected to keep quiet about the poor work conditions and inadequate pay we receive, no matter where we work, including our own homes.  We earn less than our female (child-free) and male (doesn't matter if they have kids or not) peers.  We are more likely to live in poverty.  We don't get sick days. 
 
Mothers get a lot of lip service in America.  'It's the greatest, hardest, most important job in the world.'  But they won't pay us for it.  No paid maternity leave.  No universal subsidized child care. No social security credit for years out of the workforce taking care of our families.  It's the greatest hardest most important job that no rational person would choose based on the salary and benefits package.  No glory.  No thanks.  No "atta-girl".  Well, except on this one day. 

Today is Mother's Day and we get flowers, breakfast in bed, dinner made for us, gifts and handmade cards.  We get hugs and kisses.  We get a few thank you's.  Does it make it up for all those other days of thankless work and lousy pay?  No, not in the long term.  But in the short term, yes.

I don't expect a thank you everyday for doing what I choose to do.  But I would like some more appreciation and respect from society.  I AM doing a very important and difficult job.  I am raising the next generation of tax payers, builders, thinkers, and maybe even parents.  I sacrifice a lot for these little people.  I sacrifice my own financial security in order to provide them with the things money cannot buy: unconditional love, encouragement, guidance, and understanding.  So maybe, just maybe, one of these days the U.S. will join the rest of the world and provide paid maternity (and paternity) leave and stop treating our bodies and magical wombs like public property.


And now I'll step down from the soap box and return you to our regular programming...

How do you do it?

Ridiculous, yet awesome tattoo weirdworm.com

At least once a week someone makes a comment like 'I don't know how you do it' or 'I couldn't do all that you do'.  They are commenting on the fact that I work part time, parent two children (a 4 yr old and a 5 mo old), go to grad school part time, keep up with a regular exercise routine and whatever else they think I do with my time.  I am not saying this to be boastful, quite the opposite.  I think I'm pretty average.  I know women who run their own businesses and raise a family.  I know women who have special needs children and work full time. I know women who care for an elder, parent their own children, work full time and volunteer regularly. Millions of women do much more than I do.  Many of them without a supportive partner.

So in the interest of full disclosure here are some things I don't do:

• Keep up on popular culture (I only recently figured out who this Justin Bieber character is)
• Watch much television (I have a few special programs)
• Iron clothes
• Get manicures/pedicures/waxing or even regular haircuts
• Talk on the phone with my friends and family (except my mom)
• Go to the mall
• Entertain friends and family
• Keep up with Oprah
• Go on date nights with my partner (wish we did more than a couple times a year)
• Gossip (about real people or celebrities, except maybe Project Runway-related gossip)
• Read magazines or newspapers (except NYT and the New Yorker on occasion)
• Volunteer
• Keep a tidy house
• Remember to feed the cats
• Stay up past 10pm
• Gardening, even though I have a garden
• Wash the car

You get the idea.  It's all a matter of how you choose to spend your time.  I remember reading once that how you spend your time shows your true priorities.  So in that case here are my priorities:

1. Children and partner

2. Interests, including exercise, internet, reading, television, crafts

3. Employment

4. Social network (friends and family)

5. Schoolwork

6. Housekeeping

I realized the other day that having your priorities straight doesn't mean having them written in stone.  From one day to the next my priorities shift.  Some days the goal is to write a paper.  Some days the goal is to clean the bathrooms.  Some days the goal is to survive the day without tears or shouting.  Every day is its own adventure with its own challenges and rewards.

So how do I do it?  I get up in the morning and do what needs doing.  Just like all the other super and not-feeling-so-super moms out there.  How do you do it?

Will Ms. Yellow Sweater please stand up?

Here  I am.

Before you think I totally lost my mind, read this Double X piece on pro-life feminists (yellow sweater wearers).


I am a pro-life feminist. Which means to me that I find abortion to be a moral choice and one I am equally adverse to as any other taking of life, including the death penalty, murder, war, etc.  I do not think abortions should be illegal.  I do not think women or doctors should be harmed or penalized if an abortion is performed.  I do think that we should do everything within our power as a society to prevent un-intended pregnancies (unwanted ones) AND offer real support to women and families like low or no-cost child care, paid maternity leave and effective child support enforcement. 

Are there more women out there with their yellow sweaters hidden in their closets?  Do pro-life Democrats, like Senator Bob Casey have a chance in this partisan, hot-button issue, no time for nuanced discussion, time? I would hope so.  I would vote for her.

People who equate feminism with pro-choice miss out on a whole bunch of women.   I am not even sure what pro-choice means.  I am supportive of women being able to make informed choices regarding their reproductive and sexual health, but I don't believe that most women "choosing" to have an abortion really have a choice. They are faced with obstacles like abuse, poverty, social stigma, isolation, and lack of opportunity.  Some women don't have the choice of when and with whom to have sex or if and when to use birth control.  So how much choice is there really?!

All women should be for real reform in how we support and protect women and families.  Abortion is a symptom or effect of many causes.  Feminism is about more than our bodies, and more than ourselves.

Ratify Women!

NOW has launched a new campaign: Ratify Women!

The United Nations Convention on the Elimination of all forms of Discrimination Against Women (CEDAW) is the most complete international agreement on basic human rights for women and was adopted by the United Nations (UN) General Assembly in 1979. To date, 185 countries have ratified CEDAW. Even though the U.S. helped draft the treaty, it is the only industrialized country left to ratify.

Sign the petition.  Demand an end to all forms of discrimination against women.